Oh to DREAM

When I began my journey to selflove I hadn't actually allowed myself to accept the possiblility that I deserved to heal. I couldnt imagine living in a world where people accepted me. For what I'm sure felt MUCH longer than it actually was, I felt alone, left out, I was cold. Living with certainty that I deserved how I felt. I had internalized the idea that I was unloveable believing that IF love did exsist it wasn't something I'd get. At a very young age alienation began to feel comfortable it became my normal. I quickly forgot what it was like to not hate most-everything. I searched for reasons to explain my exsistance, I begged others to vocalize the things they appreciated that I hadn't allowed myself to see. I was so focused on the bad I had never given myself the chance to be greatful for what was around me. I had tunnel vision; there was a storm cloud overhead constantly, I never wanted to run from my pain I wanted to sulk in it I thought it belonged with me. It wasnt until I felt sufficated under the weight of my emotions that I had learned an important lesson: perception is everything.

The key to each experience is the way we look at whats occuring. Our abilities to cope with what happens around us and especially inside our own minds can completely transform our realities for better or worse. Thru some self reflection and ALOT of isolation - I've realized it is true what they say, hurt people do hurt people. First, I walked thru life with this hope for better. I was young had a curiosity beyond years and I thought if a change was going to be made; I'd be the one to get the ball rolling. During this stage of life I loved to help others, I wanted to spend all my time outside I loved nature, I wanted to enjoy living. I constaintly thristed for something greater. I wanted to find my purpose yet failed to see what I was good at (let alone enjoyed).

Eventually life came crashing down and I started to experience things that noone should but unfortunetly too often do. I was mad at the years I seemed to have wasted daydreaming of better tommorows. I thought myself naive for believing in dreams so outlandish, such unatainable goals I had considered them. My thoughts, paired with the trust I put into them drew in more pain daily. I had resentment to myself for the projects I'd fathom but never begin, hatred for the city I called home for not being more like those I watched in movies or shows. I blamed everyone and everything for the way my experiences haunted me. My lothing grew as I did. Over time I lost who I was. I gave up attempting to create, I stopped wanting to help others, even locked myself in my room and had given up on the only person that was constantly around... myself. I felt doomed to a life of distruction and parts of me actually enjoyed the loathing. I started keeping my thoughts to myself and stopped letting people see parts of me I deemed unworthy and unlikeable. My mind began to be riddled with the idea that a better life was unachieveable, convincing myself that happiness was only for the lucky ones.

Those ideas were not me. My actions weren't true to who I am. I trusted a voice that said I wasn't good enough. I allowed those emotions to wash over me, feeding into the negativity growing my already extensive list of insecurities. Worst of all I showed my lack of self respect by hurting those who cared for me, I was becoming the villian I once hoped to defeat. I lived like this unconscouis of the pain, choas and worry I was creating around me. I spread like wild fire effecting people I never even spoke to only shared spaces with. My anger grew and my energy thrived off the hatred I found in the world. Searching endlessly for imperfections anywhere I could inorder to make mine feel less damaging. I purposely tore others down because I did not feel whole. Thinking it would make me greater. Instead only tearing my soul further from it's natural essence, digging deeper into depression.

After traping myself in repeated cycles for years, I finally used what was left of my positive energy to find the courage to seek forgiveness within. Desperately wanting to believe in the hope for happiness. Unfortuntely I cant make up for the person I was, those choices have already been made my actions can not be undone. Although I was not always the best of friend or nicest person I can do better tommorow after learning from those mistakes. I make choices each day to be better than I have previously. I attempt to spread gratitude by speaking and when writing I try to be more honest and open with myself. I became my own hero once again finally taking back the controls of my own life. Once I made the choice to be released from the narritive I had created internally, all of the responsiblility I had refused to accept in my youth came rushing back. By reflecting on my past I can see the things that could have been done differently if I had only allowed for a new outlook . Our thoughts create our reality, being stuck in a lesser mind set minimizes our chances at greatness. We begin in our hearts its beat allows us to keep living, but our mind is where we cultivate ourselves. It is easy to get caught up in negative patterns its simple to listen to our heads instead of trusting our emotinos. The beauty of this i'm slowly uncovering is that love does exsist and its waiting within each of us to be accessed. Each of us are meant to shine to glow and to grow. We all have a special kind of love only we can give, one that is meant to be spread and recieved. Meanwhile hatred and self doubt are only obstacles we must defeat inorder to achieve our own nirvana. To understand love we must acknowledge our pains, you can not fully grasp one without the other.

Today I am thankful for who I have been. If I was not her I wouldn't have the knowledge her experiences granted me. I learned that I get to take my lessons thru life to build a better more aligned future. I get to choose, and my choices do matter. I decide what I believe and how I spend my time. My past has taught me that doing things alone isnt always the best way. Asking for help doesn't have to be shameful. I spent most of my life upset and I had accepted. I was done subpressing the true me, restricting my own blessings by not having faith in them.

If I could travel back in time I would leave a message for my youngerself; On a sticky note it would read: "They key to LIVING is believing in you. Any dream with a little bit of perserverance and dedication can be conjured". I'd leave it on the mirror so every morning that little girl would wake up and remember... Living is the dream and our dreams are what we make of them. In 2022 im taking the wisdom ive gained along my personal journey to do a better job of accepting myself, respecting others and honoring life. I want to fully embody my truest form and enhance the quality of love I spread and recieve. This year for me means finally chasing the things I let go because I feared I'd never achieve them. I'll be doing with the reassurance that perfection is like life, based soley on how we look at it. Earth and Heart are spelled using the same five letters, You and I are different but all require the same basic nessesities to survive. We are all far more connected than we first appear. It sometimes only takes a little rearranging to notice.