Odd Confession No. 1 - 13

Welcome to Odd Confessions by novelist, Stephanie Van Orman! Enjoy!

Odd Confession no. 1

I like my banana splits in gravy boats.

Odd Confession no. 2

Because I belong to a lot of author groups on Facebook, quite a lot of my feed is headless men with eight packs. They're book covers. The headless part is super important because then they don't have to match the picture of the man with the description of the man in the book.

Psst... I think they're all the same guy and those are the same eight packs.

Odd Confession no. 3

I have dreams about being in movies opposite celebrities. In the last month, I've played opposite Keanu Reeves in 'Romeo and Juliet', solved crimes with Humphrey Bogart, and replaced the batteries in Tom Cruise's head.

Odd Confession no. 4

I have a plant in my house I have affectionately named Mr. Bananaboo. He's quite large and looks like a cross between a bamboo stalk and a banana tree. It took me forever to train my son to hide around the corner and provide his dialogue as I water him.

"Why hello, Mr. Bananaboo. How are you today?"

"Thirsty. Ooohhoohoo. That water is cold. So nice!"

So worth it.

Odd Confession no. 5

I got super on board with the interior design trend of organizing your books by the color of their spines. In the end, your bookshelf should look like a rainbow. I bought a new bookshelf from Wayfair and got all my books out of their moving boxes... only to discover that the vast majority of my books are black.

Odd Confession no. 6

I accidentally taught my kids to behave like a freshly hatched clutch of rare whooping snakes. It's even cuter than it sounds.

Odd Confession no. 7

In the evening, when I’m thinking about things to snack on, my first idea is almost always a salt lick. Then I remember they don’t make salt licks for people and nor does any doctor in the world think you should be licking minerals. I don’t get it. If goats and monkeys can lick mountain walls for the valuable nutrients they need, then why not me? They could make it into a salty lollypop. I would dig that.

Odd Confession no. 8

When I go to sleep, sometimes I like to pretend I’m lying on my back on the surface of the yellow moon, Io, as it comes out of Jupiter’s shadow, just in time to watch the frozen atmosphere shatter.

Odd Confession no. 9

Ever since I got my new profile picture, a certain percentage of my new friend requests are from men who think Facebook is like Tinder. Psst… it isn’t.

Odd Confession no. 10

I have this great idea for an invention. You know the extendable handles on suitcases? They should put one of those and a set of wheels on infant car seats! Think about it. You pull it out of the car, put it on the ground, extend the handle and run that errand that will only take you two minutes. You wouldn’t have to get your whole stroller out of the back, and you wouldn’t bruise the inside of your elbow carrying it. Genius, right?

Odd Confession no. 11

I am really good at making pinatas. My last one was a rainbow fish that endured 25 minutes of hard abuse from an aluminum baseball bat while gently showering candy in smallish intervals instead of dumping everything at once. It did so well. After it was broke, I could not stop kissing it. Good fishy!

Odd Confession no. 12

My favorite movie on Netflix is Our Souls at Night. I watch it whenever I'm not feeling well and I need something playing on the TV that makes me feel at ease. Sometimes I think of canceling my Netflix subscription, but then I think, "Our Souls at Night is a Netflix Original. Bah!"

Odd Confession no. 13

My husband and I describe each time of adversity in our lives with quotes we find funny to help lighten the mood.

One was, "Help us, doctor. We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas." (Simpsons)

Another one was, "I'll come pick you up in the morning, or afternoon. On second thought, let's just keep it loose." (Daria)

Right now, it's, "It doesn't matter what they're doing, as long as they're doing it over there." (Tremors)

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