I think I’ve reached one of my bottoms. For me. This is so far off from where I’ve always envisioned myself to be and yet all these experiences continue to humble the f out of me.
When they say curiosity killed the cat; fuck am I living that - it literally did kill my kitty, my purr purr is just so disappointed in herself and these men.
I don’t even know where to begin.. the daddy issues? Or just jump to the dating apps and the decline in my mental health in the last 3 months.
The Universe always has a way of showing me what I asked for and I’m beyond grateful that these experiences were always tolerable for a better choice of words. My safety was never truly at risk and the worst seems to always have happened over text.
Exhibit K: I met someone off Hinge who “spontaneously” told me to get dressed one night and we met sometime around 9 P.M at a park nearby, we walked my dog around the block and then hung out in his fancy car that he made sure to not forget to mention a few times. The conversation was light and funny at least - I got out of his car around 10:30 P.M and he proceeds to get home and ask me, “ lmao, well… do you wanna suck my D :)?” EXCUSE ME? I obviously and stupidly thought that he was joking, so much so that I even gave him the benefit of the doubt, but nope, he was dead serious - so that’s also Exhibit A for not saving a man’s number until the 100th date, even then... maybe only on our wedding day, I’ll save my man’s number
This weekend I allowed curiosity to win and I gave in to a different type of dating website #iykyk and that's what lead me to have just deleted all my dating profiles and uninstalled the apps. I couldn’t handle another date after tonight. I don’t have the thick skin to be dating right now or be getting involved with anyone, in any way. Tonight was
Exhibit Z: First 24 hours and I met the first and only dude I’ll ever meet off this app. (Actually, TBD, different story for a different time) I even feel guilty mentioning my true opinion on his looks because I got called a catfish, so do I even have a right to say anything? BUT this dude put 0 effort: beanie, sweater and some dickies look alike, it was his personality that made me comfortable over the couple of hours we spent together. He played the best part acting the most interested but not interested out of most of my failed dates - according to him, he was just being a decent human being but according to me, he wasted our time since he thought I was a catfish from the minute I walked in his truck. Not only could he have been honest from the first 5 minutes and I would have been having a very different night. I would not be sitting here being butthurt, but instead he got on the highway when he could have stayed parked like the others.. and gave me the options of subway sandwich or pizza or “a whole plaza of options” that is MINUTES from his house. WHY proceed any further if you’re not attracted/vibing with the person you’re on a date with? WHY did he drive to his house, invite me over and make his attempts ( according to me, according to him, it’s just being a decent human being ..) JUST to tell me I’m a catfish OVER text and in between the lines, a whore, because he he willingly paid for my subway sandwich when I was PULLING OUT MY OWN CARD TO PAY - I am furious about this one and I hate it. I hate the audacity, the entitlement but he’s allowed his preferences and opinions so I guess I’m a catfish *rolls eyes*
& that’s why I deleted all my dating apps tonight - I don’t have the confidence or security within myself to take this type of criticism and not allow it to affect my self-esteem. I have been doing so much work to build up my confidence and I do take pride in being honest, laid back and funny on first dates that I was shaken out of my bubble with this one - do i live in a bubble? Is he living in a bubble? It fucked me up
I try to look back and just figure out how I got here - every experience is the same pattern, the same outcome, with a different person, in a different location. I am exhausted. I feel like I’m in those movies where the same day/event continues to repeat itself.
I’ve always believed in love - limitless love - some connections are just that magical, but as I’ve gotten older I am getting so tired of love. I’m tired of giving that type of energy and just feeling drained over and over again. I have always forced myself to believe that I did “pour” into my own cup every so often, but I haven’t, in so fuckn long - I’ve been purposely distracting myself to avoid the real emotions and work to overcome all this hurt, pain, disappointment and resentment.
How can I know what love is when I have zero role models that have ever shown me what love is growing up? The only couple that is still together in my family, is my older aunt and uncle - and they are literal goals but they’re in Portugal and I’m here. My godmother and godfather are also still together, but again - all back home and this is distance is something I’ve been struggling with for so long and I’ve just buried it because what else am I going to do, couldn’t just go back
I am the literal definition of everything that looked great in photos but it was all crumbling down year after year and I can’t believe it’s taken me 10+ years to start processing half the shit that happened behind closed doors in the household that I was supposed to feel safe in. I tried to escape that household for so long, always looking and relying on external people for safety - how fuckn sad...
When I’m honest and let dudes know I’ve got trust issues, they instantly assume I’m comparing them to other men I’ve dated/went on dates with when in reality - I’ve lived with a man - my father who pushed many buttons, tried many tricks and manipulated many situations to always get his way and prove he was right. All my past relationships were just manifestations of my need for safety elsewhere and accepting the absolute trash for it.
I don’t know what love is - I know what it’s like to want to care for someone and make them happy, but somewhere along the lines, it always falls through and the caring and respect stops. Over the years I’ve accepted this extreme excitement in the beginning, and I'm not even surprised anymore when it all crumbles down. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong.. aside from giving everyone my time and energy and never putting myself first.
That’s changing now and to support that change, I’m signing off and making breakfast for the first time in weeks, because I deserve to properly fuel my body and create healthy eating habits.
Until next time, ox