my unrequited love

Dear you,

Time pauses when I’m with you, and here I thought it was impossible. I feel like an idiot writing this out because I try not to be a hardcore romantic. That’s a tricky path to walk down. Each step brings you closer to disappointment, but you take it anyways. When time stops, it doesn’t feel like a risk. Feels like nobody’s watching. Freeing and isolating, but worth it every step of the way. Until one day, you look back at yourself, at the fool you’ve become in the name of romance, and wonder where the fuck you went wrong. Well, I’m lucky to have lost hope in it early on, but when time pauses around you, suddenly I can’t help myself anymore. I’m that fool again, turning a blind eye to every mistake I make, romanticizing the end of our story before it’s even begun.

It all starts with the eyes, the “gateway to the soul”. Here I thought that was all made up. I’ve looked into a million pairs of eyes and none have looked back at me the same way that yours have. Drowning. That’s how it feels. I have to catch my breath when I’m around you, and that’s as discomforting as it is exhilarating. You, you take my breath away all the time but I’d hold it in till I faint if it meant you'd never have to read these words.

Time pauses when I’m with you, and here I wish it would stay that way. But it didn’t, hasn’t, never will. No, because in our own world, we might've even been forever, maybe. But forever doesn't exist, not at this stand-still.

Why does my heart still pull at your words? Why does its pace quicken, why won’t my skin thicken, to the truth of us? You, my unrequited love, you, my forever one, will forever make time stand still. Your eyes will speak a truth that I will soon forget, your arms will hold my light even after I’ve left, my heart will weaken with regret when I remember how you left.. Trapped in my selfish hell, I'll still be wishing I had you all to myself.

It is hell what I’ve been going through. I’ve pulled myself apart and tried to stick myself back together for months, but I’m losing hope. That’s what I get for being a romantic. I’ve put all my faith in a hopeless situation, and I’ve risked it all for no return. Like a stupid little girl who’s learned nothing from the past. A hopeless romantic fighting for a chance, just one chance, to feel like anything but a fool. Time pauses when I’m with you, and yet, I’m still trapped in the past.

That one summer night. We both knew we could never be together. Our circumstances forbade it, and yet, I couldn't resist you. It was your eyes, my love. I saw my future in your eyes, and I was happy. I was fulfilled and I was in love. The longer I looked into them, the deeper I fell, the more I wanted, the less I could tell whether you wanted the same..

But when you pulled me into you, I felt waves of love that I hadn't felt in ages. You held me as tight as you could, and my heart broke with the passion of a million lives in one. There is love in your eyes, the kind of love that you will hardly find anymore. I only dream of them now, but I'll never let it go. I hope one day, I meet them again and fall into your arms like I once did.

Giving you up hasn’t been easy, and yet every day, I still try. Every day I’m fighting away the thought of you, and every day I fail. These words mean nothing if you’re not reading them, but I’ll write like my heart has any more to give.

Time hasn’t passed since the day I met you. As the days blur into weeks, into months, into years, I’m hoping my heart accepts defeat. My unrequited love, I am defeated. Without you, I am defeat.

My love, I hope you win the world over and change it like we dreamt about. I hope you become the person I've always known you to be. I hope you live like time doesn't exist. I hope you finally find a way to live.