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That picture, though not me, is how I have felt a lot lately. I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm tired. I'm pissed.
My mental health is a mess but not in the worst ways that I have experienced. While I have been in the emergency room because of depression being so severe that I tried to end it all, I am (thankfully) not at that point.
I'm stressed about having to pay off college. I can't continue my education until I pay it off because I refuse to take out a loan for the cheapest college I can attend. I still owe about $4,600 and am working two jobs to pay it off. Both are part-time since I can't handle a full-time position mentally or physically.
Seizures are fucking up my health. Physically, there are problems from having seizures. I have migraines from the seizures and medications. I constantly find myself twisting and spraining my ankle while falling during seizures. Mentally, the issues are even worse than when I cracked my head open in February. The seizures amplify my depression and anxiety. When I am in a postictal phase, as I was on Friday after a seizure, I get to a point of wanting to die. It is rare that it makes me try but I get "passive suicidal thoughts," where I want to die but don't want to kill myself.
I'm always tired. I use a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine because of severe obstructive sleep apnea. As of last summer, July 2022, I stopped breathing about 35 times an hour... I didn't feel like a goddamn child before using the CPAP machine, needing a nap every day just to work for four hours and do dishes. Now I'm in this position where I need to nap at some point to function. I'm trapped in this state of absolutely no energy to physically do anything.
The good news about the issues with being tired is that I will be retesting in an updated sleep study. I have lost a lot of weight this year alone, about 50 pounds since February. I know it sounds like that could be unhealthy but in my case, it isn't. Despite my weight loss, I am still considered obese based on my body mass index. The updated sleep study will determine if my sleep apnea is no longer severe enough for a CPAP machine to be medically necessary.
I'm anxious just because I'm alive. Suffering from generalized anxiety disorder can be quite debilitating. I always worry that I'm not doing good enough. At work, I fear that what I make and how I help other people is a major screw-up. Every. Single. Time. For example, today, I was helping one of the cooks at the college that I work at and I told him I was sorry that I did so bad while cutting vegetables. Sorry that I was taking so long. I helped the main pizza person and apologized for messing up while trying my best to knead the pizza dough for her. I knew she wanted to leave so I tried to help but I did a terrible job (even though she said I did pretty good, especially compared to the last time I tried).
* * *
I'm sorry for the rant. If you read it all, thank you. I feel so alone in these emotions. I'm trapped in these negative thoughts, no matter how hard I try to change them. I try coping skills that used to work but it's like I am numb to the effects of them or I forgot how to do them.
About the Creator
Rene Peters
I write what I know, usually in the form of poetry. I tend to lean towards mental health, epilepsy, and loss/grieving.
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Future Peer Facilitator
Mixed emotions are brutal. I am terrified but extremely excited about one thing at the same. I participated in a group called PACES (I don't remember the acronym) in May and June of this year. It is to help people with epilepsy who also need help learning to cope with emotions. With it being only eight weeks, it helps you learn but you don't practice them in the group. Near the end of the sixth session, the facilitator asked if she could call me. I have known her for over nine years so, of course, I was okay with it.
By Rene Peters9 months ago in Confessions
No Plus One
It's nearly one AM and I just got back from my third wedding of the four in this last month alone, and I have always been alone. I hide behind my camera to pretend to be useful, hide behind a safety net of skill set. So I do not have to confront the loneliness that is sleeping alone when everyone else seems to have a partner to crawl into bed with. I love the time spent with those who decided I was worth the 30-plus dollars per plate they decided to spend on me, and I do not need to have a partner on these occasions, but it would be nice to have someone notice, me. See when I am in the corner because they know I need time to recharge and to kiss me on the head until the time has come to leave. Maybe that's the problem about being a professional storyteller, I dream of something that isn't meant for me.
By Rilee Arey3 days ago in Confessions
I am not enough
That morning was encrusted and sprinkled with snow, slippery slopes on which I was able to trundle , giggle and count my blessing , as my childhood has never been bored to tears , malicious or glum . The sun was jutting out of the wholly-latent clouds , its rays were gleaming on my puerile , young and always-smiling face . Parents have been toiling around the car , as it did not ignite and I was already late for my school . By the way , I have always been the most punctual , work-obsessed and hard-working girl , who had incessant , insatiable hunger for learning new thing by rote , bizarre concepts , zapping my classmates by using my intelligence and standing as the best apprentice . My teachers were always showering praise on me , as from my infancy the desire for learning foreign languages and reading as many as possible books has aroused on the surface and has never left its place . Also , I was orthodox person , who was going on pilgrimage quite frequently and professing the love which God is giving us unconditionally . Acclaim was swirling from even singe corner , from my teachers , grandparents , parents , some mates and me. Yes , I was still praising myself until one day which has revolved my world , halted my visions and left my annihilated and decimated . Just crawl and trawl in my own adversities and tears . My parents have found the solution and we have finally hit the road , nonetheless hectic and nauseous skidding was making my stomach turn .And this day has approached me . Not another quintessential day . Evocative and vengeful .
By VerboseThinkerabout 15 hours ago in Confessions
Go Tell it on the Mountain by James Baldwin
Published on the 18th of May, 1953, ‘Go Tell it on the Mountain’ became the book that James Baldwin is probably most famous for. Including the very real impacts of violence upon the African American community during a time of turbulence for Civil Rights, James Baldwin became an absolute superstar not just of his race, but of the oppressed in every situation, in every country, all over the world. From Palestine to the Civil Rights Movement, from the LGBTQA+ to Muslim Migrants from war-torn countries, James Baldwin is the voice of the oppressed not just through the way he presents the division, but the way he presents a reality that the oppressors could not possibly be aware of. A reality in which every day is a fight to survive. What makes this even more real is that this is a semi-autobiographical novel. In my personal opinion, James Baldwin was the most articulate man in history.
By Annie Kapur3 days ago in Geeks
Comments (1)
I'm here if you ever need an ear to bitch in, hon. As always, healing thoughts and vibes your way. You're always in my prayers.