Mixed emotions are brutal. I am terrified but extremely excited about one thing at the same.
I participated in a group called PACES (I don't remember the acronym) in May and June of this year. It is to help people with epilepsy who also need help learning to cope with emotions. With it being only eight weeks, it helps you learn but you don't practice them in the group. Near the end of the sixth session, the facilitator asked if she could call me. I have known her for over nine years so, of course, I was okay with it.
The conversation went kind of like this (no quotes because I'm paraphrasing since I don't remember verbatim)...
Her: I was wondering if you would be interested in being a peer facilitator. I think you are a perfect fit.
Me: What made you think of me for that?
Her: You've experienced it, you've attended PACES, and you are open about what you go through. Am I wrong?
Me: No, you're not wrong.
Her: So, are you interested?
Me: Yes, I am.
So, a few days later, I received an email allowing me to register for an upcoming training that is required to be a peer facilitator. I almost immediately filled out the form to join the training. It was, at first, going to be two live two-hour trainings a week apart but the format was changed.
Now it is two weeks to complete the virtual portion, which is primarily watching videos of the creators explaining everything in great detail. At the end of the two weeks, there is a live session where participants are paired and have to do a live 10-minute demo of a section of their choosing in front of the creators to see how we do.
I, being the fearful individual I am, have started to panic recently about it because I am terrified that I'll mess up. When the facilitator texted me today, I ended up being honest about how I started the training videos and how scared I am too. She told me that it isn't possible to fail (since that was the word I used when I couldn't think of a better word) and that the creators are "REALLY nice." Yes, she did capitalize it like that. I'm assuming that she did that for emphasis, it's the only reason I can think of for that being the case.
She told me that both she and another employee at that non-profit organization see me smile every time they mention to people that I will be doing the training and peer facilitating the next PACES group that they do. As of now, the next group will be starting in October, right after the training is completed.
I learned a week ago, that there are already some people who have already registered to attend the group. I wish I knew how many people registered so I could mentally prepare myself. I have always been passionate about the stuff that they cover.
Another reason I am so excited, despite my fear, is that I absolutely love volunteering for the non-profit. They have been there for me since my epilepsy diagnosis when I was 13. After all the help I received from them from 13 to the present, I started to give back when I was 17. It started with some office work, filing papers for the camp they do every summer. As soon as I turned 18, I started volunteering more. I have been helping with camp and their teen weekends, which are educational seminars for one weekend twice a year where we stay in a hotel.
Despite my love of volunteering, I'm terrified of the live demo. My brain is everywhere right now.