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My last first date

by Samaria Joyner 9 months ago in Dating

Go Big or Go Home

My last first date
Photo by Kym Ellis on Unsplash

That is it! I am tired of horrible dates. What does a girl have to go through to find THE ONE?!! For God to really get me to pay attention, he made this date one never to forget. I know I asked for a sign, but good grief, I had no idea what I was in for when I accepted my last first date.

I wanted to be brave and adventurous. Note to self. Brave and adventurous is not synonymous with rough and awkward. I considered myself to be an educated, independent and curious woman who just celebrated her 30th birthday for the 10th time.

I have made my vision board and I have prayed for my soul mate. I have even participated in a dating detox. All the exes have been circling and waiting for the weak, desperate and opportune time to move in for the pity hookup date.

I believed I was smarter than the typical 30 and some single woman. I was shocked when I received a call out of the blue from Marcus. I had no recollection of Marcus, but he had my number, he was funny on the phone, he was employed, and he appeared to have a working vehicle. Friends, we should have the makings of a good date. I disregarded the obvious red flags from the conversation, the warnings from my bestie and agreed to meet at a winery that was new to me.

It was the middle of the week and not too late. There were folks in the parking lot and even though I looped the crazy roundabout five times, I was only 15 minutes late. It is A-OKAY because I am super cute and feeling svelte in my black jumpsuit. I checked my exits (in case I needed to escape), straightened my shoulders and entered the winery.

I am greeted by cheerful and friendly faces, but I do not see the person I have facetimed. I checked out the menu, the bar and the patio. Just as I stepped back inside, I am blocked by a 6 foot something guy in a very tight hoodie, baggy jeans and an annoyed expression on his face.

You are late are the first words he uttered. Next, I am engulfed in a full body hug and I wondered why my feet were dangling in the air. Last time I checked; I did not agree to be swooped into the air. He goes in for a kiss and I bob and weave the puckered lips and now my feet are kicking back and forth as I try to get back to solid ground.

Small talk commenced, I gestured towards the tasting area because without a doubt, I needed an adult beverage, probably several. Our host presented the choices and asked what we typically sampled. I am an equal opportunist, so I have a great love for many varieties. Marcus stated he liked a Riesling. My eyebrow perked up because that is not a typical first choice for the other six foot four giants I have dated in the past. Something in my brain said listen carefully and expect the next red flag. Marcus cleared his throat, pointed to one of the wines and asked our host what a “MUR-LOTT” tasted like.

Stop the press! My head popped up, the host caught my eye in astonishment, glanced at the listing of wines and explained that a Merlot (pronounced correctly) was a dark colored red wine, medium bodied with soft tannins and juicy dark fruit flavors. I am still stuck on the fact that the man who greeted me with a bear hug, just asked what a “MUR-LOTT” tasted like. I looked around to see if there were cameras, someone else hidden off to the side because surely, I am being filmed in a reality TV pilot.

Needless to say, the date went even further downhill from there. I continued to avoid the puckered lips, dodged the octopus- like arms and wondered how two bees had literally landed inside the glasses and backstroked in the Riesling and Merlot samples.

Friends, as soon as I could, I claimed to have a headache, quickly exited and drove to the nearest restaurant that served a double BLT, curly fries and lemonade. I called my bestie to check in, confessed that her warning was valid and finally agreed to talk to Kevin. Kevin has waited three years for me to notice him and give him a chance to be THE ONE.

Friends, there are many lessons to be learned from the tales and woes of my dating life, but the most important nugget of information is that even on the worst date, a glass of Merlot is never wasted and can always be appreciated. Rest assured that Kevin and I are in a good space and he promised that I would never have to go on another first date again. Cheers!

Dating

Samaria Joyner

I am accepting a challenge given to me by my bestie. As we hurdle over milestones in life, we owe it to ourselves to leave a footprint in the format of written samples.

Read next: Sweet, Sweet Goodbye

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