My First Love

Today, I saw my reflection in the pool,

It was the first time I didn’t love that fool.

If I didn’t know better, I would swear,

That it wasn’t me, I wasn’t there.

From chubby cheeks and bandaged knees,

To movies, hikes, baked bread, and cheese,

I have always been my own number one.

No need for friends, life had just begun.

If a friend and I both wanted to do

Art, or drinks, or have beef stew,

If we already agreed, then that’d be great.

I wouldn’t have to toe the line, build the bridge, or wait.

There would be no need to compromise.

No, I won’t apologize.

I like being selfish. I want to be my own.

I don’t want to consider anyone; I’d rather go alone.

I have never minded being apart.

There are plenty of new fun things to start.

Alone, together,

Neither is worse or better.

I like walking in the rain,

And visiting new places by train.

I can use my own brain,

There has been no need for me to refrain.

I feel that way still.

That I can enjoy any thrill.

So why is it, that I am now obsessed with what is fair,

When I used to only be happy and not care.

It was when he came along.

My priorities grew wrong.

He is a sun so bright and sweet and strong.

I know that we belong.

We will always take care of each other.

One day he will help me become a mother.

The two of us will move, change, and develop,

A life of compassion and joy is what we setup.

Every new bright light he brought to me,

Will be beautiful, he will guarantee.

Still these additions come with a fee:

Fifty percent of what I used to choose to be.

I loved myself from first sight.

Second to none, I loved me with all my might.

I was not a lonely heart.

Even if I could, I would not choose to restart.

Now I have found my equal,

And I want an endless sequel.

Still, I find myself struggling,

To make room outside of snuggling.

I have become my own adversary,

Conflicting desires to be free and to marry.

The two are exclusive, you see.

I cannot love with all my heart AND just be me.

Now I am a partner.

What will I split my time for?

His dreams, his friends, his family.

His love, his support, his geniality.

I love him constantly, incessantly.

I love our joint exuberant revelry.

He is infinitely smart, inclusive, honest.

Together we laughed, lived, promised

Our worlds, our intentions, our years.

Everything I could want from one of my peers.

I will hold on forever

To my newfound pleasure.

Still, I need to find,

What so easily came to mind,

Before.

When I hadn’t needed more

Than just myself.

When I looked to fill the shelf,

Saw only my reflection and thought YES!

There was no need to impress.

I must profess,

I now feel stress.

I have heard,

Or so goes the word,

That the future will be best,

If the present I detest.

Just work harder,

Tomorrow will be filled with ardor.

I do not want to be happy in an hour or a week.

That feeling of a rich, elating, peak,

I want it now, now, NOW!

I don’t know how.

I won’t need much.

Just some simple choice or such.

Perhaps an invigorating, daydream inducing walk,

Maybe a conversation that really makes me want to talk.

I need something.

I NEED SOMETHING.

I can’t say what.

I don’t know what will make the cut.

There is a void.

Where once I enjoyed

Without direction.

I now must find perception.

Practice makes permanent.

So, I’ll have to act turbulent.

At least for a while,

Until I can smile,

At my first love again,

The girl I loved then,

Who was selfish and wonderful,

and never questioned the colorful.

I’ll bide my time,

Then once again reach my prime.

I won’t let go of what’s mine.

I will always remember to pine,

After loose teeth and frozen toes,

Dusty sunscreen smears and all the rows,

Of trophy’s, pizzas, and temporary tattoos,

Great memories I’ll never lose.

Eventually I’ll find a way,

Without sending my new sun away,

To love myself without trying.

This is the conclusion I’ll be supplying.

A me who is both free and taken,

A bold cocktail both stirred and shaken.

There will be no need to cry and scavenge,

I will arise to this challenge.