My First Death

Darkness, nothingness, devoid of everything but fear. Where am I? A fleeting thought across the surface of water. Who am I? I reach for the thought but catch nothing but mist. A beacon of light pierces the dark. All my terror melts away. Warmth, love, and acceptance reach for me. Invisible hands wrap about my small ones. “Come, let your fears go,” it is like liquid heat has shot into my veins. I take a timid step forward. Where am I? Who am I? The thought bursts forward and I falter.

The hand squeezes a reassurance. As my steps become more certain joy rushes to meet me. I am almost halfway to the glow and its radiance has grown larger. The only light in this vast sea of black. Suddenly two black arms clutch me around the waist. Terror seizes me as I am sucked back into the black. “Not yet,” the voice caresses my ear and it’s gone.

I sit bolt upright the grape popping from my mouth like a bullet from a gun. I thought I had known fear in the dark but it was an inconsequential blip compared to the terror I feel now. I try to scream but no noise can escape past the tubes and wires crammed down my throat. Wide tear-stained eyes are all I can see of the people who surround me. Their voices buzz about my ears like gnats but the meaning is unintelligible.

A quartet of arms flash forward to secure me in place. Pungent latex chafes my face, my neck as panic bubbles in my stomach, they had been frozen when I first moved but no longer like breaking from a trance they all seem to mill about becoming one, being, a machine. Words smack again my ears miracle, doctor, calm. But none seem able to register in my brain. I buck and strain beneath the latex claws of these strangers. Monsters with eyes full of fear. They are going to kill me.

I long for the darkness the promising light. Then I see her. As she moves to my side I feel all my panic melt away. My mother wipes the tears from my eyes and I can tell she has been crying. Why would she be crying? Was she here to save me? “Hush just lay still,” it’s like a balm has been applied to my soul. Her voice is the first thing to break the barrier. The strangers have not let go but their grips are less frantic. My mom smiles at me and gestures to a man who is not included in my captors. “The doctor is gonna help, you just need to be calm,” my mother intones. My eyes flash to this stranger and even behind his mask, I can see his smile.

I let my eyes rove the room as he speaks to the others in soft tones. I try to discover why I was so scared of these people. “Alright young lady. You gave us all a fright. But you’re going to be just fine now. I am going to take those tubes out of your throat. It shouldn’t hurt but it will feel strange. I need you to be a brave little girl though. Can you do that for me?” his voice is smooth and I glance at my mother who smiles reassurance. I nod slightly realizing that most of the quartet has retreated.

With slow careful movements, the doctor pulls on the tubes. It feels like snakes are slithering up my throat and terror begins to seize me again. Tears flood my eyes and my mother grips my hand. When at last the tubes are gone the hands release me and I begin sobbing as my mother pulls me into the safety of her embrace.