My Boy, I Am So Sorry

My son,

I am sorry your Christmas is no longer what you remember it being. I am sorry that as you get older, beliefs fade and things that you once believed in feel disappointing. The important thing is to remember that you can still have fun with it. Just because things you once believed in faded doesn't mean it can't be exciting to get a few gifts, they just become a little more practical as you get older.

"Mom there was nothing I was expecting or wanted so I don't know why I feel disappointed."

My heart broke for you as I looked upon your face Christmas morning, the excitement wasn't there anymore. Maybe it was coming back from your dads the same day? Maybe you were having an off day? I hurt for you and it made my Christmas day really difficult...you know I'd do anything for you. I so badly wanted to buy you the world after seeing how sad you were, I didn't know how to make it better, and I knew no matter how much I offered you, you wouldn't take me up on anything because--well because you are my kid and I didn't raise you like that.

The magic that you once believed in has faded over the last few years but that now means you get to enjoy the other side of things. As a parent, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, please don't worry yourself. I am sorry that you felt disappointed in Christmas, I am sorry you didn't have anything that you were looking forward too. Unfortunately this is a right of passage, you have to process the magic you felt in your soul since you were a little boy, it was so much fun to wake up and see what Santa got for you for Christmas huh? Now you move onto the new kinds of magic that adults and parents get to play with every day.

I wish I could tell you to grow up but it's not in me to be that cold, you should still believe in some forms of magic because if you don't have some sort of fantastical belief, life can be pretty dull. Just because you are older doesn't mean you can't believe in; a birthday wish, making a wish on a special number, or the luck of a four-leafed clover. There are still plenty of things left in this world to make a wish on or to believe in, the best thing is that there is so much magic around the holiday time. Maybe that's why I've always tried to have fun around the holidays, I've tried so hard to show you and your sister that there is magic in the small things.

I know you don't like The Polar Express but the idea of belief is the core of that film. I was on a drive without you on Christmas Eve and saw lights in the sky (a plane) and all I thought was, "look it's Santa's sleigh." It made me grin ear to ear because there are kids that need that mystery and excitement to know there is someone out there looking out for them. Remember, Santa may no longer be a person to you but to your sister or other little kids, he is. To older kids and adults he is a happy generous soul who gives without expecting anything in return (minus the copious amount of cookies and milk that get left out year after year).

Please know your sadness and disappointment this year did not go unnoticed. We noticed and we talked about it. Your feelings on the subject are completely valid and I hope us talking openly about it helps you come to terms with it for future years.

Please don't stop believing completely. There is still magic out there, a little belief goes a long way.

I love you,

<3 Mom