My 12-year-old self should've known better

Mumma,

I know we haven't sat down to have a heart-to-heart conversation for too long. And I'm sorry for that. Life got in the way, but I promise I'll be more mindful of spending our time together. 

I can only imagine how lonely you must feel after Dad went from our lives. 

Today, I need to tell you something. I have been keeping this inside me for so long that I don't want to bear it anymore.

I can only wish to know how you may feel when you learn this secret. I'll understand if you don't want to talk to me after this. You'll be right to do so. I hold no judgments. But if you have any questions or want to talk about it, know that I'm always here for you.

This secret is something I came across when I was 12 years old.

Do you remember when I was at Grandma's for the holidays? You hadn't come with us that summer because you had some work obligations. The same year, Uncle Sam and his kids, Allie and Claire, were there.

Allie and I were pretty close back then. She's two years older than me, but she was the closest to me. We knew each other's secrets and used to be together. 

When we were at Grandma's, we frequently went to the market. It was right next to our house, so we used to hop off to it at every chance we got. In the evenings, we went there to get ice-cream cones. And this was an almost daily occurrence.

A few days into our visit, Allie and I decided to eat ice cream, as usual, one evening. But when we reached the shop, Allie changed her mind. She said she was bored of eating ice-creams daily. I didn't understand. How can anybody be bored of eating ice-creams! Being a 26-year-old, I still don't.

She stressed buying something else and suggested we eat pizza. I didn't want to go. I even said we could ask dad to order it for us. But she declined my offer and insisted we walk to the pizza store. The pizza shop was on the way opposite our house. It was long before it got dark, so I thought there was no harm in obliging her.

So off we went.

I did not think of messaging dad to tell him about the change in our plans. I thought it wasn't much of a big deal. And I was sure to reach home well before it was dark. So we linked our arms and started walking opposite our house.

The trip to the store was approximately 10 minutes. Allie and I walked for 5 minutes and were already tired. I advised her again to buy something to eat or drink from a nearby store and get done with it. But you know how stubborn Allie is. If she fixed her mind on something, it was no point arguing with her.

But it was an uphill journey, and I was exhausted. I was breathing heavily. So we halted our trip and stood on the sidewalk. I couldn't even stand straight. I stood with my palms on my knees. I won't lie; I looked and felt like an older woman at that instant.

Allie was chattering about something to which I had no interest in listening. Her voice provided an excellent white noise for all the noise from the streets. But she suddenly stopped talking. I was pleased, thinking she had exhausted herself.

I looked from my bent position to confirm my suspicions. I saw Allie's eyes fixed upon something opposite the road. The street in front of us was a very narrow one. And we could see the people and shops on the other side of it very clearly.

I saw Allie's face contorted in an O shape. I wanted to know the reason for her shocked state. So I looked in the direction she was seeing.

When I fixed my gaze on what she was looking t, I could comprehend the reason for her shocked face very well.

I didn't have a mirror to look into, but I could assure you my face had a similar expression. What - or may I say who - I saw standing there was enough to generate pretty strong feelings in me.

It was Dad.

Now him standing there wouldn't have raised any brows or concerns from us. But what shocked us to the core was who was there with him.

When I looked at the other side of the road, I saw Dad leaning against a wall. He was wearing his flannel shirt. I couldn't gauge what trousers he was wearing as a woman blocked my view.

A woman in a flowy dress was leaning there too–against Dad.

I could see Dad's hands on her back. And her hands were on his shoulders. They were lost in themselves and had no idea of their spectators. It looked like a lover's embrace.

Even my 12-year-old self understood what I was watching was wrong. But I couldn't take my eyes off the scene. Allie must have understood what I was feeling. Because she wrapped her arms around my shoulders, trying to comfort me. I sank into her arms.

But her's weren't the arms I wanted to comfort me. 

I wanted someone to burst out of the bushes saying this was all a prank. I wanted Dad to notice us standing here. I wanted him to come running to us and assure me what I was seeing right now wasn't true.

But nothing of that sort happened.

As I watched the lady and Dad, his hands glided down her body. And her hands moved up to cup his face on either side.

And they kissed.

I stood there motionless for a moment or two. But Allie pulled my shoulders into her arms, turning my back towards them. I felt sick to my stomach. I told her I wanted to go home. Thankfully, she agreed with me this time.

Allie held me all the way back to the house.

When I came back home, Dad wasn't there. We went to our rooms, and I climbed onto my bed to sleep. I was feeling very sleepy suddenly. 

That night, I got a fever. No one understood why I had got it. Dad attributed it to the ice-creams. I agreed. It was due to the ice-creams we didn't have. 

If only we had the ice-creams and came back home! If only we never went out of our way that day!

But I missed you the most that time. I wish you had been there with us. I wanted you to tell Dad what an idiot he was. I desired to hold onto you and cry and scream my heart out. But I couldn't.

I didn't even have the guts to talk about this with Dad. I was hurt, angry, and sad all at the same time. But most of all, I was ashamed. I was embarrassed - for him.

I couldn't wrap my head around why he would do something like this. Why would he try to break our family? We were so happy together - at least before my world came crumbling down.

It has been years since Dad died. I sometimes think about what he might have done if he had more time with us. Maybe Dad would have confessed his actions. Perhaps he wouldn't have. I don't know.

Allie was the only person who knew I had witnessed such a thing. And she understood me. Allie even supported my inability to bring this up with anyone. 

She wanted to protect me from such torture in her naive way. Being a child of divorce, she knew how difficult it was when parents weren't together. We all know how her Mom's actions affected her entire family.

I had no idea if you knew about all this then. I didn't understand back then that you had the right to know about it. My 12-year mind couldn't comprehend that our family's fate would be the same no matter what we did.

I'm sorry, Mom, to have kept this from you for so long. I don't ask you to discount my actions to my age. No matter how naive I was, I knew I should tell you even back then. 

For days, I kept trying to confess to you but couldn't. But I couldn't bring myself to say to you all this. I am sorry, Mom, to have let you down.

I know I don't say it enough, but I love you, Mumma. I love you for being the wonderful mum you've always been. I love you for always being there for me. I love you for taking care of me my whole life. 

Thank you for being the most fantastic Mom out there. I love you.