Monday Night Raw

The last twenty-four to forty-eight hours have been tumultuous at best, but first some background to set the stage....

I recently accepted a fabulous job that requires a cross country relocation and I couldn't be more excited. Cross country relocation comes with all kinds of challenges: emotional, financial, mental, and sometimes even physical. The journey to date has been rife with all of those challenges in varying degrees, but not to the extent that it has over the last couple of days.

What started as a productive weekend cleaning out our storage unit has evolved into me being heart broken and angry. I am an only child and share a close relationship with my parents but I am not once of "those" only children. Throughout this whole process I've been consulting with my parents due to the number of relocations they've completed themselves. My father is stoic, a bit of a mad scientist, a touch absent minded professor, with a dash of philosopher. My mother is a firecracker that feels things deeply while sometimes being explosive.

Before I continue this story please remember that I do love my mother very much and, like all humans, she has some pretty sharp thorns at times.

Anyways - like I said earlier, I've been consulting both my parents about move and this afternoon things took a not entirely unexpected turn; which is where this becomes 100% raw. I haven't been the best at managing my finances and the fault for that is a 50/50 give and take between myself and my husband (also another story for another time). My parents have been amazing about supporting me/us to include some hard knocks along the way. Today - was another one of those hard knocks but delivered unfairly.

Over the last few weeks, and especially the last few days, my mother has been there for several meltdowns and kept reassuring me that both of them are willing to help me as much as they can. Today alone, I had several meltdowns and heard that same phrase multiple times. We were discussing plans and options for when to leave and how in the heck I was going to come up with a huge chunk of money out of thin air. Part of the conversation between sobs was a viable solution to the issue at hand, including an apartment we wanted to apply for before it was too late.

So - after listening to my mother tell me repeatedly they would help me as much as they could - I asked for their help with the application fee for both of us. After saying yes, and my father sending me the necessary amount, my mother chews me out in a text message. Telling me that this has to stop, they can't continue bailing me out, they're on a fixed income and can't always do this, etc. etc. I felt blind sided and hurt, like she slapped me in the face. She literally spent the day telling me they would help me as much as they could only to chew me out for asking for said help later. The only thing I sent back to her was that she could have said no and it would have been fine, but also - thank you. What else could I say? (Don't answer that - I know there's a lot a could have said).

I have learned over the course of my life being around my mother that less is more. Call it whatever you want - politics, survival, trauma response - all would be correct. (Yes, I know - I sound like one of those 'woke' elder millennials but I'm not. I've always been very self aware and also outwardly aware of why I am the way I am). I share this here because opening up to strangers seems easier than opening up to my mother. As much as I love my mother, you - dear stranger - will not manipulate me into feeling bad about myself. And you - dear stranger - will not come to her defense with undying loyalty and make me feel even worse.

(Disclaimer: My parents are flawed just like us all. And, just like us all, they have varying degrees of self awareness related to those flaws. They are not perfect, I am not perfect, no one is perfect. We are all flawed individuals trying to make it through this thing called life). Thanks you for listening (well.... reading). I don't know you, but I appreciate you.