mom, I know

Mom, I know

I know we’re not technically the “I love you” family but as an adult myself it's getting harder to hold the words back. It's really hard to keep saying “God bless you” when I really want to say “I love you”. So I'm going to say it in this letter…

God bless you by the way

I know I will always be your little boy but I am no longer a little boy. I know now what it means to be an adult. The annoying feeling of responsibility, the knowledge that your life and the life of many others are in your hands, sometimes literally. True awareness of death has settled and dreams are overshadowed by reality.

I know now how difficult it is to make a difficult decision, how hard it is to stay true when everything around you is falling apart and how it feels to be betrayed by the ones you love. I'm just now starting to feel pain. The pain that you have carried for all these years so that I may be alive and here today. Thank you for doing that and from the bottom of the heart that you gifted me I'd like to say…

God bless you

Mom, I know now that you too are just another human being, lost in this theater of experience we call life, along with your own prejudice and weaknesses like the rest of us. Like the rest of us you too have not always made the best decisions but I know and understand that you did your best. I know you wish to have done more but you should have no regrets. No regrets at all. You are after all only a human and for that…

God bless you

By the way, I now know the family secret. The one you refuse to disclose all those years. The one that makes you and the other adults uncomfortable. The one thing that can bring the family to its knees, I know it now and I should thank you for keeping it a secret from me. It is too much to handle, too heavy to carry, too deep to fathom. I know now why you kept it from me and you should know that I promise to keep and protect the secret for as long as I can. Thank you and…

God bless you

Mom, I know you want me to settle down, find love and be happy but how do I find love? They've said the word so many times it has become nothing more than a word. They've heard it so many times it's lost all of its value and meaning. So how can I love when “God bless you” is all I can say, and all that's really needed to be said...

God bless you by the way

I know you want grandkids but how can I bring a child into this world, a world I question myself if I want to stay in. How can I bring a child into a world that transforms children into commodities, a world that poison the minds of infants, a world in which children are slain in the safety of their classrooms by other children as the adults watch from the outside, debating politics.

How can I do that to you? How can I do that to your grandchild? I know I need to be strong but what if I don't have your strength. What if I don't possess your endurance? The love that only a mother can give a child, the love that never needs to be said. The one you showed me. What if I don't have that?

I know. I know this is a lot but thank you for being you and I want to end by saying God bless you… which roughly translates to

I love you…

happy MOTHER’S day