Mom, I do not hate you

Mom, I am sorry you feel that I hate you due to the distance between us. I need you to understand, I do not hate you, but I do hate your hypocrisy; I hate that always victimise yourself. Why is it difficult for you to be truthful? I know deep down you are not a bad person. You say I have resentment towards you, maybe I do, but I view resentment as deep hatred towards someone. I still remember so much of the things you did to me back then, but I do not hold any grudges against you. I just wish you could see yourself from my eyes.

Every time you tell me being a mom is the best thing and that is is beautiful, I start to remember the past, and I remember that the moments I experienced with you were nothing beautiful. Why did you listen to your friend when she told you to hit me? Did you do it because you could not think for yourself? Why did you create moments of embarrassment for me? Do not think that I forgot about the time you insulted a girl when I was in the sixth grade. Do you have any idea how awkward it was to run into her every time? I wish you could be in my shoes, so you could understand how my heart felt.

I am not perfect, there are things in my past I wish never happened. I do not tell you what happened in my past because I know you would be quick to judge me. Knowing myself, I know I would start to talk about what I know about you. I know what you did in your past, but I am not judging you; all I am saying is that if I were to talk about what you did in the past, you would not be able to handle it.

I do not mean to make you feel like I do not love you, forgive me for not being able to be affectionate. But how can I feel close to you when you do not understand me? I am not going to force a bond with you; I do not want you to feel like you have to try constantly for me to love you. I just want you to be happy. I want you to be happy and not worry too much about me; I am 23 years old now, and I am doing just fine in life. I am grateful that you did not abandon me despite our differences. Just because you were a mom with flaws, that does not mean that you are evil.

Evil is a word that does not go with you. I was surprised when my sister mentioned to me that you are the only one who sends money for my grandfather's medicine, the rest of his sons and daughters only visit him when they are getting money. It also amazes me that you give me such a bright smile every day you come home from work. You always say to me: "How is my princess doing?" I love how you tell me the funny incidents that happen at your job and how you give me advice on relationships. I always appreciate your efforts to try to help me with college. I know how much it will mean for you that I graduate.

Mom, you are important to me, and I appreciate you with all my heart. You have your flaws, but that is normal, everyone makes errors. I just hate that you always make excuses for your actions. I wish you would not be afraid of being honest, I do not like it when you kiss up to people sometimes. Most of all, I wish you would not make every moment about you. It is not always about you; when I am expressing how I feel, there is no need for you to get defensive. I am not attacking you at all. It is not my fault that you do not like my honest emotions about something I do not agree with. I feel that this is why I am so distant with you.