Man I Trust

Today after work my mom and I went to Publix, to grab some last minute things for kiddush and she said she really wanted to share a song with me from “her time”. I was expecting Madonna or like some older Brazilian song, but no.

She started playing the song “I want it that way” by the BackStreet Boys. I laughed. I told her that it was from MY time and my brothers time.

She said “whatever”. I laughed again. Nice try mom.

I remember when I was on my “date day”/lake day with him. I loved watching him drive his dads boat.

I even remember him showing a house that apparently was from one of the Backstreet Boys. He was so happy about too. I was too, but I was happier I was on a boat with him.

He was driving the freakin boat for gods sake. Like that day like all the others, I was mesmerized by him. He’s always been such a man to me.

I remember him getting gas for the boat and I remember the way the waters made the boat feel like it was bumpy even.

I remember when he had gone back to school and I messaged him a picture of the boat saying “we miss you”.

Thinking about our memories makes me so happy. I kept them. As many as I could. I kept them safe, because they were all times I was happy.

Guys after him were a nightmare. Even now. Mister tea guy has left me alone, I’m so thankful. But two others giving me vibes that just don’t want it. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t like this feeling.

Like even feels like my freedom blasted something on past guys I’ve been friends with and it’s very uncomfortable.

I only want to hangout with you if you see me as a friend the way I see you. There’s just only one man I want in my life. He’s the only one I would even like to join in this whole thing, you know?

Maybe he would like my genuine guyfriends. But those giving me creepy vibes, I don’t want to hangout with them.

Also, like, when did I become so fascinating?

Please leave me alone. I’ve had enough going on this year. The last thing I need is drama.

I tried my best at leaving him alone today and I believe everything is ok.

I feel like nothing has changed which is ok.

I had a very emotional night relating more of my emotions that I just couldn’t hold in and I was so scared.

He was very attentive and even though he did t say anything, he’s still here for me.

There came peace in my heart.

Hashem, thank You so much for his patience with me. He’s been so patient with me.

I just miss him and I continue to miss him.

I wish I could see him.

I wish I could spend time with him.

I wish I could be someone he misses.

I wish I could be someone he doesn’t want to live without.

I decided to listen to his music tonight.

His music gives me peace.

His music makes me feel like I am special to him.

Music is something sacred, at least I think so.

His music has so much meaning.

His music is so tailored to us and it’s why it gives me peace.

I’m so thankful for him, Hashem.

I wish I could experience it all with him.

I wish this time apart would stop.

I’ve never cried so much in my entire life for someone.

He’s always been so special to me.

I hate to remember all of the instances I found myself crying at the Winter Garden Village. Remembering when we’d go window shopping and when we actually went shopping for him at Bealls.

Moments that I feel so powerless.

Moments that I felt so empty.

My tears today are that I just miss him so much.

Hashem, please help me.

There’s nothing I can do or say.

I’ve said and expressed so much.

All I can do is wait and pray.

I love him so much.

I love him more than he could ever know.

He made me feel love again when I thought it didn’t exist anymore and I was so sure about that.

My brother always told me to never say “I love you to someone when you first start dating, because when you say it, you need to mean it.” He was so right.

I’ve said I love you so many times I stopped feeling. Almost like where my heart was felt numb.

Can you Imagine feeling nothing?

Can you imagine feeling like your chest is a black hole?

Feeling empty?

I never want to feel that way if I’m given a choice to be happy.

He ignited love, passion, and my feminine side inside of me.

I read on Twitter masculine men make feminine women more feminine and that made me smile so much.

That’s how I feel with him.

He makes me feel like I can get through anything, the way I have been. He makes me feel safe and heard. He makes me feel giddy and flirty. I just feel my best with him. I feel like everything’s ok.

I believe in my heart that he isn’t letting me go this time.

I’d go anywhere with him.

He’s the man I trust.

He’s the man I want to follow.

He’s the man I want to love and care for.

Not because he needs me, I don’t feel like he does.

I feel like I need him.

If he ever tells me he needs me I think that’s blow my mind, because he can go so long without speaking with me. Everytime I see him online, I want to say hi and I want to talk and everything.

Sometimes I instantly regret it, because I feel like I’m bothering him and other times I let it rip in faith that he won’t be upset with me.

I never want to make him upset with me. I never want to see his face that way at me. If we ever fight or argue, I pray we can talk about it. With him I’ve never been aggressive. I’ve never felt like yelling at him or anything like that. If anything, I feel fragile. I feel like if he says no, that’s pretty much it.

I know I have a voice too, but I just prefer to speak with him in a way that I know he won’t be upset with me.

He’s been so calm in my eyes and patient. He said no one time that I can remember and I almost felt like he was very upset with me, it broke my heart.

After I reread it, I wondered if maybe he wasn’t that way, he could’ve been just casually saying it.

I can’t and haven’t lashed out nor yelled anymore, it’s been a little over a year now.

It’s been ever since I felt his love for me grow. Not even with all the stress I had, I remained as calm as I could, I just had issues with my anxiety.

I’m so grateful even in that sense he’s been so amazing to me.

With him in my life, so much has changed and fallen into place, there’s been so much peace.

He’s my greatest blessing.

He’s my hero.

He’s my answered prayer.

I’m praying he wants me in his life.

I’m praying he misses me.

Life with him would be such a dream to me.

Waking up to him.

Seeing him smile at me.

Feeling him close by.

Laughing with him and I wonder what he would do if some guy came to hit on me.

He has a way that I love when he doesn’t like something and it’s like he communicates that pretty well with just his eyes.

I bet other guys are intimidated by him.

He’d kick their butts I bet.

He’s such a hero to me.

I’m so thankful for him Hashem.

Please be with him.

Protect him and help him with all he does. With all he needs to do.

Give him the confidence and strength he needs everyday.

Pour Your blessings on him every morning.

He’s so important to me.

I miss complimenting him and connecting with him.

I miss the way he acts when he teases me.

He’s so clever and witty and handsome.

I love everything he says.

He’s been so serious about this inflation stuff and the way he gets about things/topics he cares about is so inspiring.

I miss watching and listening to him debate with different people. He always sounds so intelligent.

I miss his smile at me.

I miss his eyes.

I miss all of him so much.

It’s why I don’t even care if I see him for 2 secs only.

I would prefer to spend way more time, but if he gave me even 2 secs I would still be thankful.

Hashem please help me. I miss him so much. I miss his voice.

I miss it when he’d say congrats/congratulations to me.

He said nothing when I said I was free.

He’s been so quiet now and I really don’t like it. It scares me to my bones. I’m praying I get to keep him. That he’s my forever.

He’s my knight in shining armor.

The reason I found hope, love..

He’s my love, meu amor.

He’s my life, minha vida.

I’m praying I get to see him soon.

I’m praying I can we can be official soon. I just don’t know how he’s going to do it but I trust it will be very meaningful how ever he decides. He makes everything so special. When he does something, it’s got so much meaning and heart.

I remember praying for him during the hurricane.

I prayed for a list of people, but I made sure to pray for him and for his family too.

There was a hurricane and I already forgot the name of it. I’ve always been so bad with names.

Anyway, from what I’m aware it feels like everything is fine.

He’s safe, his family’s safe and everyone else I prayed for had little damage and we just had the water come up on the street and lake, but our house was safe.

Thank You so much for your mercy and protection, Hashem.

I’m so blessed.

I’m so thankful for this man.

His presence in my life has been so special.

I never want to take him for granted.

He just means so much to me.