Festival

Lanterns Festival in Orlando, Fl on November 19th.

The word “lantern” caught my attention. It’s something I didn’t know existed besides on Tangled.

Here’s the thing……

Rapunzel is one of my favorite Disney princesses and I see bits and pieces of myself within her and princess Belle.

It’s a girl thing.

I’m not one to go to events often.

I think this year I’ve been the most social since 6 years ago!

This event I read and reread about 3-4 times to make sure I understood what would go on during the event.

I thought it would be a great option to spend time with him again.

A public scenery, but in a sense still private since I’d only spend time with him during the event. About 4 hours long and ends early enough he can still do other things if he wanted.

I told him about so many times and he didn’t answer.

I fear I may be going alone.

I was pushy and all I could do tonight was cry about it.

I feel like his boundaries sometimes consists of cutting out all communication with me.

I imagined this time being so different since I’m free and it’s thanks to him in my life.

Without him, I don’t know if I’d make it this far.

I just don’t think I’ll ever spend time with him again and not because I don’t want to…. I’m dying to. I’m so powerless.

I tried today to provide him support.

I love this man enough that I just want him to be happy. It’s always been that way for me.

If I don’t want him to force me into anything.

I shouldn’t force him to do anything, right?

I just misunderstood his intentions with me.

This year has been such a roller coaster.

I thought it would end by his side.

I’m to see the lanterns. I’m going to try to plan a trip soon. I need to stop if I’m suffocating him.

What sucks the most is I can’t stop myself from crying.

The fact that I’ve expressed and over expressed myself in ways I never have in the past and I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve always wanted to belong to him.

I’ve always wanted to make him happy. To be the reason. I enjoy our memories.

I just wanted the chance to make more memories with him.

I’ve told my friends about him and I’ve been so happy to share, but I’m just so scared.

Hashem, I just wanted to keep him this time. I just wanted us this time.

I saw several videos coming up like “if he wanted to, he would” and I think that’s so hurtful, because I just always believed we both had stuff going on.

He gives me attention and he listens to me. He hasn’t lashed out at me, you know?

I just don’t understand.

For a girl who wasn’t raised sleeping around and going out every night, I really don’t know what to do.

I’ve always been told that men don’t want girls like that.

I’ve always been told, they want a woman who stays reserved and who’s nurturing. It’s who I’ve always been.

Another whole year without him I guess.

Please help me, Hashem.

I just thought my nightmares were over.

He’s the man of my dreams.

I don’t know what to do.

He is love to me.

How am I supposed to say he doesn’t love me? How am I supposed to believe that?

Debating if this is when I just try to leave him alone.

This way, maybe he will still want to see me.

I didn’t imagine life without him after I was sure we were on the same page.

I don’t know what to do.

I just don’t know anything.

Maybe it’ll be different if I don’t talk about the lanterns or any other event with him anymore. The way I try to small talk with him.

Maybe everything is still ok and I’m just overthinking.

I’m praying I didn’t mess anything up.

Am I supposed to believe that I’m just the walking “red flag” or what else.. The “crazy girl”.. “stalker” am I?

I just thought he knew me better than that.

I just thought he knew my intentions were pure and that we share similar values.

I imagined things so different now.

I just wanted to spend time with him.

My heart hurts so much in my chest, Hashem.

Please let me keep him.

He’s my blessing.

He’s my whole heart and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how to say or feel any different.