His side

Have you ever looked into nothing, just the wall and just had one tear at a time racing down your cheeks?’

You can’t help the feeling.

Your heart tightens in your chest and you breathe almost faintly through your mouth.

Two nights this way.

Thinking about how much I miss this man.

Thinking about how there’s just nothing else I can do to make anything happen faster.

I found myself like this at about midnight again.

I caught myself after about an hour and just began cleaning.

Making some chamomile tea and just praying I can be with him soon.

All I can do is pray.

Heard almost a voice tonight telling me to get gone. How much peace there would be and honestly that thought just saddens me more.

To think there would be more peace with me gone.

I wouldn’t be annoying or a burden to anyone and I’m sobbing all over again.

I never pictured myself so fragile, so needy.

Today was a better day.

With him in my life, so much has gotten better and one of those things is my relationship with my brother.

My sister-in-law today actually had a genuine conversation with me and over all it was pleasant.

I played with my nephew, he’s so precious.

After it all, they said I should hangout with them and their friends sometime.

I have been hot and cold about going out, I haven’t even hung out with my brothers Vinny, Rafael and Andrea. They’ve been so supportive with telling me to work on myself and doing what I enjoy and I’m hoping we get to catch up soon.

Something that caught me this evening was also the attention he gave me.

As if I’m important to him too.

He gave me so much attention this evening.

Was such a wonderful surprise.

I even wonder if he prioritized me over his game.

Am I ungrateful?

The way that I continue crying like this?

The way I feel I’m so needy.

The way I keep repeating how much I miss him.

The way I feel I may be asking for too much.

Then I apologize, because I don’t want to be a burden.

I wish I could fast forward to see how life unravels.

I wish I could pray to see myself so happy by his side.

The way I used to feel.

When we walked anywhere, as long as I was clinging to him, I felt so happy. As long as he was nearby.

I close my eyes and all I can hear is the clock in the living room tick tock while waiting for my tea to cool.

I pray one day I can look back proud that I survived so much.

I pray to thank Hashem I held on.

I pray to thank him for being with me.

I pray he reaches all of the desires of his heart.

I pray he always finds a reason to smile.

I pray he experiences all that he wants out of this life.

I pray he’s respected wherever he goes.

Whether he decides to include me or not.

I pray he is consistent with blessings, with happiness.

I pray it pours down every morning.

I pray he’s able to see as many sun rises as possible.

I pray he thinks of me.

I pray he smiles when he does.

That I’m a precious memory.

I pray I’ve got a special place in my Heart the way he’s in mine.

He did some baking today and I’m so proud of him.

He’s such a man.

He’s so independent.

He’s so hardworking.

I pray he’s always up to trying new things that will be good for him of course.

Things that will elevate him in all areas of his life.

He’s my happiness.

He’s my blessing, my Angel.

He’s my hero.

He’s my love.

He’s my life.