Love will never be found

He came back into my life. We agreed, we both knew it would be temporary. It still hurts. It’s hurt everyday knowing that he was going to walk back out as easily as the first time. The vain and meaningless I love you’s whispered in my ear from time to time. The longing I feel as his arms wrap around me and he holds me close in the dark. Each day passing and I know, I know the end is near. It came quicker than I thought. The end of May.

I always thought maybe he would stay. Maybe not quite literally but I mean with me. I always did. Even from the beginning I thought I was enough. I thought I have to be, because then what is it all for. A whole year later and I still grieve for a love I never had and I mourn the loss of something that will never be. I envisioned everything, right down to his and her towels. I agreed. The end of Spring. We knew and we agreed that this was all supposed to be temporary. I allowed myself to guard and shield and yet I yearned. I yearned in this hopeless way that maybe it would never end.

He and I are so much alike and so different in all the right ways. He seems so much happier now, which is a different kind of painful. How can he feel so happy with me and yet walk away from me at this same time? Why can’t we have it all, what’s wrong with wanting it all? He wants to discover things without me though. I’ve never been that person, I want to share my life. That’s what most people want. Despite what the divorce rates say, most people who get divorced end up remarrying. He, however, is the most afraid of commitment.

And yet he wants me to tell him things, tell him how I’m doing. All my health problems, school, family. What is it all for? This friendship we created is based on something that we once had and lost. How much longer do I need to allow myself to suffer?

It’s painful, to hear that from now on whenever he smells the perfume I wear he’ll think of me. He wouldn’t have to think of me, he could have me. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t want me fully anyway. He wants me in the moment when it’s convenient and temporary. I want him every day, I want to hear his laugh in the morning and I want to be able to turn over and know he’s there in bed next to me.

He likes to sleep alone though. I can’t remember the last time we slept next to each other, even before he left. I remember how loud his snoring is. It never bothered me.

So I’ll grieve again, I’ll shed my tears as I fall asleep in bed alone. I’ll continue on this new path I have to create for myself because now I have to live for only me and I’m finding it difficult. But not always, some days are just harder than others. Like today. Today was hard. It was hard facing reality. It always is. Tomorrow I’ll wake up, have some coffee and I’ll distract myself with something meaningless until the next thing. I’ll dream of the future, whatever that may be. I will continue to try to remember only the good things. I know it’s just me from now on. Since I can’t love him, I’ll just have to learn how to love myself. After all, at least I know I’m reliable.