Love is Part Xll

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."

- Booker T. Washington, author and politician

THE CATALYST

It feels like I am the missing ingredient to a recipe. If I don’t show up, then the “dish” is never finished or improperly finished. But if I do show up, then the table is set and the bar is raised and you can never have the “dish” without it again. I have to show up! I love that I am resourceful and the fact that I will always protect women and children.

I believe that , like anyone else, my perspective and point of view is what makes me impactful. Not only that, but learning to not be apologetic about my beliefs and knowing that they are good and to be willing to share them. “If you have something great, the only way to make it better is to share with somebody who will appreciate it”

I’ve discovered that I can be cold on the surface but I’m actually a rather empathetic person. I’ve learned that I don’t go all in easily. It’s hard to fall all the way in love. I can be distrusting and skeptical. I do love love but sometimes I think it just fits better on others than myself.

I think a wholesome union between Black Man and Black Woman is God Ordained and a mighty force to be reckoned with. It has to be right for the both of them. If not, there will be much frustration, anger, confusion and disagreement. It has to be done right or it’s better to be single. Don’t rush or force, and stop ignoring red flags.

I’d have to forgive my Mother, my Father, Myself, and my former wife. My mother had habits that caused scars that I wasn’t sure I had for a long time and have just come to light in my own consciousness. My Father because he did not fight hard enough for me. I was his only son for years and did not get to experience him. Myself for not being better, for not being perfect, for expecting myself to be perfect. My former wife for having her own experience of life and not molding into exactly who I thought I needed her to be and fast enough. And any decisions and actions that she may have made that did not serve what I thought and believed to be the most important.

Trauma. I know I don’t ever want to go through again and no one else around me, so I become the necessary change. Always being cautious, but when caution turns to fear it can disable a man. I’ve experienced fears of rejection and failure. It made me docile and want to hide away for a while. Now it’s pissing me off so much that I want to do something about it. Anger is a tool in a man’s toolbox. We just need to learn when to use it and how to use it appropriately. Same with traumas as well.

REALIZATION

I’m realizing that the ideas that I had years ago were gold. I’m realizing that I’ve ALWAYS been capable of achieving what I desire. It’s not that I’m learning so many new things, but realizing how many truths are already a part of me. Realizing the power and honor of being a Black Man.

Most obstacles, specifically as a black man, starts with a sense of belonging and pride. If you were around it then it’s a part of you. If you’ve never experienced it, then you don’t know what’s missing. The mental image that paints us inferior to someone else takes real work to unlearn. Also, to enter so many rooms and be the only black man, can be both empowering and exhausting. It’s easy when you’re perfectly prepared and ready to swim with sharks. It can be intimidating when you are young and frankly don’t know sh*t yet. We are defining our manhood today. We are establishing our culture today. We are establishing our livelihoods and family structures. It’s a stacked battle but I do believe as Black Men collectively, we are forever reaching upward as the tree does.

My purpose is to help bridge the gaps in our peoples minds. To help ensure that we return to our upright stature. To instill truth, duty, respect and honor into my 5 sons so that they may reach further than I ever will. To show young black men more life than sports, drugs, sex, money, and death. I am to be apart of the new generation of MEN!

I would tell my young self to be honest, make the hard choices, and that you can’t please or help everybody. The truth will set you free. Often men, especially young men, will withhold some info because we think it will hurt someone. When in truth it’s the only chance they’ll ever have to heal and deal with it, we are not anyone else’s God, only in our own world. Stand on business!

I am still good to my core. I don’t stray away. But it’s the habits I’ve held for over a decade now that gets to persist when I’m alone. When you stay disciplined while alone you truly start to increase your strength. I am currently raising that bar on myself now! I expect more from me.

I think people will remember me for Fatherhood immediately. But I also hope that they’ll remember a time I encouraged them directly or indirectly. I think they will all remember that I’m rather “pro black”. I think , unfortunately, there is crowd of people that will remember me for the big weed days lol. I know what I hope… but I’m not sure what people would actually think.

THE TRAILBLAZER

I am a person of integrity. One that’s uninhibited, often observant and too deep in my thoughts. Im here to inspire through my artistry and creativity.

I’ve faced racism, legal trouble, losing loved ones and career struggles. Navigating through it has been challenging. Changing my mindset, embracing challenges, focusing in on simple pleasures, keeping myself empowered, having a sense of humor and being creative to help steer through adverse times.

Traumatic experiences have opened my mind up for deeper thoughts. Made me realize that cycles can’t be repeated in order for me to continue my growth. I’m more conscious in my decision making.

ELEVATION

I often speak to high school students about business and entrepreneurship. In work life, I do my part marketing and promoting events to provide a great experience for patrons. My ambition is to go after whatever I set out to accomplish. Having a knack for being innovative in how I approach things. My reserved personality allows for not to be easily read by others.

In love, I’ve discovered what I’m willing to accept and what I won’t. I’ve also learned so much about myself. I’m single, still learning and trying to not make previous mistakes. Forgiving allows me to make progress in my journey and helps foster healthier relationships.

THE GATEKEEPER

Before I began to label myself as The Empress, perhaps I was just a lover girl. An impressionable young woman. I’ve always been Bold, Brilliant , and Beautiful. Loud about it too . I used to be more free, naive , and expressive . I believed in all the goodness of the world. Viewed it all with innocent eyes. There was a time where I seen no evil, feared no evil and believed in no evil. I believed that life was all light until I had countless moments that reeled me into darkness. True shadow. This caused a shift in my heart. Matured my mind. Heightened my instincts and made me surrender to god. Catastrophic moments in my life catapulted me into my god body and form. The Empress was born. She is the conqueror, protector , seer and diviner in me. She is the light within the d a r k.

I’ve been getting closer to God in such a profound and intimate way. I’ve been reading the Bible and the Quran. The word moves me so much that I leave tears on the pages when I read the scriptures aloud. I want to do things right. My spirit is urging me to pray daily. To study and eat well. To take care of my physical body and my home. To love on my beloved’s because life is a journey and you never know where yours will take you or when it will end. So I am deepening my connection to gratitude and being present/in the moment.

I have been relaxing so much more these days to remain grounded. The feminine urge to just rest, relax and receive is in full effect. I’ve always been a strong, independent business woman with a dream, a plan and courses of action backed behind it all. I’ve been able to do a lot and carry a lot on my own but honestly … I am tired. My spirit is tired. I need and want help and I want it from a big, strong black man with big arms and a full beard okay hallelujah, amen. Husband , come get me.

My Father was only somewhat influential in a positive way in my life. He was brave, intense and full of knowledge. His mind is expansive. His wisdom is ancient. He could’ve been a great teacher if his ways of teaching weren’t so twisted. I have the deepest love for him nonetheless.

I have always intentionally surrounded myself with older, wiser gentlemen so that I could learn the ways of men without having to consult my Father. We never learned how to communicate with one another and long gone are the days of me being in the mood to battle over every minor conversation or debacle. My Dad was never a role model .

My Papa , my Father’s Dad, is my favorite. My Papa is a southern man with flair and charm. He’s tender, genuine and handsome. It doesn’t matter how old I am or how big I get , I can always sit on my papa’s lap and let him rock me back and forth like a baby while teaching me the ways of god . The lessons of love . I remember I asked him once what is the meaning of love . He looked at me and said “Well baby , love is simple. It’s so simple that people miss it every time. When you love someone , you make the constant choice to let them be free and happy as they allow you to be free and happy. You love on yourselves and then come together and share that love with eachother . Baby girl , it’s that simple”

And it is.

NAVIGATING THROUGH NIRVANA

I think random strangers would have a multitude of perspectives on who I am . Some may think that I am wild and totally unhinged . Others may find me to be witchy or spiritually evolved . Then there’s a sector of perspectives that may view me as vulgar, unpredictable , bo$$y, trustworthy and special.

Recently I’ve been playing around with my femininity. It’s clear as day that , on the surface , I come off as being overly masculine & dominate. I initiate and go after what I want . I’m learning how to soften myself . To be receptive to receiving and allowing what and who wants me to come to me instead of seeking and chasing. I feel safer with my masculine energy . I have more control there. Femininity makes me feel like I’m in a constant vulnerable position while also being forced to defend and protect myself when I should always feel safe and centered .

A beloved once asked me if I’m willing to let go of the past to learn how to love hard again and I must say that I am getting there. I’m doing my best to re-awaken the aliveness I once felt in my heart . That openness is backed by stronger morality, integrity and honorability.

THE LEADER

Though I have layers to me, you only get to see that if you are in my circle. I'm the same as I am in person to most. I am quiet, observant and keep to myself, I love my own space but that doesn’t mean I won’t welcome people into it.

I love that I'm a quiet person, I think it allows me to see and hear what others might not. I'm someone a lot of my close friends and family lean on when they need advice or a different perspective. I don't feel the need to impress others, I think that allows me to focus on what's really important to me.

My purpose in life is to support my family in whatever way possible and to leave a message with my filmmaking that will last centuries.

I think what makes me impactful is that I'm not a gatekeeper, I welcome anyone who is willing to take the time and learn filmmaking.

I’ve received doubt from peers and self-doubt . The only way I've been able to stay strong through that adversity and more is through my faith. I can without a doubt say; that is the leading factor in why I'm still a filmmaker.

The trauma I dealt with as a kid taught me how to survive and how to sacrifice. It molded me by showing me who I didn't want to be, but who I could have easily been. Even as a kid my peers couldn't quite figure me out.

I need to forgive my younger self for being naive. Even at a young age I was able to tell when I needed to make a life changing decision, but there were a few I missed early in my career that could've changed my life for the better if I would've just listened and trusted my inner voice more.

I'd say to the younger DeVonte Brown; trust yourself and your inner voice. You have a deep intuition in most situations. This applies today because I have just now, at the age of 30, started to trust myself in my work and focus fully on my inner voice and what it says to me.

THE MENTOR

I’m a silent creative. A free thinking menace. Passionate, loyal and protective. My purpose is to build up those that are around me to reach their full potential.

I’m a present provider and an asset to assist those around me. I love hard and unconditionally but I don’t hold grudges.

Don’t go that way, and speak up it’s not your fault. It applies to today by not letting things slide no matter how big or small

THE DEFINING CHAPTER

Trauma has helped me become stronger and aggressive when necessary. It has shaped me to recognizes details and signs.

Name it… molestation, gang violence, abandonment/betrayal, trauma from war and loss of loved ones and friends. I keep to myself. Observing more than I speak and writing about it.

If I could give advice to my younger self I’d say don’t go that way, and speak up when it’s not your fault. It applies to today by not letting things slide no matter how big or small.