Look At Her Now

A friend of mine yesterday said: "Are you still writing? I love how you write, and I miss seeing you share your thoughts on things that many are not able to write about in a particular way like you." There has been a lot that has been going on with me academically and personally. Even before so much has happened, I felt like writing was pointless when it came to me being the writer sharing her thoughts. However, I was scrolling on Twitter a couple of weeks ago and came across this writing prompt:

"I want you to write an apology to someone. Make it genuine and the only rule is... you are not allowed to use the word 'if'. Go."

When I saw this, the first thing on my mind was... how hard can it be to not use the word "if"? Speaking of genuine, I had a tough time thinking of who I should be writing an apology for. Even if it was not going to be shared with anyone, I was struggling to think of anyone I needed to apologize to. Now, I realized that there is someone I should have apologized to many years ago and that is when I started to write...

Before you read further, I want to say thanks to all those who encourage me, read my work, and gave me not one but so many reasons to not give up on writing. Here it goes...

Dear young me,

There was so much you did not deserve to go through. I know that for the longest time ever, you thought that you honestly deserved it. Every time something happened, the more you did not care about what the future held in store for you. There are many people who have hurt you and each time they did, your heart only promised to never do what they did to you to anyone else. That was not what you thought you did. Your heart went through so much to the point that now, I am sorry that I was the one who broke it first. I let others use us and always saw the best in others no matter how many times the warning signs told me to stay away.

In the darkest hours of your life, people walked away from you because they did not think you were worth fighting for. That is why to this day, you are always fighting for the people you love, no matter how much it hurts to know that they would not do the same. I am sorry I failed you. There is so much I could have done better but what is done is done. The only thing that matters the most right now is that you are still here. We both are. You are so strong to have suffered so much growing up and still be able to spread love, kindness, and hope to those in your life today. When you think about it, there are times when you did not think you would be able to live to see another day and look at where you are now.

More than anything, I am sorry it took me this long to apologize to you. For constantly making you go to war with yourself. For making you feel like you could have done better every time someone hurt you. You were never the problem, and I am sorry for making you believe you were. With all that you faced; you still gave people your heart even during grim times. I am sorry I took you for granted, especially your heart. When you were just a little girl, there was nothing more exciting to you than the future. With everything that has happened between then and now, I am so sorry I did not do the things you always wanted to do. If anything, we turned out okay. There is so much that has happened to you but for some time now, I took notes in moments that would never happen if we did not exist. Here are some of them:

- there are little kids who ask how they can be like you

- strangers confide in you like someone who has been in their lives forever

- when someone has nothing, you do everything to make sure they have what they need no matter what

- you make others feel safe

- when someone feels like their world is falling apart, you would lay down with them and hold them tight just so they know that they are loved

- you make people realize their worth and remind them why they should not give up in times they feel like they should

- there are times when you have this way of showing others how beautiful they are without saying it

- no matter how much someone is hurting, you do not react and try your hardest to understand where they are coming from because you know what it is like to not have others understand your hurt

- whose words can unexpectedly make someone so grateful that they have someone like you who thinks of them in a way they never thought was possible

- you hold on to your loved ones the tightest you can during some of the most challenging times we never saw coming

- on New Year's Eve, you were the one who stayed up the whole night in hospice with papa. you did it because you wanted him to know that he would never be alone no matter how hard it was knowing that it was just a matter of time before heaven took him away

- you finally have a best friend who wants to grow old with you and will never let you go

- will try the best you can to forgive and love others no matter what

- when your friends are sick, you do whatever it takes to help them feel better

- the one who will get on a plane as soon as she could to be there for a friend when they need it the most

- you wrote a book for someone so that when they feel terrible, they could be reminded of how special they are

There is so much more that I have done with this heart of ours. I am sorry for making the little me believe that she was never worth it. From this day forward, I am going to do my best to make you proud. I am going to love the people in our lives in the best way we both know how because tomorrow isn't promised. I do not know what the future brings, but I will not give up. The heart I took for granted was one of the best things about us. It still is. Never again will I take that for granted.

With love always,

Ashley