Lonely with you!

Waking up constantly between the hours of 3am to 5am in the morning had been my everyday. Not happy at all about this but unlike most people instead of changing what is hurting me I just accept & deal with it. Which is why I am where I am now.

I got out of the best relationship of my life with a man that truly was IT, to be with a man that is JUST NOT IT. It’s sad they say you know if the relationship is gonna work right at the start. Honestly after several conversations with this new guy I KNEW it wouldn’t work and I knew that this is not a relationship i wanted. However I feel that I accepted it because I was lonely and I needed that closure from just getting out of a long relationship. Instead of getting the closure and giving myself time to worry about SELF I end up putting my self deeper in a worm whole. You see I paid attention to many things he said and even how he reacted with family and friends and I was turned off a lot with this new guy. Sad to say this guy made me realize that me and my ex broke up for such a dumb small reason.

I don’t know how but some how I was duped into being in a relationship with someone that I knew in a state of clear mind I would never date. I started to force my self to LOVE this man. At every chance he got he some how turned me off more and more. Then it got weirder when it came to sex. In the first 5 months to almost 1 YEAR of dating I did not climax more than 2times with this man. Mind you the climax’s were forced because he just was not doing much to me🍤. Not sure how I managed to hold on so long. Although I do know actually how. My vibrating friend that’s in my underwear drawer along with memories of my ex unfortunately is how.

I don’t know what they call it but I harbor my feelings even when I’m not happy and the way I handle them is really easy. By not handling them at all and waiting until the wheels fall off what ever situation is at hand. Now that’s just how I am with my personal life which I don’t understand why. because my work life I handle like a G!!!! I guess I have anxiety of the consequences of my actions and words with people in my personal life. I say this because this guy and myself tend to get in to random dumbs arguments about little things. He has a way of manipulating me to be on his side. I’m a grown ass woman I should not be easily manipulated like this. Honestly most of the time I know I’m right in these arguments but he gets so mad that it makes me feel guilty. So I end up backing down and shutting down or trying to beg him to be with me. Then 3 days later I regret doing all the begging to stay. I just be like “why didn’t I let him leave?”

Why do I end up regretting it ? because he always does or says something that makes me cringe. His words are harsh and firm and he speaks as if he has authority over every conversation. He also could not please or satisfy me as a woman. The worst part of all (may make you cringe) but almost a 3rd of all the men in USA want to be rappers guest who else wants to be in that pool. Of course I happen to end up dating one. The whole idea of dating a possible rap star or even a little bit of clout terrifies me. Even now when he goes to the studio my nerves are on edge. However I try to hide these low key jealousy traits of mine. Usually I am not Jealous of females around my boyfriend at work, play or anything. However when it comes to men in the rap industry “studio time” would make any girlfriend crazy. Now not only am I in fear of being cheated on it’s also his movements when he is around me.

I’m in fear of being used and manipulated as I sort of touched on earlier. I say this because I literally throw myself at him. In the span of 10 months I have been sexually active with this man less than 20 times. The worst part of all I started to feel really sad more and more as time progressed and then it got to the point where if I said something we would argue. Then he started giving me excuses for why he couldn’t fuck me like he wasn’t in the mood or his head is not stright or because he thinking about his kids. It’s like you have every excuse not to have sex with me but every rap song is about taking someone girl and having sex with her. Am I missing something?? Oh let me not forget he has 5 damn kids. So obvisouly you can have sex sir. Everytime this topic came up it made me so sad because as a woman when your man is not making love to you or touching you, you fear the worst. This man barley does anything with me but as soon as his friends call or he feel like making a song he runs out of the house. Oh yeah did I mention I moved him into my house? Smart right??? At the beginning we just was staying with eachother at his mothers house I thought maybe the lack of sex was because of people in and out but once he moved in my house it was even worst there was barley no sex and when I did get it, it was sudden and out of nowhere and worst of all quick. I started walking around naked and I even go to bed in this birthday suite. That’s didn’t do nothing for him. He won’t touch me or even slap my cheeks. He will look at me and then turn around and say “cuddle with me” 😒whattt?? As a woman laying next to naked I want you to cuddle with me. He then claims “men like to be cuddled too” I let this ideology go , but then I let it go on for to long.

Here we are almost a year in and it is miserable for me to admit this is really where I am. I have not been getting anything that I need or WANT. Sexually, emotionally or most of all I don’t feel loved. Everytime I want to speak about these issues it’s like he tries to take over and win the argument and say screw what your saying. One time he had a friend come over (mind you he didn’t ask me if she could come over) once she got there they started goin down memory lane together. Once they did she mentions a older lady he used to mess with. The older woman literally “took care of him in all ways” he then admits in front of me “I was just using that bitch”I laughed out of nervousness because for some weird reason I felt like I was being used too.

At one point I thought maybe he was gay and was hiding it most of his life. I say this because this man has had one to many gay interactions for me. However I am not saying he definitely is it’s just something that bounced in my mind from time to time to explain to myself why I was going through this sex drought. Literally every time he comes home there is something about a gay man on the train or in the street. It’s like I know you saw other people outside but the only thing on your mind to tell me about is the gay man? Also he tells me stories of his past even when he stayed with a gay man before and the interactions that happened in the home. One time he told me a story about his roommates gay friend and himself in the living room. I felt like he was leaving parts out but I feel he may have had a gay sexual encounter and does not want to admit it

I spoke to some of my male friends and other females about my situation. Crazy thing the men were the first to say “naw he don’t want you and he gay. get out now.He is not attracted to you.” The females were saying the same. I had a friend living with me at a point and she just was messy and overstayed her welcome. However I didn’t notice that she was messy or anything until he happen to be home a lot so he noticed things and reported to me. After a while I stared to say something and our frienship began to weaken to the point that she moved out. I started to Notice the that everything he complained about with her was actually some of the same shit he was not doing.

It got to a point of no return when I started crying way too much and literally cracked a smile like once a day with this man. I decided to have a conversation with him but everytime the opportunity presented itself I got cold feet and just didn’t want to argue. He is very combative and gets defensive and conversations can go from 1-100 out of no where with him. I hated it!! After hearing most of this story most people would say I’m harming myself and I feel that I am. However I’m worried about his reaction and feelings while ignoring mine and I’m angry about that too. I want to stand firm and be like “you know what get out this ain’t gonna work. “ We have had this argument 3x but it’s to the point I’m not happy and arguments just shut me down and he walks around like he won. I have tried many times to stay sane and not make it about the sex but it’s like so many perfect opportunities to do “couple things” and you don’t do nothing with them. As I write this I cry because I just want what I had 10 months ago before I ruined it by being irrational. Now here I am in a apt where I pay for everything and cry in the middle of the night to myself because I need help with my relationship.

I’m at the point I’m listening to muni long “time machine” and wishing it really was real so I can go back and fix what I had. One thing my ex said to me before we broke up was “some woman don’t realize a great man when they see it” I swear I had it & it was real and he loved me. You may be wondering what and why am I not with him or trying to get back with my ex. Well it’s a long story but at this point it’s been 10 months and I think he fell out of love with me. I tried to make it work with the new guy knowing it was not going anywhere while my ex was waiting for me to come back. Now I’m missing him more than ever and want to go back and when I tried he basically said “I’m good enjoy your life”My attempts are rejected and the love he had for me is next to nothing. It saddens me so much because I swear he was perfect for me. I fear I ruined love for myself and I’ll never see true happiness again.

As time passes I’ll become stronger to get out of this hellhole. I’m going to get the courage to say something to him and demand a change. In the end what really scares me is that I fear I will just settle for this man. This MAN!!!. This man that won’t touch me and treat me the way a woman should be treated. This man that worries about himself before others. This man that shows me fake love when he sees I’m upset. This man wants to be a rapper at his age and have everyone do things for him like his arms don’t work. This man that wants to just talk about BS instead of important matters. This man that will take my last dime for his own benefit. Yes this man is the one I’m with. Please keep in mind ladies you can not change a man. If a man makes you feel any of these ways and also has you feeling lonely when your with him than you do alone you need to move on.

I should take my own advice!