07/15/2023
I recently started a new job and I no longer know what to do with myself during my time off.
I was laid off from my last position in February, and to get by, I ended up starting freelance work in April. Regardless of having work, per se, I had no set schedule from February to July. That's a good chunk of months to be able to do whatever you want to do when you want to do it.
During that time, I binged on entertainment. I played long hours of all of my favorite video games. I watched multiple movies and entire television seasons in a day. I scrolled on my phone for hours at a time looking for something to fill the void.
I often had to question myself about what that void was. Had it always been there? Does it actually exist? For a while, I thought the void was just brought on by the depressing feelings and thoughts that came with being let go from a job I really enjoyed. Now that I have a steady job again, the void is still there.
I would say the void is familiar, but I also don't know how to pinpoint its inception. I have all of this free time after work, but I don't know what to do with it. Should I clean? Should I write? Should I watch a movie? Should I scroll on TikTok? Should I read? Should I go for a walk? What can I do to fill this hole in my chest?
It's an anxious feeling. It feels like I'm wasting time, but I don't know how to properly allocate it in the first place. Maybe there is a word or term for this void. If the term exists, I don't know it yet. And if the term does exist, will knowing its definition help me in any way, or will the void remain?
I feel stuck with my thoughts, and they seem to rattle off a hundred miles a minute. I'd like to know what it's like to get peace and quiet, and sometimes, I envy those with no internal monologue. Must be quite serene.
These thoughts aren't necessarily bad by the way. They're related to anxiety but I don't feel hopeless, or sad, or angry. I just feel kind of confused. It's like a complex equation that I can't seem to solve. No matter how many times I try to do the math, it never seems to add up.
To clarify, I feel better now than I have in a while. Being unemployed/underemployed was much worse for my mental health by a long shot. I have a security blanket now, and there are no fears of falling behind financially. I have something to look forward to during the week, and I get to learn new things on the job every day. These aspects are fulfilling to me on many levels. I know having a schedule to work around is good for me.
It's just this nagging feeling, tugging at the back of my brain, telling me I'm not doing enough in my time off. It's like I'm missing something crucial with no way to identify it. Maybe it's one of those things that I'll know when I see it. Or perhaps it's purely a figment of my imagination and the way I allocate my time doesn't dictate my value. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe I'm not putting enough. I wish these things weren't so subjective.
I love the humanities. I love reading, analysis, and critical thinking. But I also like science and math. I appreciate the way that they compile research and testing to find out solid answers based on reality. It's hard to base subjectivity on reality, so there will never be anyway to find a true answer to my feelings and design a way to fix them. That poses further questions... Does there even need to be an answer? Do they even need to be fixed?
The answers could be simultaneously infinite and nonexistent at the same time.
Is my mind nothing more than a liminal space of my own design?
About the Creator
Ashley Lima
I think about writing more than I write, but call myself a writer as opposed to a thinker.
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Comments (5)
Relatable. I left my old job at walmart due to increases in suicidal ideation. In April I started school and a job. However the 7 months of indulging on entertainment then shifting to work and school still left me with a void. I wrote about my experience with walmart in a post.
relatable. I work freelance and used to love it when I was off so I could drink myself silly. Now sometimes its like ahhhhh, now what. Then I started making art again and writing a lot more. The void still exists but I have less of a need to fill it with bullshit. I think we're so accustomed to working ourselves to death here when we've free moments/days we dont always know what to do. Resting is nice. Pretty essential too. Thank you for sharing this. I hope I haven't endlessly gone on about myself.
I think the void exists with or without work - at least in my experience. How hard can they make you work that one forgets about the void ? Hmmm. I don’t know and this comment is not very helpful, yet I am a glad to hear you have found something else (another job). ☺️ All I know is (as cliche as it sounds) but I’d be lost without vocal. It makes me feel more connected and alive even though things may not be perfect. Good vibes sent your way Ashley!
I usually scroll on my phone after work. I would be so exhausted to actually do something beneficial, lol. Hope you find a solution to what you can do. Sorry for my lousy suggestion 😅
This is definitely a space of feeling a living Catch-22. Feeling either worked too much or not enough; too much time or not enough time; free to choose or choice taken away. This is what it means to be human: to constantly work towards finding what brings meaning and purpose to our life.