Like Two Magnets

When the opposite pole of two magnets comes together, they attract each other because the line of force points in the same direction. When the like pole of two magnets comes close, they repel each other because the direction of the line of force is opposite.

Such is my story. There were never two more polar opposite individuals, so much so that I was constantly quizzed about why we were together. When I explained that we were in love, everyone's response usually contained some version of "Well, they say that opposites attract." It was said with a hint of sarcasm, which I would do my best to ignore. I would leave them with a big smile and the words I had meant for a while, "They sure do."

When I say for a while, we are talking seven years. Seven years of opposites! Yes, opposites—until I lost myself in conforming to what I thought his version of me looked like.

Let's look at how opposite two people can be and stay together. But only if one of them sells their very soul.

Politics:

Me: Liberal and wouldn't vote for a certain President if there was a gun to my head

He: Conservative and on that train from the beginning.

The day after this person was sworn in as President, I was headed to DC on a bus leaving at 5 am with a group of like-minded ladies. The last thing I wanted to do was tell him. I came clean when he complained enough about why I was headed to DC on this particular day. He chastised me loudly, then got up and made me breakfast and a snack for my trip. When I returned that evening, he said again how silly my efforts had been, and we never spoke of it again.

Cuisine (Food—he would say I was uppity using the word Cuisine):

Me: Fine dining makes me very happy. I treat myself any time I am on a business trip. Why, only then, you may ask.

He: Hamburgers (well done—basically a hockey puck between two pieces of bread) and Pizza with all meat toppings- never just cheese and or vegetables. Maybe hot dogs and chili on a good day.

At the beginning of our relationship, I would drag him, kicking and screaming, to my favorite restaurants. Which he deemed "head up your ass" restaurants. I do mean kicking and screaming. He would not eat and would complain about the beer choices (Miller Lite or nothing), and I would feel terrible. So, only a few months into our relationship, I started searching for the area's best burger joints and pizza parlors. When I succeeded, I was thrilled to see him so happy. I never asked myself why the reverse never happened. Love is blind and has no taste, I presume.

Conversation (Communication)

Me: I love deep conversations over cocktails or dinner, and if there is an issue in the relationship, I want to talk about it.

He: Does not like talking or listening. In fact, my ringtone when he called was Keith Whitley's "When You Say Nothing at All."

I love to talk, and for me, nothing is off-limits, from politics (I am an educated voter) to religion. There is nothing like a heated discussion on whether or not God exists and the inconsistencies in the Bible. (I know my Religions from Scientology to Christianity--bring it on). I do not mind being disagreed with; it only makes the conversation livelier. He is a former Catholic who is proud of it but does not want to discuss it or anything else for that matter.

His philosophy on discussing relationship issues is, "If you are not happy, keep it to yourself; that way, the relationship will continue to work. If we start talking about it, then it is over." He was so right.

Entertainment

Me: Going to the Theater and Movies. Musicals and Opera are my first loves. Please give me a Broadway show and Puccini. Regarding movies, I could spend an evening watching Monty Python, the Cohen Brothers, period pieces, and any film with a plot twist.

He: Plot twists are too confusing, silly comedies, and the first hint of a song, and we called it a night.

Heaven knows I tried introducing some of my entertainment loves into our relationship. I finally gave up and started watching old Westerns, James Bond, and action movies at home, but only on regular TV. Netflix, Prime, Apple TV, etc., are plots to get you to spend money on what you can find on regular cable. Commercials are just a small price to pay. It wasn’t the money. The man is a millionaire. It was the technology.

Live and Let Live

Me: I am chair of my company's DEB (Diversity, Equity, and Belonging) Committee. I am against Bias in any form, although I know I am guilty of unconscious bias from time to time, but I do try hard to be accepting of all people.

He: I know it was the way he was raised, and I felt that being around me, he would start to open up and be more accepting of people from different cultures or lifestyles, but the more I tried, the worse it became.

Initially, he was kind and loving, and I never experienced him espousing hateful rhetoric toward anyone he considered different. I mean white, male, and heterosexual. He knew how I felt about that language; in the beginning, I never saw that side of him. Toward the end, it was as if he tried to shock me with derogatory words describing certain “groups” of people, from making me leave a restaurant when two men at the bar held hands to not allowing me to invite my office to an annual party due to the fact that some of “those” people may attend.

His language became so offensive that I will not mention the racist rhetoric here. Why he started trying to shock me, I am still not sure. But this was the last straw for me. For me, there could be no conforming to his views on this topic.

The above are only a few of the ways in which we were opposite. There was the subject of travel, families, holidays of any kind, and the fact that Alaska and Hawaii were actually states even though they were not connected by land to North America. This list could go on for days.

You are not alone if you judge me for pretending to change to please a man. I have done enough of that myself. I took the free-spirited, strong-willed woman he fell in love with and turned her into someone he nor I barely recognized.

In the beginning, just like the magnets, opposites did attract. However, in the end, I had pretended to become so much like him that, just like the magnets, we had turned where the like poles faced each other and began to repel. He began to throw so much at me, knowing the point where I would not and could not conform.

So, how did it end? I bought a house, and when I moved out, we told friends we were still together but just wanted our own space occasionally. Then, ever so gradually, we drifted apart. There was no official breakup, as that would require talking. We simply were no more.

I know I am a much stronger person now. However, writing this piece was painful and oddly cathartic. I had to look inward to attempt to sort out why I was so willing to lose myself to please another person, only to lose that person by losing myself. He pushed me away by the only actions he knew I could not accept. I still do not understand, and there can be no closure as there can be no talking.

Like two magnets, when you try and force the like poles to come together, there can be no attraction; the force of nature will not allow it.