Late night thoughts

As I sit here laying in bed in the early hours of the morning I cant help but wonder... why is fate so cruel to make us fall in love with somebody we will never have.

Whether its bad timing, another relationship, family, or distance it really doesn't matter the reason. When you feel a connection to somebody you just do. You miss them when they're not around. You wonder if they're thinking of you the way you're thinking of them. You spend countless days and hours and sleepless nights wondering what your life would be like if things were different. But sadly they aren't different.

No matter the reason, they are happy with their lives... they were able to move on and be happy and have a family and you are sitting here wondering if any of it was real. Was it all in your head? Did the looks and touches mean anything? Would things have been different in a different life?

I don't know why I'm still sad and why I cant move on. Maybe its because I feel like I've lost such a spark of life. I just feel like sitting down and crying and running. As time passes I wonder more and more if any of it was real. If it was just the delusions of a young girl pining for an older man.

I would like to think that at least some of it was real. That some of it mattered. Because the fact of the matter is that even if it was one sided and in my head, it doesn't mean that my feelings were any less real.

I know I shouldn't still think about you. I know I shouldn't. I have no right to. But I feel like now I just have the idea of you I had created in my head. The idea of how I wanted us to be together and how I wanted our life to be.

I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of thinking about what our future would have looked like. Because the sad thing is that you were never mine. You were and are hers. I don't fault you for that, I just wish I didn't have the ache in my chest anymore.

It's been years and I keep telling myself it will get better. That I will heal and move on. But I feel so broken. Not because of you or what I pictured you to be but because I feel very unloved and very unworthy of love. I try to please everybody and I try to be a good daughter, sister, friend. I don't know if I'm doing a good job but I'm doing the best I can. I just don't know if that's enough. Will anybody ever love me? I hate that I feel like a "pick me" girl right now because no; I've survived plenty long without anybody. I just really would enjoy some affection, intimacy, and confidence knowing that when I look at somebody I KNOW that they are mine and they are proud to call me theirs.

Now its the early hours of the morning and as I still cannot sleep, I am going to honestly just let myself sit and cry for a little bit. Because I am allowed to feel something and I am allowed to feel very alone.

I just hope tomorrow will be a better day, because I have to believe that there is a person out there who will help fill that void I feel in my chest. Who will love me for me and who will accept all the pain that comes with my past. Because there is a lot of it. I just hope they come soon because I am freaking tired of this shit.