Last Week I Was Thrown Into A Tizzy

The visit with my primary physician was a week ago Monday. Because I had altitude sickness at the end of August, she ordered a follow-up x-ray. Then when listening to my lungs, she commented that something didn’t sound right.

On Wednesday, I was driving and got a call from the pharmacy that I had a prescription for an antibiotic ready for pickup. When I asked what it was for, they did not know. As soon as I got off the phone with the pharmacy, I checked my chart on my phone.

There was a note from my doctor saying that I had pneumonia. And that a prescription was ordered.

Immediately I called oncology and left a message asking that my oncologist check my chart and let me know if there was anything else I should do. I reminded him that the first time I was diagnosed with cancer, it was only after being diagnosed with bronchitis first and then pneumonia twice.

The next call I made was to my daughter, and by this point, I should not have been driving. My daughter is an RN (registered nurse). She told me that she would stop by that night. I cried on the phone with her, and she reassured me that it could be lots of things and doesn’t mean cancer.

She stopped by with her youngest in the evening and she was very supportive, and I relaxed a bit. I cried more. We hugged and she went home.

When I calmed down, I realized I had my phone looked at and the technician took away many of my notices and it must have included the my chart notice. I was getting upset with my doctor for not calling me and having to hear it from the pharmacy.

Then I realized she had no way of knowing that I would be thrown into a tizzy over this happening. She was not my doctor when I had cancer or while I was recovering from cancer. Cancer treatment was in 2013. It is ten years later. She explained away everything on my list when I saw her.

She even explained away the experience I had the week before with what I imagined to be a night sweat. I watched my sister experience night sweats. She soaked her pajamas and had to change clothes in the middle of the night when I was staying with her in the hospital.

My head was completely soaked. My hair was wet. I have only ever had neck sweats. She explained that away by saying it can happen with the weather change. Nice and hot one day and freezing cold the next. That explained our weather and I was hopeful it explained what happened.

The guy in the picture looks like my husband to me, except he is younger than my husband. My husband would say that he (my husband) has bigger arms. He lifts weights 6 days a week. My husband though tough, has difficulty when I am sick. Any kind of sick. He doesn’t want to know.

He always wants to believe the best. He was my rock going through cancer before and he will be my rock if that ever has to happen again. It can be a roller coaster ride. I was diagnosed with a cancer that is treatable, probably not curable.

Because my cousin recently died from the same cancer, that makes the tizzy even worse. They were treating her for lupus, and she died from non-Hodgkins’ lymphoma.

Today, I am choosing to remember what the cancer psychologist told me:

1. What you resist persists

2. Eat an elephant one bite at a time

I interpret this to be not resisting going through the process. Doing everything I can. Keeping a positive attitude. Prayer of gratitude daily. Thoughts of what I can do for others.

Living in the now. Keeping my focus on living. Attending the support group lunch, I have today. Attending my art class tonight. Writing about things other than cancer.

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First published by Mercury Press on medium.com