Journal 1 The inner child

I had to accept a truth as I sat silently with myself. It was never my love that was fragile. It was I who couldn't bare the intensity of my love. I tried to give it away but in the end the realization is I couldn't truly love another until I stopped drowning in my hatred. Which I understand was an idea of a defense mechanism.

I was surrounded by a world that only functioned as a violent storm. I never knew when the lightning would come. It never really phased me. I knew I was the weirdo at school, but I just guessed it was do to my cheaper clothes or the aroma stained on my skin from the poor choices of generations before me. If I am honest I was allowed to be naive for longer than most. The inner child didn't abandon me back then. It was I who abandoned the inner child. I remember when I turned my back and ran as far as I could. In ways that may seem strange to you I wanted to meet death. I wanted a few answers. I searched. I explored wars, and destruction. I traveled mind shifts and rabbit holes. I witnessed eyes as hollow as dead space. I witnessed bodies animated but soulless. I found the depths of loneliness that forced despair upon me. After all of that I still was blind. I still could not hear the frequencies of truth. I was lost in the fever dream mindlessly aching in self-inflicted misery.

I explain it in my head as I awoke from a dream and the collateral damage is what remains to be sorted out. I no longer take things personally because I left me too. Even in fear I knew I must return to the now damned place we once called home. I know that inner child was buried there. I quickly drowned inside that place as the weight of collapsing energies pulled at me like a black hole. The fear was intensified by my broken faith and shattered self trust. I acted as my original paradigm did and tried to vanish. I tried to leave. I knew in my bones there was no going back ever. In a way that house burning was my hope of dissolving myself.

As I felt the heat of a house engulfed in flames at my back I could hear the inner child screaming inside the house. I could feel it in my soul. An image of my grandmother flashed in my mind and spoke to the broken man I had become. She reminded me I swore I would be the protector. She reminded me that the callouses and the scars were designed by lessons in which I could reach fate. I believed that we were destined for this moment as an absolute truth. I felt shame briefly but knew none of that mattered now.

I walked into the house on fire and immediately felt the flames whip at me. It felt like a punishment. It instigated memories of all that I survived for a brother who upheld the same promise within our sacred pact. I remembered the terror I endured and how I truly lost my mind in those mental wars. He was the napalm that fought those nightmares. I return to the flames beckoning my final moment. I hear one last time the voice of my grandmother saying, "You must save the child for as within so without." In this moment I let what I practiced for over a decade surface. I flipped the switch and let all my focus aim at pulling the inner child from the hell I created. Even if it meant I would die.

It's simple really. You remember all the ways you let those you loved down. You replay the memories of self-defeat, and listen to the soundtrack of all the ways you felt sorrow and wronged by the damned. You think of the ones lost to soon when the others who don't even try or care remain alive. You think of every lie they allowed you to believe even at the expense of your life. That feeling that emerges that feels like ripping apart a room, or ending time is the key to a door. You walk through the door and leave behind scorched bridges.

The thick smoke flooded my lungs and suffocated the air. The clawing returned violently inside my skull. As my eyes became black I pulled the knife out of my back. A blood ritual that does not obey time or space. It isn't good or evil. It is the sacrifice of what once was and what now will be. I entered the room where the illusions decieved me. Disoriented and betrayed by the past I now must endure this crucible of chaos and fury. I let go for a moment the lie that I ever could control anything. I let go of the lie that I wasn't ever a hero or a protector. I let go of the shame my father bestowed upon me with the over criticizing and the unsatisfied conditional love. I let go that it was I who constructed all of what was listed before.

I use to return to memories where an angel kept me alive. Begged me to survive. I use to see signs in the color of red. Guiding me through the labyrinth. I would here it say, "Sam you have to get up." or Sam you're not finished get back up." As everything slowed to a complete absence of movement, I realized it was the inner child leading me back. I had lost hope. I had given up, but that origin would never let go of the faith of our soul. That wicked smile I created that feared nothing dragged us out of that house. When two become one again there is an energy undeniable. I didn't need to breath; I didn't need in any way. I was one and I was infinite. I saw clearly now the purpose of the flesh is to lead us to the door of endless possibility. Nothing ever really dies for it is all continuous energy.

I love you.