Jilted

I’m not typically the type of person that has regrets in life, or made mistakes that stayed mistakes. Every little thing we do in life has an outcome that can either make us, break us, or bring about a change in us that can set or change the path of our futures forever.

I’ve made my fair share of bad choices in my time on this earth, and I’ve learned a lesson or two (sometimes extremely hard ones at that) from each and every single bad choice, stupid decision, and dumb or silly thing I’ve done. The regret factor never set in though because if I hadn’t made that stupid decision, made that bad choice, or done that silly and dumb thing, I wouldn’t have ended up where I am today in life.

I have a (somewhat) beautiful home, 4 wonderful (yet annoying) children, and the best job (seriously not an exaggeration here) I’ve ever had in my life. But though my life has been good these last couple years, I haven’t been happy.

I’ve been feeling restless and anxious and stressed and depressed and very unsettled and stagnant or complacent, but not the good kind of complacent. Unfortunately it is because of all this stuff I have been feeling that I ended up doing something that was probably the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever done which makes me regret every bit of what happened. I fell in love.

I’ve never really been in love and I never thought I’d fall in love with a not so good character. In all honesty he’s not a bad character he’s just not acting the same as he used to. I met him a few years ago when I needed some tires and he was the guy who picked ‘em out and put ‘em on for me. I gave him my number and I got his, cause I had other work I wanted him to check out on other vehicles. Well every once in a while I’d run into him at my store, where I worked, and we’d share big smiles and a big and wonderful feeling hug, and talk for a minute, me kinda flirting a little, him kind of laughing my flirtatiousness off, then share another big wonderful hug promising to text or call, knowing neither one of us will. And it was like this for 3 years.

Occasionally I’d text him when my car was literally messed up and wouldn’t start and he’d check it out for me. The flirtatiousness started to be reciprocated, the hugs were lasting longer, the smiles more frequent, and I began to actually like this guy. Yea he was a freaking Greek God, my Adonis, my eye candy, but never more than that before. Now all of a sudden I’m seeing him as more than just a hot mechanic coming to work on my car sometimes, he was a man, with gorgeous looks, an amazing g personality, who had goals and plans for his future and his career and his life. He was a real person with real feelings and he was starting to open up a little at a time each time I would see him. Then one day, he disappeared. I didn’t see him anymore. He stopped returning my texts or answering my calls. Of course I was worried about him but I figured I’d run into him again one day. And I did.

About a year later, around the third year I’d know the man, I ran into him again. I was leaving the store, no longer worked there though, and he was coming into it. It’s COVID time now, and he’s wearing a mask and I immediately recognized him just from his eyes. I called his name, he looked back, he was genuinely shocked and happy to see me when he recognized the voice calling his name was mine. He rushed up to me, wrapped his arms around my waist and picked me up to spin me around while he hugged me. I asked him excitedly where the hell he had been for pretty much a year and he had one heck of a story to tell.

In just a few minutes he had told me of how his shop had gone under because the landlord went up on the lease out of nowhere and he had been doing side jobs just to support his family and couldn’t afford car insurance so his license got suspended and he got locked up for driving under suspension cause he couldn’t pay the fine. After a few minutes of talking, I told him to text me if he ever needed someone to just talk to. Told him I’d be there for him as a friend and lend an ear or shoulder if he needed to get things off his chest. He had the same number, it popped up when he called my number. He gave me another amazingly wonderful hug that made feel valuable to him, and we went our separate ways again. I figured he’d never call or text and I’d never hear from him again unless I bump into him again. I figured wrong!!

The next day he called and we called or texted almost everyday for a week. I offered him some work on my car and my truck and he agreed to come check it out and he actually showed up. We were hanging out every night when he showed up and talking and working on the truck. He opened up about his marriage falling apart and apologized for ghosting me but he had to cause he was married and it was wrong the way he was entertaining the attachment he was getting towards me. I understood and explained it was water under the bridge and all that matters is his happiness in life. When I tell you the next 3 minutes we’re the most amazing 3 minutes I’ve had in my entire life with a man, I’m not exaggerating.

As I said the words “All that matters is your happiness” this Greek God Adonis of a man, put his right hand, thumb on my jawline by my chin and fingers splayed over my cheek spaced out down to my other jawline, and stared me dead in my eyes as he pulled my face to his and gave me a kiss that was unlike any I’ve ever had in my life!! From his lips wrapped around mine to his tongue entering my mouth, I felt him, his lust, his urgency, his emotions, his heart, his soul. I felt every bit of him and felt him searching for something he was unsure about finding. He kissed me until I couldn’t breathe anymore, never letting go of my face, never losing his eye contact, never NOT searching for something we both were looking for, in each other, both obviously willing to provide that need for the other. My brain shut off the second his mouth touched mine and when he let go, all the thoughts that were blocked by his presence were now flooding in.

“Wow!! Why?? Oh my GAWD!! What the heck was that for? On my life that’s the best kiss I’ve ever had!!! Why why why did he just do that!!!” These were all thoughts in my head that I apparently had been saying out loud to him without knowing that I was speaking aloud. He gently tilted my face up to meet his gaze and said “I’ve been wanting to do that for 2 years, and now I have no reason NOT to anymore.” Right then and there I fell in love. I couldn’t stop it from happening I didn’t want it to happen and I sure as heck wasn’t trying to let it happen. He kissed me again at that point and there was nothing else at all in the world that I wanted more than to feel every bit of him against every bit of me, and so I did, we did, everything we could to get as close to each other as possible.

For the next 3 hours we did exactly that. We shared ourselves completely, and utterly exhausted ourselves with each other, healing our pain and hurt hearts, and relieving our stress, and breaking free of all of the things that had been holding us back, all of our walls and barriers vanishing.

It was the most amazing morning of my life. We exchanged verbal emotions for each other, we kissed repeatedly, we joined each other in physical emotions and laughed and connected unlike any other connection I’ve ever had. It was magical and passionate and loving and kind, and frenzied and frantic and patient and giving, and equal. I’ve never felt what I felt with him with anyone else in my life (and never want to again) and I never wanted it to end. But it did.

After the first 2 hours we, finally finished (for the first time). After about half an hour of talking and laughing and cuddling we were at it again and somehow finished a second time!! I was relentless and didn’t want him to go, so while he was getting dressed, I got him going again and about 10 minutes later, he finished a third time. He laughed and jokingly (but seriously) stated to me, that I was dangerous and I was fire, and he needed to go, so I laughed and pouted and finally succumbed to his departure.

We saw each other every night for a week and made love at least twice a day each day that week. One night he said he was gonna sleep in his car in my backyard cause his wife kicked him out, and I said it was fine. But when I woke up he was gone, and he had ghosted me. A week later he finally messaged me that he was in love with someone else and to leave it alone. Oh the heartbreak that I felt was not comparable in any way, shape, or form, to any other pain I had ever felt in my entire life (amd I’ve been hurt by EVERYONE in my life). Feeling used, and taken advantage of, and lied to, and taken for a fool, I silently cried. I didn’t even respond until later that day. I wasn’t even going to respond but I just couldn’t go without saying something.

I had grown addicted to texting him all day every day. I was angry, and hurt, and being sarcastic, and thought I was just going to let him have it...but I didn’t. Instead I decided I’d support his choice and offer to still be there for him if he ever needed anything ever. I then wished him all the happiness in the world that he could get, because of all the people in the world that I KNOW, he deserves to be happiest. I then reassured him that no matter what, I would always love him. Even if I can’t have him.

A few days ago, I texted him and told him that I’m ok, just a bit sad, but ok. Over the last week I’ve sent him screenshots of my Pandora songs that were playing that made me think of him, reassured him that I still want him as a friend if not anything else because we were great friends before we were lovers and continued to tell him that I love him. Obviously he has yet to respond to ANY message or call, and I know that he will not ever respond, but until he feels he can face me, and explain what happened and why he led me on, and hurt me so badly, I’m gonna be the nicest, and most caring, and forgiving person that I can bring myself to be. Hopefully, one day he’ll respond with some answers.

So after all of this, I end with just a little admission of the first thing in my life that I truly regret. I regret falling in love with the man of my dreams because it turned into a heartbreaking and painfully agonizing nightmare. I’m obsessed with finding him, obsessed with constantly messaging and calling him. I swore to myself years, and years ago, that if a man had that kind of a hold on my heart, that if I could ever behave that way after it ended, that I’d rather be put out of my misery than endure the pain and suffering of that kind of a broken heart. I know there is a lesson here, and that in time I’ll heal and eventually feel that this was not a regret or a mistake, but right now it’s the very first thing I’ve ever regretted and I hope I never go through this again. I’ll kill a man who puts my daughter through this kind of pain.