Is It Okay Not To Be Okay?

I have been fighting an uphill battle to get control of my emotions. It’s been decades, and every time I think I have made progress, something happens, putting me back into the thick of it.

In 2016, I decided to divorce my ex-husband after years of emotional and physical abuse. He was addicted to everything — pills, weed, and probably stuff I didn’t even know. He was an emotional vampire and fed off my emotions. I worked and supported our family, with him rarely having a job.

The same year, Yahoo News! restructured the company, laying off hundreds of writers. I was one of those layoffs, sending my family into a financial crisis. I frantically looked for a job. I finally found a job teaching tax professionals the software at H&R Block.

It was the glimmer of hope I needed. I enjoyed my co-workers and made decent money. My ex used my job as “proof” I wasn’t a good mother. He claimed I was “too busy” to care for three young children. The judge actually told me to quit my job and be a mother instead of working. I never understood how they expected me to support the kids without a job.

Losing My Kids Was A Gut Punch

The judge decided the kids would be better off with my toxic ex than with me. I got visitation, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted to fight it, but I was drained financially. It’s an expensive venture to fight for custody.

My ex and his new wife started harassing me. She would cyber-stalk me. He would spend hours texting and attacking me over everything.

He would say:

“I am an awful person.”

“No one will ever love me because I’m trash.”

“I’m a cunt, bitch and whore.”

“I’m a gold digger (this one has me puzzled still).”

“I’m a narcissist.”

“I’m fat, ugly, or have a big head.”

I don’t need to go on; I am sure you understand. My ex continued to try to keep his new wife happy by attacking me. He felt like it was them against me. It got so toxic I had to get a restraining order on her. She was completely unhinged.

My Ex’s Arrest

In December 2022, his marriage fell apart. The police responded to a call for help, and he was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. He lost custody of the kids immediately.

But that didn’t mean they went to me, either. I had to work on the CPS case and prove I was a safe parent. I did. In two months, they were spending weekends with me. And within four months, they came home to live with me without visitation with their dad.

At first, he got one weekly visit with the kids. He couldn’t follow simple rules, so the judge revoked his visitation. On one of the visits, he asked the kids where the case manager lived. On another, he wanted to know how much money I made and for them to ask me to give him money. The last straw for the court was when he fell asleep on the bench at the park. His visitation was only for one hour.

Not long after he lost visitation, he became homeless for the fourth time in four years. His mental health was declining, and I refused to let him see the kids out of fear of what he could do. Finally, I agreed to let him see the kids, but only if they wanted to. All three kids told me and the judge they did not want to see their dad.

Ex Wanted To Sponge Off Me Again

That should be the end of it. But it wasn’t. He started messaging me on social media, asking me to crash on my couch. He promised to get a job quickly and not exploit my kindness. I told him no. I am married and pretty sure my husband wouldn’t like that.

He still asks me for money regularly. I refuse to give him a dime. He can work; he chooses not to. I do not have to support him. In fact, I refuse to support this manchild.

It was about this time that Newsbreak, my primary source of income, hit a decline. I was struggling to make more than $1500 monthly. I was making $5K monthly, so it was a struggle to survive on that. I didn’t want my husband to support my children as they were not his biological kids.

I tried so many things to increase my views. Nothing has worked. It has put me in a funk. I paid someone to rework my resume and hope to find a better-paying gig soon.

Losing My Medium Account Added To My Anger

Medium is a source of some of my anger. I deleted my profile two years ago. I was making pretty good money, but my ex and his wife harassed me over it. I would have to hear about everything I wrote. They threatened to sue me over talking about my feelings, even though I never named them.

I had over 5K followers. I had 22 referred members. I was on my way to making $2K a month. I posted 100 stories per month. But it all disappeared when I deleted the profile to escape bullying.

The kicker is it didn’t stop the harassment. They created a fake Facebook profile in my name and started posting vile things, pretending to be me. Facebook refused to help, stating that it didn’t violate their TOS.

While it’s been a pretty good year to get my kids back, I am still reeling from all the drama with their dad. He believes I am responsible for him and should let him see the kids whenever he wants. Obviously, that is not the case, but it is stressful.

I am struggling to commit to anything. I started school and dropped out. I try writing on Newsbreak or here and stop after a few days. I am not interested in anything. I realize this is all related to the trauma of dealing with my toxic ex. Still, it’s not helping my financial situation at all.

Is It Okay Not To Be Okay?

I have sat with my anger towards my ex for so long it feels normal. He has done so many awful things to me and tried to keep me from my kids. He tried to poison CPS against me, but they saw through it. How do you let go of it? How do you stop caring?

I’m sure in time, I will be okay. But right now, I am angry. I am trying to let go, but it isn’t easy. I get angry with myself because I cannot let go.

It spills over to other areas of my life. I notice I will stop doing my hair and makeup during bad mental health days. I always take good care of my kids and husband, but I am not kind to myself.

I am still holding on to 40 extra pounds, and I am not even sure how to shed it. I tried Ozempic but couldn’t afford the $ 900$ monthly price, so I stopped. My doctor put me on Saxenda, which had a 10$ copay, but it destroyed my stomach.

I was miserable. So I quit that. I try counting calories and macros, but my motivation to exercise is not there. I wished I could just be okay with being fat, but I’m not.

It’s times like this I wish my grandma, who raised me, was alive. She passed away in 2011. She was my rock and always had the best advice. I miss her more than I could ever put into words. She was my whole world; the world is dark without her bright light.

Is it okay not to be okay even though my life is pretty good overall? I have a great marriage and wonderful children, and I am healthy. But I have no career anymore, which has always been so important.

Hopefully, my anger will decrease one day, and I can return to feeling carefree and happy. Until then, I will take it one day at a time. If that’s too hard, I will take it minute by minute.

Please share your thoughts with me in the comments section below. Remember to follow me to read more of my content.

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Originally published on Medium.