Inner Peace

It hurt like absolute hell.

My heart was shattered. My heart was on fire. My soul hurt.

I thought it was my fault.

My mind repeatedly replayed every detail and every interaction… trying to find some clue, some red flag, that it missed.

I thought I did something wrong.

I thought I was bad.

I couldn’t believe in myself anymore.

I couldn’t trust my own instincts.

I couldn’t put faith in my intuition.

I questioned my self-worth.

I questioned everything about myself.

I questioned everything about him.

I questioned everything about you.

You did it on purpose. You did it because you could. You did it for your own personal gain. You did it because you were bored. You did it because you weren’t getting everything you wanted from his brother. You disrupted their relationship. You used him. You knew he was hurting. His weaknesses became your weapon. The heart he wears on his sleeve was your toy. You manipulated him; but manipulation will only get you so far. Eventually, everyone shows their true colors, and ALL your red flags are waving in the wind.

You never had what we have, and you never could. You saw the glimmer in his eye and the spring in his step. He told you how much he loved me, how much he cared. You wanted it for yourself. You wanted someone to light up like that for you, so you tried to take mine.

You think you stole him; but you didn’t. I’ve acknowledged how much it hurt. I’ve acknowledged my heart break. However, it is important that you know, in no uncertain terms; You borrowed him while I fixed me. When I was ready, he came running.

Did I mention that he asked me to marry him?! He got down on one knee, sparkly blue eyes gazing into mine, and asked me to be his forever. We’re so in love. We’re so blissfully happy. We are meant to be. Serendipity. Kismet. Soul mates. Best friends. Partners. You can’t destroy true love.

I say all of this because… I hate you. I have a hatred inside me, for you, that no longer serves me. It is a raging fire of anger that needs to stop being fueled. He has forgotten your existence. Now it is time that I do the same. This hatred only causes me angst where there is none to be had. We have created the perfect life together, him and I. The only thing missing from my real-life fairy tale, is true inner peace. I forgave him a long time ago. So, it’s time I forgive you. I forgive your selfish actions. I forgive your manipulations. I forgive you for making decisions that only caused torment for everyone involved. I forgive you for being a terrible person. I forgive you for the way you treated him and everyone else. You haven’t asked for it. You haven’t earned it. You don’t deserve it, but I genuinely forgive you.

And more importantly than that….

I forgive me. I forgive me for questioning myself. I forgive me for believing, even for a second, that you were better than me. I forgive me for obsessing. I forgive me for losing faith and trust. I forgive me for ever being a person that I am not. I forgive me for letting what others think of me, affect my decisions. I forgive me for all the missteps, all the swearing, cussing, crying and mental break downs. I forgive me for holding onto this grudge for so long. I forgive me for the tiny part that believed you were still an issue in our lives. I forgive me for disrupting my inner peace. I forgive myself.