In All Honesty I'm Fat and Unhappy

You know the saying, "well at least I'm fat and happy?" In all honesty I'm fat and unhappy - because I have been stuck in a repetitive cycle of anxiety and depression - which feeds my obesity. It's okay to be happy and fat, but once it brings on the issue where pain is a daily thing, mentally and physically, there is nothing to feel happy about. I am for one - going to be open and honest about what myself as an obese individual feels about spreading a message of what is called "body positivity." (specifically for individuals like myself).

Yes I'm going there - because food is good for us, but I have been dealing with the issue of thinking food is the only thing that will make me happy. Food does help improve mood, but only if it's healthy, and the right portion. The knowledge I have to eat healthily is there, but putting the pizza down is still a struggle. I've been asked, "if you know how to eat right why don't you just do it?" well, it sounds easy because it is common sense -I've been informed that the definition of insanity, is doing something over and over again the same way even though you know the results won't change. The problem with having a mental illness is, sometimes we cope in the wrong way over and over again, even though we know it won't change the situation.

I know there are people out there who actually have control over their diet - but due to their health conditions they just cannot lose the weight. I understand why they should try to accept themselves, and that is okay. My issue is I have no actual physical health issue that makes it hard for me to lose weight - I have a mental health issue that makes me scarf. It is hard, because when any emotion comes over me, I feel like feeding it with highly toxic foods - artificially manufactured death bombs - in the moment my dopamine receptors are lighting up, but like and addict, I feel emotionally broken again once the feeling is gone.

The guilt that floods my mind when thinking about all of the food I inhale into my gluttonous body is overwhelming. I always think about the people who don't even get to eat because of their struggles, and here I am eating like I'm the army of men. When I cooked more often - I would make enough food to feed a lot of people, and I would be asked if I was trying to feed an army. When I cooked, it was usually for myself and another person, but they wouldn't want to eat as much as I did - and that's when it became a danger for me to cook at home.

I am not satisfied with myself, my worries about my weight became so extreme I lost my other half. He and I were almost 7 years into our relationship, but I ended up pushing him away because of my perspective of my weight. I always told myself, "he's a liar, he doesn't love me, I'm too fat." My thoughts lead him to believe I was cheating on him, because I was growing distant, and in turn he cheated on me - In all honesty I feel like I deserved it. He deserves someone who is happy with themselves, because I became so caught up in my problems, that it actually became truth - I destroyed my last chance of having a romantic relationship.

If I never learn to be happy with myself, I will never be able to truly show the love another person would need from me. The problem with body positivity for obese people, in my opinion, is that it is not positive. The toxic positivity in our society these day has created a false sense of happiness. The people who say that I'm not fat when I am dealing with the repercussions of the metabolic illness, make me mad. They are telling me things that are obviously not true. I would be the person who would tell their friend if they were, because I care and nobody should lie to anyone, especially their friends.

The reason I'm fat and unhappy is still a problem, even more so. I have lost weight, but I now fear, that even if I become thin, will I still be unhappy? Every time I step on the scale I hear the words that were said to me when I was bullied for my weight. I can still hear them laughing at me - but they have most likely moved on, and probably don't even think about me anymore. There are days I completely avoid mirrors, and days where depression has made it easier to not want to eat. The anxiety I feel from gaining back the weight is painful.

There are days where I feel happy, and being fat doesn't get in the way of my mood, but most days I feel ugly, because I am still fat. No matter how many people have told me that I'm pretty, my anxiety attacks me in a strange self defense tactic, and I don't believe them. I am becoming concerned, that if I can't fix the way I think, I might push everyone away.

Maybe it isn't the positive things people tell me that make the subject of body positivity and obesity a negative thing in my mind. Maybe it was the years of bullies who couldn't mind their own business about my body. Either way - I want to feel healthy, not in pain, not upset by my earthly issues. I want to stop the repetitive cycle of eating to fill the void - and the days where the void feels better not fed.