Ilyana’s Breakfast Club Clip

I recently ran into this clip of Ilyana Vanzant on the Breakfast Club radio show where she explains why she would now be able to be in a polygamous relationship now that she is in her 70s. She makes the joke that she would need the other woman to be a woman younger than her because she feels like she is old now, and the younger woman would be able to fulfill all of her partner's sexual needs. The rest of the interview seemed to be exactly why I am polyamorus today, so I was once again inspired to speak on it. (I guess I should stop saying that I don’t want to talk about it anymore because the more I try not to talk about it, the more things come up that make me want to talk about it.)

One of the points that Ilyana makes is that nobody can truly be everything that their partner needs. This is exactly how I feel. I know what I bring to the table, and it is unfair for you to expect for me to bring more than I am capable of bringing to the table, but if what I bring to the table does not fulfill all of your needs as my partner, it would also be unfair for me to say that you cannot go out and find someone who will fulfill that need for you and visa versa. I do not expect for my partner to fulfill all of my needs because he is only one person who can only bring what he brings to the table. For example, I am very goal oriented, driven, and focused on elevating myself and my family, but I know that I am also borderline A Sexual. My sex drive is just not that high, but my partner loves sex like its air, so it would be unfair of me to say, you can only have sex with me. Have sex with whoever you want, but be honest about it. Don’t have me out here looking crazy in these streets. Protect my image, just like I would protect yours. My partner is very loving and affectionate. I know that I can go to him for anything emotional, but when it comes to money, he is just not very good with money. Therefore, if I were to choose another partner, it might be because I want more financial security. That person may not be the most emotional person in the world and that’s okay because I am getting my emotional needs met elsewhere.

She also makes the point that we cannot tell people who they can and cannot have a relationship with. This is very key to a polyamorus relationship. You have to trust in what you bring to the relationship, and know that if the person no longer sees value in what you bring, then the relationship is going to fail whether there is someone else there or not. So telling someone that they cannot have a relationship with someone else because you are afraid that they are going to value them more, is not going to save the relationship. You have to remember that your partner is with you for a reason. They do not have to be, and we own nobody. Everybody is free to make choices for themselves, but it is important that they stand by them and they be honest about them.

Then she said that she wants her partner to be honest. All I could say to that was absolutely. I am an extremely honest person. I am not going to lie to you. For what? I’m grown. If there is someone else that I am feeling, I will bring that to you and let you make the decision for yourself if you want to be a part of this relationship still. I will give you all of the information so that you can make an informed decision. That way there is no misunderstanding. The key is that you have to do this upfront. Otherwise it is manipulation. You are trying to get that person to fall for you before you drop the bomb that you are hanging out with someone else too. That’s not fair to the other person, and it forces them to no longer be able to trust you.

Ilyana says that she would be excited about the fact that she doesn’t have to deal with that person all of the time. This is also very key for me. I love my space. I love my alone time. If my partner has other partners, I can choose to be alone in those moments, or be with another partner, and it’s okay. We can live our lives freely.

She talks about if you truly love someone, and they tell you that this is what they need to be fulfilled, then why would you say no to that. You want your partner to be happy. You cannot control what would make them happy. You can only control how you respond to it. We know that jealousy is a real human emotion, but once you become comfortable in who you are without all of the insecurities, you can look at yourself and ask, why are you really jealous. Do you need more time and attention? Then you should communicate that with your partner. Are you just bored? Then you need to find something to do. Is it because society tells you that this is how you should feel? To that I would ask, is this society's relationship or yours? Is there something actually wrong with the bond of your relationship? Then you need to explore what that is, and work on fixing that. Jealousy is always a symptom of some other issue, usually it is a need that isn’t getting satisfied.

In this short, two minute clip, she definitely hit on a lot of the reasons I am polyamorus. It takes some more hard work. It is definitely not the easy route, but it is what works for me. I cannot be anyone’s end all be all, and I do not expect for them to be that for me. I treasure honesty above all else. I love my freedom. She never said it, but I love love. I love to witness love, and I love being in love. There is no greater high for me. I hate drama, which is exactly what happens when someone is cheating (cheating is going outside the bounds of the relationship, and for me that is lying). When I truly love someone I want them to be satisfied and fulfilled even if that is not with me. If someone else can do that for you, then you should go for it. I love dating myself as much as I love dating others, so having that space to be alone while my partner is with their partner is precious. Just bring it to the table and let’s talk about it.