If you ever need me

They say you never forget your first love, that a heart healed still leaves a scar. But what if his very smile, his shy eyes looking at mine made sure mine won´t break at all?

Do I still remember? The first time I saw him? The blond hair? The sports glasses, the blue shirt and pants with the white stripe? The long legs? How tall he was? Through the green net in front of me I watched him play for the only football team around, as I stood on a street in a district, I had yet to get to know. I wish there was some way to know what a person will mean to you when you first see them. Who knows? I might have said hello sooner. But he was just some boy I only noticed, because he was so much taller than the other 10-year-olds running around chasing a blue ball.

I still remember the first day of middle school. How I found out he was in my class. How I made friends with another boy, who made friends with him. I remember how I never talked to him and how he was always around. How our worlds were so connected but never met. I remember riding the same bus to school every day sitting quietly across each other. I don´t remember how I got his phone number and why I first sent him a message.

I remember texting each other every day. Learning each other´s deepest secrets and thoughts. Telling each other things we wouldn´t ever tell anyone else. I knew him better than anyone else and he me, though we had never even spoken a word to one another. It was an unwritten understanding, that we never told anyone anything about what the other has told one. For long nobody ever knew about us. It was as if we were our own unit, our own people. Day by day sitting across one another looking at each other and knowing there was no one we could ever trust more.

I remember forgetting.

"You know what? I think you have changed a lot since we first met in 6th grade."

"Why do you think that?"

"I went through our first messages."

"I think you don´t have to do that."

"Why not?"

"You know I think you could delete those messages and it wouldn´t make a difference, because those things that truly are important to you, you´ll remember."

"Hmm... I don´t know."

"You remember me. Don´t you?"

I remember finding out he lived right around the corner. The tall boy walking quietly next to me. His eyes shyly facing the concrete ground below us. His face drifting from one fallen pinecone to another, every once in a while. Him kicking one across the street here and there. I remember knowing the second I´d close the front door behind me there´d be a text from him. And one after that. And another after that.

I remember the first time he said hello. His deep blue eyes. The grey sparkles shining like stars on the night sky. The silence - the pause. Him hesitantly asking me to meet him at the corner. His hands nervously clenched to fists in his pockets. "I need to show you something."

I remember him looking at my eyes for the first time. Our long walks around the pond, stopping at his favorite spot and watching the swans disappear behind the reeds. Never have I been this silent. Never have I said this much. I can still feel the faint smile brushing over his face. Always gone as fast as it came. I remember thinking about him when I woke up and right before I fell asleep. I remember falling. I remember love.

I remember him telling me he loved her. Watching him write her little handwritten notes. Watching him cry. Telling him to fight for her. Helping him lay out roses in front of her house. I remember wishing they were happy - wishing he was happy.

I remember him telling me he´ll be waiting at the corner today, the day after that and another after that. Me telling him about the worst thing I ever did and him still being right there at the corner waiting for me. Understanding him - understanding each other just by looking at one another. Knowing, having this deep feeling of certainty that he´d be in my life forever.

I remember you - If you ever need me, I´ll be right around the corner.

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