Idaho 1 Me 0

Idaho 1 Me 0

So late last summer Tim Ure and I decided to go camping, we’ve both watched every season of Alone so we figured we were ready, I should have figured better. This may get embarrassing for me, but what the fuck, I’ve embarrassed myself so many times already it’s become standard fare.

We drove forty four mikes up the Coeur d’Alene river and snatched the last camping spot at the end of the trail, wasn’t a lot of folks up there, so no one was around us. We brought tarps, double wide camping cots and of course LuLu. Being in bear country T Martin also brought a 45 he borrowed so we had some protection.

We had both seen the weather app and it was calling for thunder storms for only an hour, so we got busy as soon as we landed. We took some rope we brought and tied it tightly between two trees, took our tarps and set up camp. I dug a small fire out as well and proud of our accomplishments, we decided to have a whiskey.

Now as I’ve said in the past, hard liquor and I disagree most times, but T brought a mixer and it went down rather easy. We set back on our beach chairs and looked at the beauty in front of us. The river was within thirty yards, mountains glistening behind it and the sun was up. What could possibly go wrong. Fucking whiskey, that’s what!

T however honorable, made three costly mistakes, first off he’s a connoisseur of fine liquor, but he knew I was a guzzler, number two I made the dinner and all he had to bring was salt and pepper, oops, and number three he brought me along. After three or four drinks we were going to throw out a few lines in the river but the weather started to change, and quickly, like it was in a hurry. We battened down the hatches, pulled the cots farther into our water tight camp and lit the fire.

LuLu is a great camping dog, has more sense than the two of us put together, and she had started with a rather small perimeter walk and we laughed as she expanded it to about twenty five to thirty yards encircling our camp site. The rain started to show itself when dinner was about halfway done and the rains focused their power right into our little Indian fire. Knowing dinner was now ruined, we huddled deeper into our tarps and had a few more whiskeys. Knowing this was only going to last an hour, we were fine and LuLu was not freaking by the thunder or lightning.

We were quickly running out of mixer, but being an experienced camper I brought along Gatorade so we were covered. About three hours into the one hour storm, I was shit faced but T Martin, although buzzed braved the weather to move our half cooked food quite a ways away from our camp site, my figuring was any bear that would eat that crap got what he, or she deserved. He buried it and came back five minutes later soaked to the bone.

The storm was now in its fourth or fifth hour, piece of shit app never works, and darkness was taking over the camp. We pulled our cots in as far as we could but with the winds blowing from the river, half of our bodies were exposed. At this time the only one enjoying themselves was LuLu as she seemed to be living the dream. The rains pounded the tarps and it got louder than any concert I’ve ever been to. Finally frustrated T Martin headed to his Jeep, I turned one of the cots sideways and passed out as the rain started to pummel our camp site.

The one hour storm was now going on seven or eight hours and LuLu was sleeping under the cot, which she was too large for, so I had a bump under my back that was in continuous moving mode. Every time T would get out if his Jeep to pee, LuLu would run out to say hi, and come back soaking wet and wanting to play. I was now cold and wet, with a dog licking my face and looking for attention. A good nights rest, it wasn’t.

But wait, there’s more. As light started to penetrate the cold morning air, it was still raining, and I was stuck in the now sagging cot in need of restroom facilities and quickly, like I mean right now. The whiskey was coming up one way or the other, and I wasn’t throwing up. I was trying to say it nicely, but honestly there isn’t a way for this to be done, so as I tried to get off the cot, grab some TP and dig a joke, I underestimated the timing and yes, I shit myself. It was awful, LuLu wanted to play, I wanted to hide from the world and my only change of clothes was a pair of shorts.

T Martin was torn between laughing and puking and we decided right then and there to break camp and head home. It was still raining, actually pouring, but we pulled our shit together, pun intended, and got the car packed up, soaking wet dog and all.

Oh but wait, there’s still more. I had brought my phone with me and left it charging in the car and as T went to start his Jeep, crickets, nothing, zip. We opened the hood and the insulation around the battery was chewed up and scattered everywhere, I saw a squirrel or chipmunk running around inside the hood and both T and I were ready to give up. We had seen some neighbors a few hundred yards up the road so T went and fetched help and after a few tries, the Jeep finally started and we headed home.

I have to say T was a good sport about it all, didn’t harangue me too much and he was so decent he didn’t mention it to a soul. I of course told Cindy when I got home and she didn’t seem overly surprised. Are you?

Crack Egg Out