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I Was THAT Bridesmaid

The drunk one, in case you were wondering

By TJ SagePublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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I Was THAT Bridesmaid
Photo by Jeremy Wong Weddings on Unsplash

On June 6th, 2020, one of my best friends got married, and I was lucky enough to be one of her bridesmaids. It was honestly one of the best experiences I’ve ever had, and it’s a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. I was not the maid of honor, but the bride decided there were a couple tasks I might be a little better suited for than the maid of honor, such as planning the bachelorette party, so I was given some bridesmaid duties.

The bachelorette party was a blast and very appropriately inappropriate, including a “Pin the Penis on the Man” game, a town-wide scavenger hunt to areas relevant to the bride and groom, and lots and lots of alcohol! I’m sure to your dismay, this totally epic bachelorette party, planned by ME, is not the cringe-worthy subject of this story. It was an event at the wedding reception.

It started off perfectly normal - we got ready for the wedding with mimosas, the ceremony went flawlessly, I did not faceplant while walking down the aisle (yay me), and I felt like a princess in my gorgeous, though horrendously uncomfortable bridesmaid’s dress. (That dress was the most unforgiving dress I’ve ever worn - I lost 10lbs. to fit into it and I still had to wear a body shaper underneath to zip it up. Couldn’t breathe the entire night.)

One of my aforementioned bridesmaid duties was during the reception, to carry out the ever-popular Shoe Game! If you haven’t seen the Youtube videos, this is where the bride and groom sit in back-to-back chairs while holding a bride shoe and a groom shoe in either hand. Someone asks questions, and they each hold up the shoe of whom they think is the answer to the question. These questions typically include ones like “who takes the longest to get ready in the morning?” or “who is the best driver?” It was my job not only to come up with the questions, but also to read them into the microphone so everyone at the reception could hear.

Here is an example:

My plan at this reception was to be smart - I had to fly home the following day, and I sure didn’t want a hangover. I also wanted to be able to do the Shoe Game later. So I’d gotten a glass of wine and that was going to be one of maybe two glasses for the whole night.

Then they brought out the jello shots.

So I had to do a jello shot when a very nice guy brought one just for me and then taught me how to slurp the jello out of the little plastic container without making a mess or leaving any behind (I’d never had one before).

And then I had to do one with the other bridesmaids.

And then I had to do one with the whole wedding party.

And then I think I did another one at some point, but my mind was pretty much gone by then, so I don't actually recall.

Mind you, this whole time I was also drinking wine (mixing alcohol - don’t recommend it), and the next thing I knew, I was HAMMERED.

The maid of honor and I were buds, so just about every 20 minutes because of all the alcohol, she was helping me in and out of my dress (that thing was impossible to get in and out of by yourself) so that I could get off the damn body shaper to pee. Imagine my shock and light outrage when I learned there was a way to pee while wearing it - AFTER THE WEDDING.

It was while I was in the bathroom doing my best to stay vertical and that angel of a maid of honor was waiting outside that someone came to find us and tell us the bride wanted to do the Shoe Game now. I was so far gone I'd actually forgotten about it at that point.

So we finished up and headed out, got the chairs onto the dance floor (I’m sure very gracefully) and I talked to the DJ about getting everyone's attention with his microphone, before handing it to me. I said something (don’t remember what) into the microphone, and everyone cringed. Out of my peripheral vision, I saw the DJ sprint to the sound system from his place in the audience, and I realized I probably just yelled into the mic, but I was too drunk to realize it, I was just going off everyone’s reaction. Strike One.

So then I tried to explain the shoe game to the wedding guests who might not have heard of it, but there is a thing that happens when I drink...it’s like the connection between my brain and my mouth gets cut, and I cannot speak to save my life. I stuttered, slurred, and rambled through my description of this game, hearing myself sound like a drunken idiot the whole time and probably turning a bright shade of red, if the alcohol hadn’t done that already. Strike Two.

So then I get to the questions. I swear to god, I was holding the paper PERFECTLY STILL, yet somehow the words were...moving. I had to stare intently at that piece of paper to even see the questions and tried my absolute best to speak clearly when reading them off, but I could hear myself failing, miserably. Strike Three, you're out.

I had about 25 questions, but after 4 or 5, I relinquished the mic over to the maid of honor because I just could not pull it off. She, thankfully, got through the remainder of the questions flawlessly (though she did keep telling each of them which shoe to put up, and you’re not supposed to give them the answers!) and I sat back and internally cursed myself for being so stupid.

The remainder of the reception included lots and lots of drunken dancing, I helped the maid of honor take off her shoes at one point, and after the photographer was off duty, I was finally able to take off the dress and dance in something more comfortable (the wedding was at a lodge where the wedding party was staying). After the dress was gone, I was also able to actually eat something, which I think soaked up some of the booze in my stomach, but I was still more drunk than I’d ever really been. I headbanged at one point - in heels, no less.

The hangover the next day exaggerated the stupid decisions of the previous night. The only thing that helped at all was the “hair of the dog that bit me,” in the form of a mimosa to stave off the nausea just enough to be able to fly without vomiting. I didn’t feel totally right again for two days after that wedding! I am extremely proud that I didn’t throw up, and I think it says something that that is what I’m proud of.

Needless to say the next time there are jello shots, I will politely decline.

Now enjoy some beautiful photos from the wedding!

The reception hall (we decorated)

The garland was cut into pieces and tied together by us

Our plaid shirts reserving our spots at the head table

Mason jar center pieces

The groom went and cut that "cookie" for the cake to sit on (there was more cake than that, just not all decorated)

Fun fact: it rained all through the ceremony. Notice the arch where we stood is not under the tent. We integrated umbrellas into the ceremony.

See? Super pretty!! Just not stretchy in the least.

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Thanks for reading! If you liked what you read, please hit the heart, share with your friends, or consider leaving a tip to support my work!

If you enjoyed this story, please take a look at some of my other stories. Here is a story about the precarious situation in which I met and rescued my dog:

Embarrassment
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About the Creator

TJ Sage

Not-your-average wannabe writer and author who's a sucker for a good story.

[email protected]

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