I was alone

Finally, I was alone, but not like I am most of the time, when I’m trying to build my career, to center my mind to my body, taming the chaos in my mind and desperately trying to figure out who I’m trying to become. I was alone, my mind was quiet, my body was numb, I didn’t feel the desperate need for affection and socialization. I was contempt with myself.

For a moment I felt like I was dying, because the most important moments in my life appeared before my eyes. But I wasn’t dying, I was contemplating on my life, the choices that led me here, the experiences that build the person I am now.

I was the 5th child, an unexpected surprise, my parents were older, more tired when they had me, they loved me in their own way. But I’m still feeling like they didn’t really love me, they had their own troubles, they didn’t have time to give me what I needed. So I grew up alone and lonely, that’s why I’m used to being alone.

Nobody was able to find the time to teach me about life, they taught me the only thing they knew, religion, not even how to have faith, just religion. But that doesn’t help me in any way so maybe I have a little bit of resentment for the way I was raised. I feel I wasn’t prepared for life at all, I was just growing up only to bump my head on the way out.

When I grew older I wanted desperately to go as far away as I can from home, even if I didn’t have a terrible childhood, I felt unhappy thinking about it. So I went on and tried to build my home around other people. I tried to fix everyone that crossed my path, later realizing it’s me who needs fixing.

I’m constantly afraid, but I am also brave. Today I’m deciding to do the things that I’m most afraid to, I’m learning to live with my fear and nurture courage in my heart. That’s the only way to live, I cannot let myself be paralyzed with fear anymore.

I’m afraid of failure, I’m afraid I’m trying to build to many things and it might all come down crashing on me. I’m afraid of a loveless life, I’m afraid my partner will leave me one day and say he doesn’t love me anymore, just like that, out of the blue, I’m afraid I won’t even see the signs pointing out the problems that could lead to that scenario. I’m afraid of dangerous people, mean people, I’m afraid of crowds and panic attacks, I’m afraid of disappointing the people I love.

Today I am afraid of all of this, but I decide to walk through it all with my head high. I have a lump in my throat but I’m taking a deep breath, I feel my lungs filling up with oxygen, and my fears are all starting to evaporate a little bit, I take another deep breath and I start to feel some of that courage coming in. My mind is relaxing. My fears are going away. They will come back soon enough, don’t worry. But for now, it’s just me, alone in my mind, but not lonely.

Thanks for reading!

We are who we are, but we can build up every day, let the education we had from our parents be a template we adjust over the years with only good in our hearts. Because resentment, sadness and hate will only brake the template. Love builds better!