I Tried to Save My World

I wish I could say the article you are about to read concludes with a happy ending. I wish I could say I found more than I could ever lose. But the truth is, if I were to say that it would be a lie. To fully understand how things got to this point, I am going to have to go back to September of 2020. The month I realized that the father I thought would live forever, was on borrowed time. Time that my family and I were tasked with deciding when it ended. After a week and a half of debating, fighting, and just being there for each other, we decided it wasn’t fair of us to keep asking for more time when he was in so much pain and no longer resembled the man who taught some of us to drive, to play basketball, softball, and football. He no longer looked like the man who worked through lunch breaks to make sure he made it to every game and musical concert his kids were included in. So on September 10, 2020 we made the decision to empty out the sand pouring from the invisible timeglass.

To deal with the pain I turned to heavy drinking and smoking. I found myself falling deeper and deeper into this dark abyss, I had no hope of climbing out of. Turns out I didn’t have to. Though I couldn’t see it in the beginning, there was this skinny pale white hand reaching into this abyss grasping onto my hand begging me to not let go. He slowly but surely pulled me out inch by inch by himself until I was strong enough to find my footing and help. Then I lost our baby. I knew he wouldn’t forgive me if he knew and I couldn’t stand to see him in even an ounce of the pain that I was in. I couldn’t watch him fall into that abyss with me, even if it meant that I would be alone again. I let go of his hand or at least I tried to. This stubborn ass scrawny white boy became this constant fixture in my life for about six to seven months. He nursed me through the loss of a child he didn’t know was his, through the ongoing custody battle over my niece and nephew, and through the fights with my biological and adoptive family. This man gave me a place to stay when I had nowhere to take my two week old son, because my landlords hadn’t fixed my air conditioning even after two months. This man nursed me back to health when I got sick while caring for my newborn. Then I started noticing small changes here and there. I knew what was coming before he even had a chance to speak. I packed up myself and my son and left. I could no longer allow him to save me, I tried to wait until it was time for me to save him. But you can’t save somebody who at times either doesn’t want to be saved or at other times can save themselves. So, I settled for loving this scrawny white man in secret. Turns out he was falling in love too, just not with me.

A month shy of our one year friendaversary I walked away physically, while he walked away emotionally and mentally. We both promised to always be best friends and to be there for each other, but if you saw us now, we couldn’t be any further from that promise. I talk to him every now and again. He swears that he is happy. Which is all I’ve ever wanted for him. Even if that happiness is not with me. But I no longer tell him how I’m doing. And how am I doing, you may ask. I’m close to the edge with everything to lose, but this time there is no scrawny white hand to save me.

I lost my car because I had to choose between paying a car note and utilities. A car for most is a luxury, but for me it was a second level necessity. My job relied heavily on transportation and because I no longer had a car, I lost the only source of income I had while searching for another more stable job. I fell behind on rent and because my landlords refused to accept both applications I put in for Indy Rent, I am now facing the very possibility of an eviction and losing my children, the one thing I care the most for in this world. I lose them, I lose my sanity.