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I Think I'm a Satanist

And I'm...fine with it?

By Jackson FordPublished 2 years ago 5 min read
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I Think I'm a Satanist
Photo by Kevin Grieve on Unsplash

I live my life as an atheist Jew.

I believe in enjoying certain religious rituals with my mostly Jewish family. Shabbat dinner, yarmulkes and kitke bread.

But let's be real: I don't actually believe in God.

The reason I go through these rituals is because I enjoy how they build the relationship I have with my family. I enjoy how Shabbat gives us an excuse to get together and celebrate each other. We do the prayer, share the bread, then give each other hugs and tuck into a delicious meal. That is the sole extent of our religious observance.

As for believing in an invisible dude in the sky, watching over us as we do this? Nah, dog. Maybe some members of my family do, but I am firmly in the camp of: we came from nothing, and we'll return to nothing, and the universe will tick on just fine without us.

We are one planet among billions, and the idea that we among all others have a direct line to the lone supreme being who created the universe is at best, bizarre, and at worst, deep hubris.

Am I hypocritical? Enjoying a religious ceremony when I don't actually believe? Maybe. But here's the kicker: my hypocrisy and my religious beliefs hurt precisely no-one. I keep them to myself (well, except for you guys, obviously) and use them as an excuse to hang with my family, who I love deeply. And frankly, I'm almost 100% certain that some of those faces around the table on the Sabbath don't believe in God either.

I've had religion on my mind a lot lately, mostly due to the overturning of Roe vs. Wade in the United States, essentially allowing individual states to criminalise abortion. This has been celebrated as a huge step forward by right-wing Christians.

Now, I'm not about to go on a rant regarding my thoughts on Christianity, especially as it is practiced in the US (although God knows, I certainly could). Instead, I want to talk about Satan.

See, recently, I came across a message in a Reddit thread (which of course I now can't find) that laid out the principles of the Temple of Satan. I have no idea what its connection was to the original thread topic, which I think was a video showing a man getting a pie in the face, but I found myself giving it a read.

And—with a growing sense of confusion—agreeing with it.

Here, briefly, are the seven fundamental tenets of Satanism:

I

One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.

II

The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.

III

One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.

IV

The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own.

V

Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs.

VI

People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.

VII

Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

So, let's see if I have this right.

The Temple of Satan encourages its followers to 1) be nice to people, 2) to respect their bodily autonomy, 3) to believe in and venerate science, 4) to forgive, and 5) not be dicks.

Call me crazy, but those sound not just eminently reasonable, but actually pretty damn noble.

Of course, there's the small matter of worshiping the embodiment of all evil. Anticipating this, the Temple of Satan have put forward a rather detailed FAQ on its website. One of the questions asks, quite bluntly, Do You Believe In Satan?

No, nor do we believe in the existence of Satan or the supernatural. The Satanic Temple believes that religion can, and should, be divorced from superstition. As such, we do not promote a belief in a personal Satan. To embrace the name Satan is to embrace rational inquiry removed from supernaturalism and archaic tradition-based superstitions. Satanists should actively work to hone critical thinking and exercise reasonable agnosticism in all things. Our beliefs must be malleable to the best current scientific understandings of the material world — never the reverse.

I don't know how much of this is true. For all I know, it could be ruse by old Lucifer himself to snare souls.

But on the one hand, I have the Bible and Christianity, which insist that I don't wear clothes made of two different threads (Leviticus 19:19) and that it's totally OK to demand that women be silent and submissive (Timothy 2:12).

In addition, there's Judaism, which has less barmy requirements and is generally OK with most things, pork and shellfish aside, but is still essentially patriarchal to its core. THere are plenty of stories of orthodox Jews point-blank refusing to sit next to women on airplanes, which...look, fuck off into sun. Honestly.

(An important point: I'm talking about the religions as they are put forth by their holy texts here, rather than talking about the persecution of those who practice them. That's a whole 'nother kettle of gefilte fish).

And on the other hand, I have Satanism, which...wants me to be awesome to people and generally live my life without hurting them, and to embrace science and rational thought?

That sounds...well, I'll be honest, it sounds fucking great.

I don't know if I plan to become a full Satan worshipper. For one thing, the Temple of Satan seems a little blase about actual worship; they discourage things like human or animal sacrifice (as they bloody well should) and while they do describe Black Masses and Unbaptizing Ceremonies, there's a sense that they'd rather just go out and have a beer.

And you have to love a religion whose Washington chapter models its logo after Starbucks.

The thing is, even if I don't actually become a Satanist, we still believe the same things. At this point, I may as well just say fuck it, and join up.

Hail Satan, and pass the kitke bread.

Humanity
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About the Creator

Jackson Ford

Author (he/him). I write The Frost Files. Sometimes Rob Boffard. Always unfuckwittable. Major potty mouth. A SH*TLOAD OF CRAZY POWERS out now!

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  • Valentina Savage2 years ago

    Scary!! Yet so pertinent to share. I invite you to read my stories I have one about satanism too. It is called « the bringer of light ».

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