I Left My Dad Without Saying Goodbye

Is making amends before someone dies always possible or necessary?

For more than ten years of my life, I wanted to believe my dad did change. I felt it was my duty to build a relationship with him. His kidney problems then later a possible tumor influenced this decision. Never mind the unjustified wrath he poured out onto my mom, my first two brothers, and me when we all still lived with him.

I saw it all while still living at home, and these are only incidences I remember. I'm sure there was many more I don't recall.

My dad threw a 13-inch TV at my mom when I was about five right before I planned to go to bed. I don’t remember what his reason was, but I do remember him also turning the kitchen table upside down as he yelled “Why isn’t supper done yet?!” when I was eight.

He also once threw a pliers at me when I was about 15-16, and he pinned one of my brothers against the wall. To my other brother, my dad reached from the front seat to the back seat of the car and banged his head against the back passenger side.

“How dare you correct me?!” My dad screamed in rage as I counted the number of times my brother’s head made impact with the car. I think this incident happened when he was about twelve.

My older two brothers and me were all grown before the year 2000. It’s my sisters who still lived with my dad that I still had to think about everyday of their lives.

Until I could figure out what to do for my sisters, I decided to see them as often as I could just to check up on them. I had my reasons, which you will find out soon enough. Keeping tabs with them was a challenge after my dad relocated up to four hours away from me.

In May 2013, I saw my dad alive for the last time.

I just came out of the local fast-food burger place with one of my twin teenage half-sisters. She and her sister were born autistic. I only had one of the two with me.

The sister who kept me company that day -- at least at that time -- had more cognitive ability than the other. She talked more, too. However, the overall speech functioning for both sisters estimated to that of children between two and five years old.

I’d show you a picture of my twin sisters, but for privacy reasons, I decided it’s better to just describe them to you. They’re both tall and slender with straight, brown hair down to their waist. The girls resemble their mother who hasn’t seen much of them after my dad won sole custody. That's how I remember them the last time I saw them in 2013, anyway.

I wished both of my sisters could come with me and enjoy the sun that day I took one of them with me. The one that stayed home had two many incidences of banging her own head and scratching her face until it bleeds. Her self-destruction is also most likely one reason she later started going blind.

I wasn’t sure how I could handle the second twin by myself, and my dad knew that. I planned to take a walk in the park, go swimming, or some other outside activity after eating lunch with my sister. My dad interrupted those plans when he called me.

“Please come back to the house right now!” My dad ordered.

My sister and me were about to get into the car and pull out of the restaurant parking lot. I was about to stop back to the house with a bag of food anyway, but my heart raced, and my body started to tremble.

Fight-or-flight signals in my brain activated first timidity then rage.

After my dad spoke, I suddenly felt 15 again, but not in a good way. I never forgot what it was like to live with my dad.

Fear and anger signals ignited, and rationality within me started to decline. Rage levels escalated from zero to ten in just a tick of time.

How dare he?! I thought. After all the things that he did to me, he thinks he has the right to decide he can't trust me with my sister by myself for half a day?!

It just hit me now – about seven years after the fact. Who knows what the real reason my dad wanted to keep my second sister at home?

My family never know what to think of my dad. All I felt sure of in 2013 was this:

My sisters, then, were at the same age that I was when I was hardly ever allowed to leave the house. That triggered the same feelings I have anytime I feel like I was being held hostage. I didn’t want my dad controlling them like he used to control me.

I don’t even remember what I said to my dad on the phone before returning with my sister to his place. I only recall driving back to the house with the bag of burgers and fries. The indignation still festered inside of me, but I knew I must keep it to myself until I figured out what action I needed to take to protect my sisters.

When I arrived, I made nice for a little while with my dad, sisters and his girlfriend. Then, I left the house to run other errands. By the way, I had already stayed near my sisters for about a month and a half.

Reasons I Knew I Needed to Act Fast for My Sisters

Judging by my dad's weight loss that now showed his bones, I knew I didn't have much time. If I couldn't adopt them, I had to figure out how to make sure they weren't left stranded without anyone to take care of them.

I decided to contact the local social services and tell them that I had no proof that anything ever happened to my sisters. However, he did sexually abuse me for more than eight years.

This caused my dad to retaliate by telling social services I couldn't see them anymore. However, they did eventually get taken away from him and were placed in what I hope is a good home. My dad ended his own life using an extension cord as a rope, and I'm sorry to say his girlfriend and daughter were the ones who had to see that.

Under the circumstances, I don't feel bad at all I had left my dad without saying "goodbye" the day after I last had the chance to hang out with one of my sisters.

I'll have to tell more of the story later. I'm running out of time for now. I'm just glad my sisters are safe and plan to try to reconnect with them soon. I just couldn't because of the recession and not much money to travel.