I Hated You

Mother Mom,

I never knew you. I never got the chance. I hid it from dad but for the longest time I hated you. I hated you so much. You brought me into this world and then you left, just like that. Did I mean nothing to you? Did my existence cause you that much pain? Was I that horrible?

I've never vocalized my hatred before. I tried to bury it, tried to ignore it. After all, how could I hate my own Mother? How could I despise the person that gave me life? I felt so much anger towards you. All my teenage years I bottled up so much rage and hatred, no one ever knew.

I think Dad may have suspected. He stopped bringing your name up when I was 14. I must have had an extreme visceral reaction because he loved bringing you up. He loved you, even now he still loves you. He never moved on, you know. Never remarried or cared for another woman. You were his everything. Which made me hate you more.

You left me, but you also left him. It's been decades now and he still isn't over your sudden departure. I don't think he ever will now. Your photo still sits on the mantel, next to mine and the one photo we have together. You're such an integral part of his life, but not of mine.

I envied the other kids at school. They all came from these amazing, loving families. Two parents. There were a few kids with one parent, but usually their mother. I didn't have a mother and I felt like a freak. I used to be bullied because of you. Taunted because I only had my father. They used to call me Motherless. Stupid Not very creative but it definitely hurt my 13 year old self.

Don't get me wrong, I love dad so much. He is beyond amazing. He became a mother and father for me, always going above and beyond to care for me. He is my closest confidant and best friend... but I always wanted my mom. I always wanted to have both of my parents. I didn't want dad to have to be both parents. He should have only been a father, not mother and father.

He didn't understand the emotions or teenage years. He tried, bless him, but the female mind is complicated and he just couldn't understand. I needed my mom when I went through my first period, my first heartbreak and my first time using makeup. But you weren't there. You were never there.

You didn't see my first steps or hear my first words. You've never met my boyfriends or my husband. You missed everything in my life and forced dad to do it all alone. I don't hate you. Sometimes I want to still hate you, especially when I see how much older my father looks than he is. That's because of you. But my hatred has slowly diminished over the years.

It's taken years of therapy to overcome my anger. Dad put me in therapy when I was 15... I guess he did know that I was angry at you. I doubt he knew about the hatred, but he knew about the anger. I no longer hate you, although I still find myself resenting you sometimes. My therapist advised me to write this letter. It has no destination, but maybe getting my emotions onto paper would be good. Or so she said.

I don't really know what I expected writing this. Some closure or positive feeling? Who knows. It feels pointless but I did it. Mom. I don't hate you anymore, but I never knew you and I resent that.

Sincerely Love,

Your daughter.