I hate it here.

I thought about changing the title to make it less triggering, but I can never choose dishonesty, even if I wanted to.

Spring Break has started and I have no plans other than wallowing in whatever life is trying to teach me right now. I've accepted that I cannot escape the pain I've been feeling lately from the decisions I've made necessary for growth. These growing pains left me torn because I needed to protect my spirit, but damn, this was the last thing I wanted to happen.

I resurfaced the mentality I never thought I would entertain again: "fuck it I'll just be single forever", "I'll be my friend", etc. "How childish?" you may say to yourself, but being slapped in the face with my childhood trauma gets cringy when it's time to heal from it, so be it.

I've been surviving each day, taking one step at a time, trying to understand where the beginning of my healing starts...but I refuse to reference the TikTok girlies for a template. So it's been all over the place, one day it's sought through sitting in nature, the next it's exposed through breakdowns, today it was in my sense of humor, and there are even days where I feel incapable of starting after going back to what I've been trying to heal from. So was it really healing or just acceptance? I don't have to energy to analyze it.

In all honesty, there are moments when I don't feel capable of getting over this situation, and I don't think I want to. I won't ever get over him being the first to show me that I'm capable of being loved and that there's someone out there for everyone.

I've carried around guilt like I have my entire life, but this hits differently. No one talks about the guilt one feels after outgrowing a relationship and walking away. Of course, no one talks about this, because we're the perpetrators, we have no sympathy, and nothing to heal from. But as someone in this situation, feeling like I've made someone feel unwanted is one of the worst feelings I've ever dealt with. This pain dwells, especially when you still have a love for this person and deeply care for them. But if I'm being real, this will never be the perception. After doing whatever it takes to protect my peace and future, I'm pretty sure I'm the inconsiderate and immature woman that gave up too easily or "switched up"- we love to say that.

I've been going in circles with this one, not knowing what the other side looks like, unsure if I made the right decision, feeling like I've lost a blessing, not feeling safe or progressive if I choose to keep things the way they are, it's a lot. There are so many solutions I can hear people suggesting to me, but I've been trying to trust myself more these days. If there's a flaw in that I'll find out sooner than later.

There have been days where I try, I'm intentional, and I look forward to the future. Even in those moments, I still choose to embrace what I feel, and maybe that's not the best thing to do. I know for sure that this anger and guilt for things not going the way I wanted them to has to leave soon. The longer I hang onto them, the more I prolonged whatever the future holds.

But as of now, I'm facing the pain I can't escape, the regret I think about, and the fear of letting go and hopefully going through the middle of the situation instead of over it will transition me into the new person I'm becoming.

Read my last story for more context>