I had no choice.

Hey K.,

Hey friend, what’s up? I hope that your cloud is comfy, and I hope that B has all her favorite treats too.

I had something to remove from my chest, and you were the one who understood me the most.

I told you in my previous letter how I heard about… you. He came to my place, unannounced and just started crying in my arms. It was the first time that I saw him cry, and it didn’t take me long to understand why. The only reason could be you.

I just… started to cry too. Hugging him tight, he cried so much I felt his tears falling down my back.

You know, the funny thing about it is that I heard his voice in my apartment. Just his normal voice, calling my name. I got out of bed, confused and naked and I just had the time to reach a towel, but I didn’t have the time to wrap it around me. I saw his face, and he just burst in tears, and I didn’t think about anything else. I hugged him, asked what was happening. I was so worried. It was horribly painful to see him like this.

After that, he went in my living room and sat on my couch. He looked crushed, empty. He wasn’t moving or talking. I got dressed and sat next to him, not aware of my own pain at this moment. I just wanted to be there for him, to support him, as I always did.

I hugged him again, we lied on the couch for a bit, my cat looked worried and asked for cuddles too. She’s bright you know; she looked like she could understand what was happening, that he was sad and needed support.

I tried to give him water, he didn’t want it, so I drank it. I tried to give him a drink and he didn’t want it either.

He didn’t stay long. He said that he was going to his place and that he’ll sleep. I gave him another long hug, but when he left, I saw that look that I don’t like. You know that look for sure, the one that he makes when he’s shutting down. That cold look. He didn’t look at me and just left.

After that, I was not feeling good. I needed support too. I was moved and sad, but at least, I can manage. Grief has been my companion for a while, and at this moment, I was grieving something else, as you knew. So… I did what helps when I’m grieving. I played video games, I talked to my friends. I decided to send him a text, I told him that I was going to cook some food and that I’ll brought it to him, that day, or the day after. I reminded him, again and again that I was there.

You know, I wanted to ask if I could come with him. Not for him this time, but for me. But I was completely sure that he would have said no, and I didn’t want him to shut down even more, so I didn’t say anything and watched him leave.

For the food, I thought about cooking crispy chicken and pasta, because it was your favourite, but I didn’t know how he’d react, so I made sweet and sour chicken with mangoes and sushi rice. I still don’t know if it was good or not.

I brought it to his place. We sat in silence, cuddling a bit for two hours. And I realized something, something that I should have realized before. That was what I needed. That was what I wanted. I was here, for him, unconditionally. The pain I felt during the last weeks came back right in my face as I held him. I was sincerely worried though. I never saw him like this, and I wish I never had. I was glad to be there, and as much as I wanted to comfort him, I was sorry for me. I didn’t mind that he stood mute the whole time, unresponsive, looking at his toes and hugging his blanket, I was thinking that I looked like this almost everyday for the last few weeks. I almost always have opposite ideas fighting in my head.

You know… The fact that he came right to me when he learned it, that he cried in my arms and that he spontaneously hugged me that day showed me that he trusted me, that at this moment, somehow, he knew it was safe to be here with me.

And that is what made me do this.

The day after the horrible news, I saw my psycho-educator. I told her about the last ten days, and believe me, it wasn’t easy for me at all. A few days before, we had a really long talk on the phone, and he witnessed something no one before him ever noticed. I don’t split, but it looks like a shift, a violent dissociation. He made me write about it, to investigate, and the day after, he asked for his apartment keys. It was painful, I didn’t want to give them back. I told him that it was horrible to see him drifting away, at his own pace, ignoring my pain. He assured me that it wasn’t the case, but still. I went to his place. Gave him his keys back. He sat in his couch, played some video games and mostly, it was like a normal day, but I felt rejected, not welcome anymore, so, I left after 5 minutes. He didn’t do anything to make me stay, and when I explained why I left, I said that I felt uncomfortable and that I won’t come to his place before long, but he was still welcome at my place. He wasn’t happy but said that he respected my decision.

My PE raised an eyebrow when I told her that he still had my keys. To her it wasn’t normal, and she was concerned about me, since I instantly fell in my usual pattern: I prioritized him over me way too much.

That is one of the reasons I felt used. I provided. He took what he wanted and always refused to give me what I was asking for. He has all the right in the world to do so, but still, it hurts, and I had to do something about it, for my own mental health.

It wasn’t intentional, he means no harm, I know that. But still, he came to my place because he knew he could, and I knew that I could not go to him. I felt abandoned and neglected again. And that’s the moment I decided to do something.

Everyone around me is proud and happy for me, and I must say that I am too. It was hard, but I finally came to this point.

Last Wednesday, I sent him a text asking for my keys. I explained that I didn’t like how things were and that if I had to have a platonic relationship with him, things should at least look like it. I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t pointing fingers. I just stated the fact that I wasn’t feeling good.

I know that I could have chosen a “better moment”, but why should I have waited? And what should have I waited for?

Actually, I also realized how toxic this situation was for me, I couldn’t keep a platonic relationship with the man I wanted to spend my life with. I couldn’t watch him chose someone else. How could I move on, anyway? I was so frightened to lose him that I overlooked my own pain. What is the most painful, after all? And I had multiple proofs that I couldn’t keep him away, he just didn’t let me push him away. Every time we met was a gamble. How will things go today? How will I feel when he’ll leave? When I’ll leave? It was too much.

I won’t talk for him, because I have no fucking clue about how he’s dealing with our breakup, but I can talk for me. I was always happy to spend time with him, but refraining myself to hug him, kiss him or hold his hand was painful. I almost waited our goodbye because he was hugging me, but again, was it a good idea?

We tried many things and failed at every attempt. Nothing was working anymore. We also tried to give each other some space, but even that didn’t work, because that’s the moment you went to the hospital, and supporting him was more important for me than my own feelings.

Since Monday, I found the way and the reasons to prioritize myself. I won’t say that it’s not painful, but that’s what I should have done a long time ago.

Don’t misunderstand me though. I love him with all my heart, he opened some doors in me, he made me feel special, but he didn’t make me feel loved. I need to feel loved. I could go on and on with the thousand reasons why I love him so deeply, I could also explain what I was picturing in detail, but it was nothing more than what we had, just some label and a bit more of reassurance, and being a part of his life… That’s it. But since I was starving for everything, I became toxic, I know that. We both messed up, but he didn’t want me, and he never will, so he ended things.

I told him a long time ago, several times, that I would love if he’d come unannounced at my place, that I love spontaneity, that I love physical touch, that I need reassurance. There are many tiny things I love. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t make me feel loved at all, and it made me anxious, emotionally starved. How can I be stable in those circumstances? How can I be happy? I was constantly giving him what he wanted, and it worked. He was happy, at some point.

Our healthy relationship didn’t last long because my needs clouded his happiness. Talking about it didn’t do anything, asking either. He became more and more upset every time I wasn’t feeling right. He told me horrible things and so did I.

I had no other choice but to be horrible for him to hate me and… that’s what I did. But I did it in a weird way. I could not do it too bluntly, he would have caught the act and he would have made me change my mind, again.

No. I waited for a moment where I could be in total control of myself, my words, and emotions. I stopped being scared of losing him, and I did the tiniest thing I could. I asked for my keys, he snapped, I think that he would have yelled at me if we were in person and reminded me that you were dead. With all due respect, I love you and all, but I don’t think that you have nothing to do with my keys and the fact that I want to protect myself.

I knew that it wouldn’t be a fun moment, but it went even faster than I thought. I didn’t want to start a fight; but I just made him so pissed that he ended things. Well, I’m still in his friend list but he’s ignoring me and has not read my last few texts in two days. Somehow, I crossed some boundaries. He said that I’m disconnected to what happened to him.

Am I though? I’m grieving too, I was worried too, I cried a lot, and I probably cried way more than he did those past few weeks. If there is someone on this earth who is feeling concerned about HIM I can assure you that it’s ME, above everyone. I showed it on so many occasions…

When I learned that you were going to have brain surgery, I learned that my paperwork didn’t go well. I’m in a complicated situation and it has not changed. It’s even a bit worse. I cried most of that day, I felt weak.

And you know what? I sent to him the letter that I received (another messed up story, as usual) and he asked to call me. I was crying. He told me that you were going to have surgery because of the cyst they found in your brain.

I was a wreck. I was crying so much. I hung up, he didn’t text me, he seemed disconnected from my pain. He always kept his distance, and after the breakup, it became way too obvious.

Later that day I asked if he wanted to come to my place because I needed to see people. I also invited his sister. He said no. Once again, I needed him, and he refused. It was a brutal reality that I ignored for way too long.

That’s why I asked for my keys after your death. I knew that this time, he would let me go. I was right. It hurts. I miss him. But I did the right thing.

I want him to be my life partner, and keeping our friendship alive only makes me more and more in love with him. I just can’t deal with that sort of pain. I need to feel loved; I won’t find it with him around. He doesn’t love me. He never will, he said so himself. I had to let go of all my hopes and burn the bridge, but he had to do it. I have a lack of self control when it comes to him. I want his happiness so much; I want him to feel comfortable. I want to do everything I can for him, because it FUCKING BRINGS ME JOY TO SEE HIM SMILE. But now that it’s over, I can finally take care of myself. I chose me, for once. Every time I tried, he got mad, but this time, it’s over.

But you know what’s worse? If he decides to come back, I might say yes. But this time, I won’t accept breadcrumbs. Let’s just say that I will have to move on, he doesn’t miss people. The only time I heard him say that he was missing someone, it was you. I never had the courage to tell you this, because of her, you know. But anyway. I lost both of you in a short period of time, and the world is a lot colder now.