"I don't want to lose you" Then where are you?

A story of when a guarded woman let her guard down.

The reason why most of the time guarded women who have been in her situations don’t do this is because they have “heard” and “saw” the worse in the opposite sex. They carry those memories of being hurt, and never really want to feel vulnerable again. This woman has been through things that most people never even think up, or listen to her as if she is over dramatizing the situations she has been through. Most listen, she usually only gives the basic details as she feels they would never believe the full truth. The thing about this woman is that she doesn’t lie about what others have put her through. She tells her story now with pride instead of shame. She speaks up and never stops because she’s been silenced, by family, by friends and by partners. She’s been called annoying for ranting on about her life. Most look at her in shock while she smiles, a nervous habit. Everyone seems to put themselves first instead of ever thinking about her. She is always there when people need her, and never gets bitter when she has to handle life . She has been there for people who constantly break her trust because she knows what it’s like to deal with everything on her own. Usually she doesn’t even ask for help anymore, she figures it out alone.

To be the person who tries to break these walls that a guarded girl puts up, makes you a very special person to that woman. The moment you show her, or make her feel like she is not worth it anymore she will put them right back up. Those walls of safety she created to stop the hurt will become higher than before. It will make it more difficult for the next person or even you to break them down. She will question everything about herself until she feels bad. She will have to lift herself back out from the darkness of self and all those things people told her she was even though most of them were lies. She may look completely confident on the outside, she will be screaming at herself on the inside that again she wasn’t worth it, she wasn’t enough. Something she gets taught through years of speaking of her trauma and understanding herself is that she has to let this guard down. She learns that letting down your guard and being vulnerable is one of the most important things to do as a human. She also learns the boundaries to create around her guarded heart. What not to accept from people, what to accept but those things are very difficult, because most guarded women "feel” to much and can be “a lot” to handle given she will show you her disappointment. Some don’t, some will never tell you the truth to how they are feeling in the fear of being rejected and abandoned. She wasn’t this type of woman anymore, but admits she used to be. She learned how to communicate how she was feeling. Sometimes it's not the best communication because she is also fearful of confrontation. If you ever have a guarded woman open up to you or anyone shares their stories of trauma, understand they feel safe around you, they believe you care genuinely about them, and that you won’t just leave them one day. It will always come and go as a thought but they place faith in you not to repeat what others have done, leave. The woman in this story is a single mother of three beautiful beings. She has been through hell and back and can still put a smile on her face. She has no choice. Life started chaotic for her, she wasn’t brought up in the most loving environments and has had to heal herself from those wounds and the wounds that others cause. The choices she made because she didn’t understand what her trauma had caused. She doesn’t blame them anymore, she places blame on herself for not thinking before doing, and believing before seeing the actions of another. She has been through a few years of isolating herself to find herself again. Years of therapy to see that she is worth loving, living and being the best version of who she wants to be unapologetic about who she became due to trauma starting at a young age. We all need these things in order to let go, in order to trust again. Human’s can change this as life goes on. Some stay stuck.

All she ever wanted was someone to be vulnerable back, someone to communicate what they need and want from this life. No one seems to know the answer to this anymore, or what they’re intentions are with the person they want to be with. They all still grieve past lovers and hold onto things. She had to move past these things and work on them as a person in order to move forward in life. Knowing what she wants and not settling for what she doesn’t deserve. She has spent her life accepting things she doesn’t deserve. Thinking people are good with no negative intentions. Being selfless like she is and knowing that the past is the past and the future is something that you should look forward to. When you're stuck in past relationships you can’t do this, and you end up hurting the ones around you. Something she learned along the way. She feels as though maybe she didn’t listen when he first said “can we hang out as friends?”. She was more than willing to do so as friends were something she lost on her road to recovery. Everyone expected her to be who she was years ago, irrational, selfish, partying each weekend her kids were gone, not taking responsibility for her financial situation, and just being all over the place in life dropping friends and picking them back up knowing they were toxic out of pure loneliness. To be frank she rather be alone than deal with any of the above. Being alone gave her a sense of freedom she never thought she could accomplish because she always needed someone who never wanted them.

So there’s a little background of our guarded woman. She met him on a snowy night. They went out to a restaurant, something she didn’t like doing much social anxiety and being in public places was hard for her but she pushed through. She was constantly wondering if he could notice how anxious she was. Here sat in front of her what she saw as a gorgeous man, he was tall, handsome, his smile made her melt inside, he had beautiful eyes. He was in what she thought was his working clothing, he drove a white truck which gave him brownie points as no one she had met drove. He was polite and friendly and as the dinner date went on very intellectual. They spoke of life and past lovers, how they ended up on a dating site. He spoke about work and what he did for a living which made her feel inadequate as she didn’t work, she was a stay at home mom and at the time didn’t run her own business yet. They ate and talked until the bill came. Then she paid for dinner, said he could leave the tip and headed back to their trucks. He stood with her as she had a cigarette after dinner, he wasn’t a smoker and it was cold outside, but he still stood there anyway. They both said goodbye, he said we should do this again sometime. She mentioned at dinner that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, she wasn’t ready yet. She had yet to completely heal herself from the vicious relationship she had been in prior. She also met a few men through the first summer she moved. With whom she had met previous to him felt like men were all just playing games to find places to live, or were insecure to the max which was something she couldn’t handle and knew all too well with her past relationships. She knew that men with insecurity were not going to change them; they would make them her problem, or most of them that she had come across. Dating in her 30s was something very different, more difficult to find someone with values, not addicted to drugs or alcohol and not looking for just one night stands.

She never gave him her phone number, because she was so used to guys just ghosting her plus she also had shitty service in her home so she thought that continuing the conversation on the dating app until they may go on a few more dates would be the best route to go. He vanished one day. She wondered what she did wrong, but it was only one date so maybe he just didn’t like her. She was already trying to figure out who she was as a person and what she wanted from a relationship so it didn’t hurt so much that he just gave up on the conversation. She believed that people deserve someone who knew what they wanted, that is why she explained she didn’t want a relationship right now. After this she decided to get off dating sites it seemed like the one “normal” guy she met didn’t like her so she got tired of humans in general. She was no longer a drinker, she smoked joints thinking it helped her anxiety, but even that substance brought in a different type of person. At this point a friends told her to go through her ex’s and think of one who didn’t torture her through there relationship and reach out, see if that would work, one that knew what her past was and would be supportive instead of manipulative. She did just that. She learned a valuable lesson please also don’t try this, they are ex’s for a reason.

The next year he swiped right on her FB dating app, with curiosity of why on earth he would after ghosting her she swept right too. She was shocked, she thought he didn’t like her as he vanished. She asked him how dating was going for him, it was the same for her a whole bunch of bullshit and creepy people. He asked her if they could “hang out as friends?”. This was something she should have taken seriously from the beginning. At least she got one answer: he did not like her more than a friend. She thought to herself, maybe it’s only women who instantly see potential or like someone when they first meet them. When she met him she had an instant attraction. She wanted to see him more and spend time with him. Unfortunately, she never got that chance. He vanished, but here he was and maybe she should have said no. She didn’t because she already enjoyed his company on the first meeting last year, but she said yes because she didn’t have friends who were not online and that made her feel weird about herself. Since meeting him the year before she had changed so much, dug deeper into what she wanted, stopped going back and forth with the friends who were toxic, as well as spent the summer laughing with someone who became her friend. This friend also brought a lot of new trauma to the table that summer as well. She didn’t have “friends” just people she spoke to. She was interested in having a friend who lives closer. Who she already knew she seemed to get along with him and could have interesting conversations with him. She needed a friend, as well as wanted one who wasn’t going to use her. That took care of themselves, drove and had a worthy ethic as now she had her own, starting her own business in July. She had a past of having very manipulative friends and family members.

They spoke for a while just over text on messenger. He explained that he didn’t really want anything more than friends and maybe friends with benefits. She wasn’t interested in sex, she just wanted to find someone to complete everything she had created, all she was missing was her life partner. She was completely fine with just friends. Since she isn’t one to sleep with just anyone, and also had been quite some time between partners she often thought maybe it was time to be vulnerable and stop sheltering herself from something that could bring her pleasure while she continued to seek what she was looking for, but also wondered if she would be a “fuck and chuck” situation. She didn’t quite know if she was ready for just “fuck buddies” but often thought about how she could make that work. Keeping her boundaries would be the way to keep this without emotional attachment. She had been friends with benefits with another person for years until she was in a relationship and cut that person off because, well, that’s what anyone who has loyalty to a relationship and not someone who just wants causal sex does. She remembers how much communication there was involved in having friends with benefits. You have to respect each other, know if they are sleeping around so you can make the choice to keep it up or cut them off. The risk of STIs and the fear of attachment. She thought it most likely would be her this time even though in most of these situations she had been in it was the male party who became attached to her. She liked him when she first met him a year prior and often wondered during that time what he was up to in life. She never seems to forget people. She also often wondered what she needed to change about herself in order to attract a “normal” guy as she kept attracting addicts, homeless men, and narcissistic personality types while on the dating site.

He often told her how much he loved that she talked, he told her he was usually the one doing all the talking. She was very much a talker and never really shut up at times. She would send him long paragraphs of how her day went or just thoughts on other people. When he complimented liking how much she talked she was in disbelief. NO ONE enjoyed how much she spoke. She often used social media to go on rants because no one else would really be attentively paying attention. She spoke because of the people who silenced her for years. She was being her authentic self that she had learned to be within the years. She was open on what she felt, the interactions she had with others and often questioned things. She looked for how he viewed situations and people. He often just listened, he answered sometimes with his opinions and experience. When she was at low points as she went through seasonal depression and it was winter time again, he always answered in a manner that was what her own therapists would say. His communication skills were extremely amazing when it came to how she saw herself and how she felt about herself. He was very supportive and that was surprisingly attractive to her as she never met a man who seemed to want to say things like “You have changed” “I’m proud of you for making that choice for yourself” the previous would beat her down with their words and tell her she’s dramatic. She often called herself dramatic, but he never agreed with it. Only gave another view of how it could be, or why she saw it that way. She loved speaking with him. She never felt so free to just say whatever was on her mind without judgement. The only question he ever asked her that made her feel odd was if she owned an OnlyFans account. When they started talking he had asked to see her tattoos, and since they were all over she sent him a picture that showed the tattoos without revealing her boobs or naked self. She did not own an OnlyFans, and he said he bet people would pay her for photos but she explained her reasoning. She had two young daughters and would be horrified if they ever did this. She respected herself and didn’t want perverts asking her for pictures or videos of her naked body. She had seen this fad happening all over her Instagram, women all of a sudden were naked promoting their OnlyFans page. She had to mute a lot of her female following; she was tired of seeing half baked women who she knew had children. She felt if a woman wanted to present themselves in that way to each their own but she was not one who wanted to be known for this. Her body was to be respected, even when she decided to have intimacy back in her life she wanted that person to respect her body.

They often spoke about the friends with benefits aspect of things, if she was willing. She had told him what her rules are in those types of relationships. She asked what he was but he said he didn’t have any. He was unsure. At this point they had been talking for about a month, she enjoyed the conversation and that she could be open with everything she thought with him. She did think about the friends with benefits part, but she feared the unknown. Would he just stop talking to her. He made her smile with each and every message she got even if they hadn’t made plans to meet yet she was content just speaking to him. She asked him what his likes and dislikes were when it came to intimacy, he wasn’t very open and or didn’t know. He spoke of being with a married woman once not knowing she was married. She had been in similar situations before finding out the person was taken. They both seemed to not like being in situations like that. He told her how long it had been since he was with someone, it was much longer than her. She wasn’t completely sure she was even ready to be with someone else. Even when she had her ex back in her life she feared sex and never did it with him. She was abused sexually in her previous relationship before she had moved away and had all the extra stuff to deal with when it came to him. She didn’t know what sex would even be like. She forgot the feeling, how to start the process, and felt like a teenager when it came to this subject. A teenager crushing on a guy she was speaking to online. She got butterflies in her stomach whenever they spoke of this. Whenever he would compliment her on her appearance, or anything at all. She started staring at her body more and more in the mirror. She remembered all the awful things men had said she needed to fix. Bigger boobs, tummy tuck, lose weight you will be prettier and she had been losing weight because of an unknown illness she was soon to be diagnosed with. It was 18 months that her doctors noticed she was losing weight rapidly. Her blood work came back fine, they took out her Gull-Bladder thinking that was the reasoning. She felt ugly without her clothing on. She would stop eating in hopes maybe losing more weight would help, if they ever did do it then at least he may like her body. She hated it and obsessed over whether he would hate it too. It was something she didn’t really know how to deal with, she had always been a bigger girl, and now she was half that size. She accepted herself when she was a bigger girl, but now that she was smaller with extra skin from being big her whole life it was a different story. She felt like he would think the skin was gross, or that her boobs were saggy, she had no bum left which when she was a big girl the men liked that about her shape. She tried to re train her brain to love her body, but battled it often. She also was left with many scars on her stomach from surgeries, what if he didn’t like those? There were so many what ifs that she often just thought let’s be friends. She was driving herself insane on wanting to be sexy in his eyes when she was or if she ever got naked in front of him.

Last winter, she had a photographer come in to do a boudoir photography session with her. This was her second winter in this house and she remembered how amazing it made her feel. She booked another maybe this would help her stop over thinking and just accept her body as she did the year previous. She never realized how beautiful she looked until she had that photo shoot. She went out and bought herself her first lingerie piece as she was much smaller than 2X she wore last winter. She was excited the photos were amazing. She shared a few of her not completely naked, nor did she get completely naked for this shoot as she was too scared. Winter is also an aspect. She did however take her top half off and run around in her undies this year. A step up from last. She saw a beautiful woman. He complimented her photos and she felt that maybe he doesn’t care about her skin, or how her body had changed. She decided to accept his request for being friends with benefits after this. The only fear she had was getting attached, but she also knew how to detach herself. It had become easier as people often left her life and she had no choice but to do so.

They made plans for said arrangement when her children went to their grandparents house for a week, and she decided since they talked more about a friends with benefits situation she would just wear a robe and some cute bra and undies. While waiting for him she started to get nervous about the situation, she asked him to bring coffee, he wasn’t passing any coffee shops so offered for them to go get coffee first. She felt like a complete idiot, but was more stalling and getting time in to see if this was what she really wanted to do. She didn’t want him to reject her. She started to over think her body again. When he arrived she saw the same handsome guy she saw last year. He came wearing casual clothing and a hat. She felt like he was a 10 and she was a 1 in looks. They had more amazing conversation while she drove, and yes in her robe to the coffee shop. She was surprised at things he said about himself, about life and about humans in general. She felt like he wasn’t just going to bang her once and leave or ghost her. She needed that time to see if he was the same person he showed her a year ago. She did admit that she doesn’t just jump into bed with people she had not got to known a bit more, he said they didn’t have to have sex if she didn’t want to. When they got back from coffee she led him to her bedroom and they sat laughing at ridiculous videos. He talked about the ones he watched on Tik Tok and she showed him yelling goats surprised he hadn’t seen them before they laughed and with each laugh and word she felt more comfortable around him. She turned off the lights took off her robe and laid down next to him. She was anxious, she had lost so much weight over the year since she last saw him. She didn’t like her body and was fearful he wouldn’t either. He complained of his back being sore. She offered him a massage because she knew she was somewhat good at giving those. They then just cuddled for a bit talking about life. He kept his clothes on while she laid next to him in her bra and underwear. He played with the strap of her bra and she just laid with her arm around him. She hadn’t been touched in so long that this was just as pleasurable as sex itself. He needed to leave as he was getting tired and falling asleep. He apologized for the lack of sex, he was tired. She was fine with it, she doesn’t like to force things that weren’t supposed to happen and believes that things happen if they are meant to. She walked him out and he stood with her for a cigarette. He wasn’t a smoker but he stood and talked a bit more. Apologizing for being tired. She assured him that it wasn’t a problem. She just enjoyed the fact that she got to cuddle with him. It was even better than sex itself. To be able to have conversations, laugh and cuddle with him was even more satisfying that night. She never experienced this euphoric feeling before, listening to someone’s heart beating next to her, listening to them speak and herself just being vulnerable enough to take off her robe. She felt amazing and even without sex was completely satisfied with how the night went. She felt respected even though he may have just been tired, he also didn’t just jump into bed with her like everyone else wanted to. She put back on her robe and walked him out, he stood again while she had a cigarette, and they hugged goodbye. She told him to drive safe, and he messaged her when he got home which made her happy knowing he made it safely.

They kept speaking over messenger when he was available as he has a busy life building motors and putting together mechanical things. She never really understood when he explained what he was doing but he was more than willing to explain in “people terms” versus “mechanical terms”. She thought it was so interesting that he could take apart a motor and put it back together. She didn’t have the amount of patience that she thought that would take and admired him for the fact he could do that. She thought it must be such a feeling of pride to say “I built this”. They decided to go out for dinner the next time they saw each other. Which she made as the weeks that her children were gone to their grandparents, not that she had issues with him meeting him. She just wanted to get to know him better and know that he wasn’t planning on leaving her life as her friend, her kids often said “everyone leaves even your friends” and she didn’t want to put them through that again. She never told him this, she just said she preferred to meet with him alone a few more times before bringing him over to meet them even though they were just friends. She also knows that sometimes meeting kids is weird for some people he never said it was, but she had also been in those situations before. They went out again and got taken out as the pandemic doesn’t really allow for people to be able to eat inside. They got back to her house and spoke of concerts and how they loved similar music when they were younger. He was also in a band which she thought was so cool. Though they went to shows in different places they were able to connect on how those shows were similar. He seemed to have given up on his dreams to play music to get a more practical career, she always wondered if she would ever get to see him play an instrument. They spoke even more over messenger, he seemed to make more time to speak with her, she was so excited to speak to him every day. Some days less than others but either way she was happy to know that he was speaking a bit more than when they first spoke. As well she respected that he worked and was busy. Most of the men she spoke to didn’t work, she felt as if she needed to constantly be speaking with them or they would be upset with her. She wondered if maybe this could go further than just dinners, she didn’t ask about sex as he seemed to just want to speak about life, people and music. The more they spoke the more she began to like him more than a friend, she had to shut this down as she knew he only wanted to be her friend. How do you turn off how you feel? She was always excited to speak with him. Wondering if he thought about her often, what he was working on, and just couldn’t keep herself from not thinking about him. She couldn’t wait to see him again, she couldn’t wait to have more in person conversation, and give him a hug. She often felt like she was being a bother when she would message him. He always told her he was not, that he just might not be able to get back to her right away as his work kept him busy.

One day, as she was driving home from town, he messaged her in the morning. First, he mentioned that the reason he didn’t have or hasn’t tried to have sex with her is because he didn’t feel that was the way to keep her in his life. He didn’t want to lose her from it. He gave her a whole ton of compliments on why he liked her and she automatically felt so confused. She thought they were just friends. She didn’t know he felt this way or looked at her in this manner. She was happy that he did as she started to have those types of feelings for him, wondering what could happen instead of what was happening. Wondering if he could be a part of her family, if he wanted to get married one day, all those things you start to question with a long term partner. She kept this all to herself since he only wanted to be her friend. She never asked him these types of questions because that’s not what friends do. She was so lost in her own thoughts and of what he had just said to her, she also couldn’t answer him properly until she got home. She was almost home, she gave one worded answers like ok. He wanted to know her actual feelings on what he was saying, she was going to answer just 5 minutes away from home. Again lost in her own thoughts of what just was said to her she ended up hitting ice on her road and her vehicle went right into a snowbank. Well, now she had the time to answer. She was stuck in a snowbank, took out a mailbox, and an address sign. She was shaking. Told him she had just been in an accident and showed photos of what has just happened. The truck seemed fine other than the mirror. He offered to help fix what he can, and spoke with her as she waited for someone to pull her out. She called CAA and they would be an hour. She was still confused by his messages and she knew the best thing to do was ask. So she asked was this the conversation where she should start looking for someone else or was he implying that he sees long term potential in this connection they made this year. She also asked what his intentions were with her. He sent a shrug shoulder emoji and told her if she wanted to see others that was her choice but he also did see potential. Again, confusing but she explained that she liked him and hadn’t even been speaking with others, she wanted to see what happened but also didn’t want to rush things, as in the past she was quick to settle. She was now in the mindset to know the person beforehand and also was the type of girl who only committed to even speaking to one man at a time. This thing they call serial dating was too exhausting for her. She smiled HUGE that day even though she got into an accident thinking that her feelings of wanting him in her life as more than a friend was also something he wanted. They seemed to be on the same page, relationship goals, but slowly. This was something she was hoping for. She wanted these feelings of liking him to be returned and now she got that confirmation. Though she had to deal with her accident she still had that euphoric smile on her face thinking of the possibility of a future with him. She didn’t have to seek out and be bothered with finding someone else. She had gotten off of the dating app anyway knowing she wasn’t interested in anyone else at this time. She was so happy.

One day, she asked if she could borrow straps as she had already made plans to pick up a new bed for her daughter. Since she had just been in an accident her straps were in her truck which was being fixed. She asked her neighbors first but they didn’t reply or did not have them. He seemed more than willing to meet her to get them, and she could return them when they made their next dinner plans. When meeting him for straps the conversation confused her. He spoke of other women messaging him, he spoke of how irritating single moms could be to meet as they have no time. She was a single mom so this hurt her. She made time for him even though she had three children. She even invited him to meet them. These women he spoke of being single moms also let their children pick and choose if they go to the other parents home. She thought maybe she didn’t understand the dynamics between exes with children, or how children handled these situations as he did not have children yet. He spoke of girls from a different province who still try to contact him to make plans knowing that they would cancel at the last second. That seemed mean, why would he make those plans even if he knew she would back out. She felt really odd, why did he tell her he liked her if he was engaging with other women, seeming to keep his options open. She wasn’t talking to others, and when random people from past conversation tried to start new ones she would tell them she was interested in someone and be honest with them. She also told him when this happened as she hated it. She felt like the past was constantly knocking on her door but she kept closing them. She felt like she was placed right back into the friend zone. He was so open and vulnerable with her about his feelings about her. Did he say all this stuff just to keep her close? She doesn’t care when a partner or potential partner has female friendships, but these were random girls he had been speaking to along the way. He also spoke of how hard it was for us to date these days, or how people are married and or just plain fucked up. She didn’t know how to take this conversation so she just listened. Feeling like he had changed his mind about her. How could he truly like her if he still wanted to speak or make plans with other people even if they were cancelling on him? What if they didn't? She questioned everything but kept silent. She didn’t want to be that girl who stopped him from doing what he wanted or by being clingy when they were not in a “status” relationship. They were just two people getting to know each other, who she thought liked each other enough not to be looking for someone else. She thought maybe she should just give him some space, she remembered when she asked him what his intentions were the little emoji he sent. She drove home feeling a sense of dread like it was all some fairy tale of what she wanted to hear versus what he actually wanted. Did he like her? Was she unique and interesting, why would he say all these things just to speak of other women he seemed upset he never met before. She felt this overwhelming sadness. She didn’t hate this feeling of being put back into the friend zone. She wondered what she did, did she do something to make him not like her anymore.

Why was she updateable because she had her shit together with kids. They had a conversation before about whether she had the ability to have more. Yes she did but not in the traditional way. She would have to use IVF. She remembers telling him all about how her one ex forced her into hormone testing and to see if she could still have kids. Just to tell her she was the one being pushy. She explained she didn’t know if she even wanted more kids. Was this what changed his mind? Did he want kids of his own, he did say one day. She could give him one if he was willing to go through that process she had already gone through it. If he didn’t like single moms and wanted his own family why did he tell her he liked her? What was going on. With each word he spoke about women she became more and more confused on why he would even like her. He often used the phrase “you are different” but she wasn’t any different than the single moms he spoke of. She often didn’t meet men before him because they had weird living situations and she didn’t want them to meet the man before she got to know them or she was in a relationship with the person. She often didn’t have time. She worked from home doing her business and taking on her kids being online at school. She didn’t have the drama of having her kids father around like some women do. Sometimes it’s not dramatic but in this generation most are fighting and keeping the kids as pawns in the middle. It’s unfair, she was lucky enough to have financial support

from their father. Just not the visitation. He had given her full permanent custody and opted out of visitation because of his mental health. She couldn’t sleep that night wondering what had happened. She messaged him and told him that maybe they should just be friends. “Why do you have to be so black and white” he said. She thought to herself, she has learned to not think that way. Things aren’t black and white. She told him she had to start driving to an appointment and they could talk about it later. He seemed upset that she was unable to have the conversation she started right away. She was not expecting that he would be answering as it was mid day and usually she doesn’t hear from him until the night time. She just didn’t see how he could like her if he felt a certain way about women, and single moms. They didn’t have this conversation until later when she asked him what he meant by the things he said, and he just said he didn’t remember where he was going with that. The lack of communication is what left her with so many thousands of thoughts. Why did he say these things, but not want to speak of them again. She let it go, she told him they should be friends so that’s what I would be.

They continued the conversation on messenger, it got sexual at times she wasn’t really wanting a friend with benefits as she had already had feelings, confusing feelings but also was a normal human being with desire for intimacy. She missed cuddling with him. That was the best time she had the first meeting they had. He often spoke of needing a massage she was willing but he was busy. She offered for him to meet his kids. They made fun of her every time she smiled at her phone “ooooh is it him” are you guys going to be together, is he your new boyfriend, what’s he like, can we meet him. She always told them no they were just friends. They wanted to meet the man who seemed to lift their mother into smiles instead of tears. Even though she was confused on what he wanted he still made her smile and teenage like when he messaged him, because he was busy. She understood he seemed to have a ton of work on his plate and she didn’t want to push him away even though she wanted to see him way more than she had been. She looked forward to the conversations they did have, one day he messaged her about why people don’t come back, why no one had ever tried to fix things. She thought he was wanting advice. She tried giving it instead of listening with open ears. He needed someone to listen, not speak or give advice. She was bad at this her whole life. She needed to come up with solutions and had issues with just listening to someone rant, even though most of her time was spent ranting. She decided to be vulnerable. She had kept a journal as she has since she was 15. In it she had written what she wanted to see happen, how she felt, and how confused she had become in this situation. He wrote back that he had been hurt and that is why only being friends was best. So she put on her friend cap. Though she wanted more she knew relationships were not forced. That people needed the time to figure out what they wanted, and right now he didn’t want a relationship with her, it seemed not even later. Just friends like he said when they first started speaking. The conversation got slower. Most days they spoke a few sentences some days she ranted on and he answered while she was sleeping. She asked if while they are friends of they could cuddle? He said yeah the next time her kids were gone. He also brought back up the idea of friends with benefits, she said she was interested in this and reminded him of her boundaries. He said he would not be happy if she was doing it with others, she agreed and felt the same if he did she became more confused. This seemed to be so complicated, but she enjoyed his company. She didn’t want to lose him as a friend first and foremost.

After this, they made plans to go out for dinner. They were finally able to eat somewhere. Finally she would get to eat Nachos again! She was excited. At this time, she was also dealing with going in and out of hospital with random pains that she could not control with over the counter medication and prescription medications from the hospital. The specialist her doctor told her to go to mentioned that if driving is a problem that makes her hands flare then she should only drive if necessary. She had told him about this, she had not been diagnosed with anything but was told to slow down. She asked if it would be ok with him to drive on this dinner night. She also mentioned she does drive but only when she really needed to. He didn’t seem to mind picking her up. She didn’t ask a specific time as usually he was around in the later evening. She mentioned what time the restaurant closed and assumed that he was going to be around on time to go sit inside, if not she was happy with take out as well. She just enjoyed his company at the end of the day. That’s the enjoyment she got when they went out together being able to laugh and have conversations. As the evening became later and later she wondered to herself if he was going to be a no show, or if he was going to message he couldn’t make it. When it became around the time they would only be able to get taken out she decided to message him and find out if they were still going out. He was on his way. They were unable to get their usual take out and went to a fast food drive thru. She was content with this. He paid for her dinner as she had mentioned with her vehicle needing to be paid for being in an accident she was not going to have her “fun money” that she usually had to go out or to buy activities for her and her children to do. Her grandmother taught her that everyone should have a few $20s per month to be able to do something they like. She did have the money to pay for her own meal after getting in an order for her small business and did offer but he paid for their meal. They ate in the vehicle she thought they would be going to her house like they usually do, but that was not the case. She enjoyed her dinner with him that night even if it seemed brief. He drove her home, and went home. She told him to drive safe and to text her when he got home. He texted that he wrecked the night. She didn’t believe he did what he didn’t understand that even just seeing him was perfectly fine with her dinner was a plus. She told him he didn’t wreck the night and he stopped talking for the night. She disliked when he just shut down on her. She enjoyed the evening. She didn’t care if they ate out of a garbage can or didn’t eat at all.

What she never understood is why he believed she was upset at things like this. She was a very easy going woman who just wanted to spend time with him for dinner or not. She could have made them dinner but he had always declined saying he didn’t want her to do all that work just for him. She was willing and loved making food. She also enjoyed going out with him as well but it wasn’t an essential thing for her, just being around him made her happy. Listening to his opinions on things like how the world has become. Politics, something she was never able to speak about with someone else without them needing to he right, if there was ever a difference in opinions with politics he never shoved his views down her throat like most people do even though he was highly interested and knowledgeable in that category. He taught her a lot of things she didn’t know from the past, present and future that she had no clue about and she loves learning and gaining new information. He also was very open about his past relationships and how women had made him feel. It was similar to herself without the domestic violence portion. He had been emotionally abused, also had huge expectations put towards him to change and be what those women wanted, or used for sex by a married person. Also, women were never loyal to him because of his work. He worked long hours and out of province to find out that the woman he was with couldn’t just wait for him to be home they seemed to seek out intimacy with others. That wasn’t fair, and she knew how that felt. Two of her partner’s cheated, including the father of her children. He seemed very upset with women, and he has every right to be. She started to see why he throws himself into his work, doesn’t pay much attention to his phone and it seemed like once he opened up about his past hurt, he slowly lessened the conversation with her. She often invited him randomly to have home made dinner with her and her kids, but he already had plans. She was definitely one who was spontaneous, he is one who is more routine and planning. She understood, you can’t just

invite someone a few hours beforehand and get mad if they already had plans. She was starting to wonder if she should give up. He told her once he was easy to get over but she wasn’t feeling that way about him, she wanted him to be around. She wanted the conversation back. She wanted to tell him how she felt about him but she felt that again she needed to be his friend. She saw a future but that seemed to be slowly taken away on his side. He hasn't hugged her since the first time they met. They didn’t spend time at her house, just went out for dinner and then went home. He seemed to be getting more and more distant. On this drive he did speak more of his last ex. She could see how this would make him not want to spend the time in a relationship. She hurt him. He wanted to marry her but then she broke up with him. She was starting to hate the way women had become. She wanted nothing from him other than affection, loyalty, respect and communication. She didn’t want his money. When he spoke of his ex spending time at his shop, she wanted to do that. When she had no orders she had all the time in the world to sit with him while he built things. She was interested in what he did and how he did it. She loved that about him. That he could build something from another. Putting things together from many different parts and vehicles. She was proud of him for completing complex things he told her were difficult. He often sent her photos of what he was working on. Though again, she didn’t understand what he was doing, he dumbed it down so she would understand. He was such a special person, but she didn’t believe he thought this way about himself. She assumed that women made him feel this way, she wished she knew the words to say to him to make him know she was special in her eyes. Again, they were only friends. She just wanted it to be more. Her feelings were at times hurt by him, she often thought about what he said and why that had changed.

She started to change her bed schedule so she could have the chance to talk with him. It was usually late at night when she would normally be sleeping, but the conversation got lesser and lesser. She tried to rationalize that he is busy, he is working, he is tired from working. She put so much understanding in what he needed but still felt like he lost interest, or was slowly losing interest. It hurt a bit since the things he said about her she wanted to hear for years. Anytime she ever asked her previous partners what they liked about her they would respond with “I just like you” never giving her those specific qualities that they enjoyed about her. She always wondered but never asked. He often spoke of women who would snap at him, freak out if he doesn’t answer. So she tried patience, giving him the space he needed. Even though she did want a bit more attention from him. Or at least a message saying how busy he was but thinking of her. One night she sent him a sexual text to come over. She was alone and in that kind of mood to engage in intimacy. He thought she was joking and by the time he replied she was sleeping. They talked again about the friends with benefits situation. He told her the next time her kids were away that they could do that. She didn’t want to have sex with a stranger, she felt comfortable around him and safe. She felt that he respected her as he never made her feel pressure into having sex with him. They also made plans to go out for dinner. He asked if she would need to be picked up again, she felt as if it was her fault they didn’t get to eat inside with the extra driving he had to do shaved off time. She said no she could drive herself this time so that they would be able to eat inside. It had been a full year since she ate inside a restaurant. The last time she ate in a restaurant was with him on that snowy night. also knew that if she took the prescription medications that it wouldn’t affect her instantly the next day if she drove. If they were going to engage in sex after like she assumed then her body would also be ready for that and not just randomly break down. She had the plan to manage the pain before the flare up. She started her medication two days before the day of dinner. This date she put on her nice bra and matching undies and curled her hair. She felt beautiful. She was nervous about sitting in a restaurant after covid-19 being a barrier, she didn’t know how things worked. Did they wear masks until their food came? What were the rules on sitting inside?

Like usual dinner was great, and so was the conversation. He spoke more about his family dynamics as she was going through one with her mother. They laughed and had a great evening. He even spoke about a day trip to a different city a long drive away so he could show her a place he liked. He was making future dinner plans for summer that made him smile on the inside. She thought he would be coming over after dinner but that didn’t happen. She thought they were going to cuddle but she drove home feeling like it was all again things she wanted to hear. She messaged him when she got home that she was home safe and he said the same. He had mentioned he was tried again at dinner. She thought maybe that was his way of saying he wasn’t going to come over. She told him to have a good sleep remembering that he mentioned that at dinner time. The conversation ended. She started to become emotional. She didn’t want to be this ping pong ball of yes, no, yes, no that he seemed to be doing. She thought maybe he wasn’t trying to be this way but it was how she was feeling. She tried to go to sleep, she couldn’t stop thinking she deserves to know what he wanted from her. A friend, a friend with benefits, a girlfriend, long term, just a dinner buddy? Around 1 am she sat before she attempted sleep and wrote out exactly what she was feeling. He responded with wow, I don’t know what to say. In her mind she was screaming “I just want to know what you want” Sex? Friendship? Long term, what. They had gone around in circles with this subject for so long now she didn’t even know what he wanted. He told her all I seem to do is hurt you. Yes this was true but only because he never communicated what it was he wanted. She was always talking and telling him what she wanted, she started to think she was communicating this property? She was doing what he wanted of her being her friend. She explained that she did this to herself. She kept her hope that what he said the day she got into the accident was real, that he wanted to know her and eventually be with her. She was fine with just being his friend but he kept opening and closing other doors. Friends with benefits being one of them, he often said he liked her and complimented her things she never had a male friend do. Is this something they do? She cried herself to sleep that night. She was sad that things were shifting and felt like it was all her fault. She started to think about things and what she knew to be true. If people want to be a part of your life they make time. He was making time for dinners but never for conversation anymore. He always thought she was mad at him, but she never was just disappointed that she had been wrong again on what he wanted and what she thought was going to happen. Slowly they drifted apart from conversation. This made her go through a depression stage. Her children often asked if she was sad that he wasn’t talking to her anymore. She couldn’t let them know this. She blamed her pains. She blamed the weather and felt like a complete loser for allowing herself to feel this sad.

She would try random conversation, he would read or say one word answers. She got diagnosed with a long term illness he said oh that’s not good. There was no caring anymore. She fucked up somehow. She pushed him away with her honesty or at least that’s how she felt about it. She is known to be an aggressive person with her words, but that night she spent an hour going over what she was going to say, keeping it simple and uncomplicated. She had never been one to do this, she just wanted to know, when he told her he never knew he had been doing this she often thought back to the other conversations they had. All he had to say was he wasn’t interested in her in a commitment manner he was her friend and that they will not be engaging in being friends with benefits. She never really got an answer to why he went back and forth. He just apologized for it. The conversation stopped. She checked in with him every so often with lack of reply, or that he was extremely busy. She never woke up to messages of hey or anything anymore. I guess when he said he liked her even though she was a strong and sometimes intimidating woman he didn’t. She decided to dye and chop off all her hair. She didn’t want to attract anyone anymore. It was one of those things she did when rejected. She got her eyelashes done and decided if this was how she felt after this, that she must have more work to do on herself. Hearing him say I don’t want to lose you from her life, then losing him was the biggest stab in her heart. It was time to isolate. She wasn’t good enough.

She met one other man for coffee that she had pushed to the side for him. She hadn’t spoken to this guy in months as she thought things were going to be serious. He was willing to go for coffee. He was back and forth with his ex. They met for coffee and he seemed okay. He didn’t work but got a job within a day of meeting her. He didn’t drive. He had a criminal record and she told him she didn’t like that about him that they would only ever be friends. She wasn’t going to deal with criminals. She told him what had happened to her with men and that she just wanted friends now. She was done looking for a relationship as the one person who made her feel like she was worth it let her down. She didn’t talk much about her experiences in life with this guy she didn’t want anyone to know anything about her. She had changed. She was very much afraid of this happening all over. Feeling bad also makes her do stupid things. This guy had a way of speaking to her that made her believe that bringing a friend over shouldn’t matter that she made mistakes with the one she was not over because she only allowed him around her without her kids. It wasn’t completely true she invited him many times. The kids wanted to meet him. This guy told her that she was basically that girl he kept on the side while he spoke to other women. She told him she just missed cuddling with him. Wanted him to talk to her again, this guy took advantage of her vulnerabilities again using his words against her. He said he would cuddle no funny business. She believed him and a few days after their coffee brought him home. He sexually assaulted her. She instantly asked to drive him home. She was horrified and drove around for hours. During this time she got a message from the one she actually liked. She told him to run away, she’s drama and was puking at the side of the road and contemplating murder. She knew she would never do something like that. She knew there was nothing she could do. The guy already told her no one would believe her anyway that she was just on of those women who regretted sex. She knew she said NO. He took her 3 years away from her. He took what she was so afraid of. She was a mess driving around not even knowing where she was, where she was going.

She got another message “call me”. She didn’t want to talk to him, how was he supposed to help, what could he say. He didn’t want her. He hardly even spoke to her anymore. Why did he even care? She told him she didn’t have his number. Thinking this would make him leave her alone. He didn't text the number and said to call him. She had changed her number and he didn’t have hers yet. She breathed and vomited some more at the side of the road. Got back into her truck and called him. He asked what happened. She didn’t want to say it. She didn’t want him to know. She thought he would assume she wanted it. She drove listening to him tell her how she was an amazing person. Thinking to herself ya then why don’t you like me anymore than? She listened to him and he calmed her down with his words of how men act. She finally told him what happened. She laughed through her tears. It's what she did when she was nervous, scared and traumatized. Most likely why most don’t take her seriously. She asked for a hug, but he wasn’t in the area. He was at his home in Toronto. She just needed a hug. She told him that he was ok maybe next time. Shortly after more of his talking about how men are and how it isn’t her fault this happened. She kept telling him it HAS to be if it keeps happening. He was on his way north. He left his house at some point and was in Whitby. She didn’t understand he just said he just got home why would he be coming north. She asked if he could stop in a town before where he lived and give her a hug. He said yes but he will be a while as he was about an hour away at that point. She got herself a coffee and chocolate milk. And parked. They kept speaking the whole time he drove she couldn’t stop blaming herself. He kept telling her that she should focus on herself. She told him of a program that she applied for. Later on found out that she applied too late and it was filled. Then there he was. I guess that’s what friends do? Drive two hours to console a friend who was just taken advantage of. She sat and just couldn’t believe he drove to her. He spoke of maybe her trying eHarmony or a dating site where men weren’t looking for hookups. It was 2:30am. He looked exhausted, she knew she was. He gave her a half hug. She knew that she just vomited a bunch of times so god only knows how she was smelling etc. They left after her dog decided to run after the only other car in the parking lot leaving. Said goodbye and drove home.

Some days later, he started a conversation about how he just wanted to go out and be a slut. She told him to go get em tiger. She was dealing with what had happened as well as jealousy of him not wanting her. She told him I’ve offered and I’m not asking again. She didn’t understand anything anymore. They’re conversations were minimal, if at all. She assumed he was out fucking women now. That seemed like what he wanted to do. Everyone but her. Frustrated with whether they were even friends or if she should just leave him alone at this point she got up the nerve to ask him what was going on. Should she give up and stop talking or should she continue and he was just busy as he said he was, she told him even though they had never actually been in a relationship she was having a hard time letting go. He told her that they would talk about this later, that he had just been thinking about her and missed her but he was out for dinner. The conversation never came back. They never spoke of what was going on or what he wanted from this. She invited him to her birthday. He said yes and told her he could be there for noon as he sleeps in on Sunday. She explained her grandmother was bringing cake and the day, and she would be making some kind of food.

The day before she asked if he was going to be coming. He had new plans, but was willing to drive to see her that morning. Trying to be understanding she told him not to stress save gas and enjoy the day. From a previous conversation he had about his family she knew that it would be a stressful day and he should sleep in. He got upset accused her of pushing him away. That was not her intentions but in text maybe it did look that way. She was grocery shopping when he messaged he wouldn’t be coming for the festivities and only could pop in to say hello that day. She explained she was trying to be understanding not pushing. She asked if she could meet him for coffee in the morning closer to him, so that it was less stressful, he didn’t answer. The next day said happy birthday. She said thanks the conversations we’re getting less and less. He told her he had a shitty day on her birthday and wanted to call the next day and tell her about it. He never called. She knew at this point she had to give up. He obviously didn’t want her in his life. He no longer seemed afraid to lose her. He is a busy person and she knew that she needed more communication, even from just a friend. She felt bad that they seemed to not even be friends anymore. She felt it was all her fault. They ended up having another longer conversation a few days after over price of scrap her wanting to run away to another province she had nothing here only her grandmother. She wanted to pack up her kids and start new she felt so hurt by everything, she was also depressed at her new diagnosis. He seemed in that conversation to still want to be apart of her life. She didn’t ever really know what he wanted. The conversation then just got left on read, or wasn’t answered at all. She guesses she’s got to let go he seemed to.

She never wanted to feel this way, she tried her best to be his friend but sometimes you cannot help who you like. It just happens. She tried her best to keep up the conversation . She was always honest with him. She told him everything about herself, her past, her days, what weird things were happening, what kind of choices she had to make in her future. Day in and day out just wanting back that first meeting of laughter and cuddling, or friendship without judgement. Wanting him to continue to be that guy who made her feel less inadequate in life and more worth living it. He seemed to always be there when she needed someone to talk to now just by standard in her life from afar. Things change. Maybe he found someone better. She tried to ask but never got the answer. She knows that sometimes things will just go unanswered and accepting that is the best. She has good memories and that is something she can keep. No matter what, for a period in her life he made her feel worth something. Even if it was just using his words, what she learned was actions speak louder. She often wishes he would just show up, say he’s sorry for ignoring her. Explain what happened and why they are now just strangers who like each other’s FB posts. She misses him some days. She misses talking to him, going out with him, the thought of what could have been. She lives with the reality of what is. They have once again become strangers.