I need to begin this story by saying that I'm not bad mouthing anyone who has dreamed of getting married and having kids their whole lives. That's beautiful. Having kids is a selfless gesture and the most pure thing you can do. Giving up your life to raise another life is a beautiful thing. I admire those who do it. But honestly? It's not for me. I don't want it. I don't want kids or a wife or husband. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to make a nursery in anticipation of a little one arriving. I don't want any of that. Now to those that do, I admire you. I admire that your hearts desire is to raise another human and teach them all kinds of stuff. I admire that you want to see your kid go off to college and get married and all that. But that's not for me. I don't want to have kids. It's never been on my heart. I don't want a family of my own. At least a human family anyway. I would however love a fur family. I'd love to have a house full of dogs and cats. I'd love to let them play in my fenced in yard while I have breakfast. I'd love to snuggle with them during a thunderstorm or while watching a movie. I'd love to take my dogs on a hike or for a run. I'd love to go swimming with my dogs or camping with all my pets. That's my hearts desire. I don't want human kids. I will love each and every one of my pets the same way a mother loves her child. Unconditionally. I will love them so much and so hard. I will take joy in them and roll my eyes when they do something silly. I will mourn their death when it's time and grieve the loss for a while. I will never forget them. I will simply just try and move on. Now as far as marriage is concerned. I don't want to get married. That requires a level of closeness that I'm neither comfortable with nor ready for. All of my dating experiences have been negative or abusive. I don't believe I'll ever trust someone that deeply or love them that much ever again. I gave someone my heart and they broke it and abused it. I'm not doing that again. I don't want to pick out a wedding dress only to get hurt again potentially. I don't want to have a wedding party or a wedding. I don't want to give my life to someone. To those that do, I completely understand why you would want to do that. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm just saying it's not for me. I need to heal. I need to figure out who I am. I need to get control of my life, heart and emotions. I need to see the world. I need to learn how to be alone and how to support myself. I need to become stronger and less angry. I need to soften my heart. I need to understand what a healthy relationship is and how to treat people. I can't do that in a marriage. I can't expect someone else to wait for me either. That's not fair. I would end up hurting them as well. I need to learn to speak up. I need to learn how to be stronger in my convictions and stop thinking that all I do is mess up. I need to for all intents and purposes: heal.