F&ck Virginity

Trigger warning: IF anyone gets triggered by talks of sexual intercourse or sexual assault please don't read this post. I've written so many others.

Losing your virginity is a huge deal, It's the first time you connect with someone on such an intimate level. Your sharing energy with that person and they will forever have your virginity. You can't take it back. It's not a shirt. Which is why it should be handled with care and not given away to just anyone. I'd also like to clarify that there is absolutley no rush to lose it, you do it whenever your ready. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing it. Don't do it because you feel like you have to or you feel like someone won't love you if you don't. I'd like to tell you a story of a girl who lost her v-card to someone who left her with years of trauma to heal from. Who left her so broken she wasn't quite sure who she was anymore. That girl was me. I was 21 when I lost my virginity. I lost it to my abusive ex. I felt pressured to have s*x with him. He kept asking me and asking me so finally I gave in. I shouldn't have though. He called me fat during s*x, he told me I was doing it wrong. All kinds of things. It was all about him. He never cared about me. He never once did anything that would make me feel good. He left me with a hatred of s*x that I don't think will ever go away. He left me with a boatload of trauma that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to unload fully.

To anyone who may be in my position, don't do what I did. Don't lose it becasue you feel like you have to. Don't lose it to someone who calls you fat and tells you you're doing it wrong. Don't lose it to someone who lovebombs you so hard you can't see straight. Wait. Wait for the right person. Wait for someone whose going to think you're beautiful no matter what, Wait for someone whose going to take care of you in and out of bed. Wait for someone whose going to make you breakfast after, or a nice meal. Wait for someone who isn't going to leave you right after they get what they want. Wait for someone whose going to be patient with you and understand that you've been hurt in the past. Wait for someone whose going to take their time making YOU happy. Don't do it with someone who doesn't care about you. Don't do it with someone whose love and affection has an expiration date. Do it with someone who actually gives a s*it about you.

See I've been s*xually assaulted twice so I hate s*x to begin with. I always pretended to be doing something else. I share my story not to dwell, but to help others who've been where I have. I want people to know they are not alone. That other people understand where they've been and what struggles they might be facing. So the big takeaway from this post is I regret losing my V-card to who I lost it to. I should've waited to find someone who cared about me more. Who actaully wanted to take the time to make me happy. Who actually loved me. Who wasn't selfish in and out of bed. But I need to forgive myself for making that mistake and I need to move forward. I need to heal and find someone who will love me.