I Can't Handle Change

Nothing I do is ever good. I think about it all the time. What if I am not doing this right? Am I living up to the correct standards? How in the world would I know? I have had so many people tell me I am doing it all wrong, but they won't inform me how to do it right. Almost anything in this society is okay. But at the same time, you have to keep to yourself if you are a female in some circumstances. The same thing goes with races, ethnicities, and other genders.

I've grown up in a remarkably strict household. If I had fun on Tuesday, that means I can't have fun for the rest of the week. I thought these things were regular in every household until I started dating my first and current boyfriend. For privacy reasons, I will be calling him Sebastian. Sebastian is the best boyfriend I could have ever asked for, and he knows how to treat me right. It is the way that he treats his parents and sister that catches me off guard every time.

I had first started noticing this behavior when I first met his parents. They were the two nicest people I think I have ever met. So I thought that the whole family was kind to one another. Sadly, I was so wrong. My boyfriend thinks of his parents more as best friends than actual parental units. It's good in a way, but at the same time, it means that his disrespect and rudeness towards his parents are not corrected.

I have noticed that there is a big difference between the two of us. The difference is our mental health. Sebastian's mental health seems to be almost perfect. By perfect, I mean he hasn't been diagnosed by a doctor with any of today's common mental illnesses. The most common mental illnesses are depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and cyclothymic disorder. While me on the other hand, I have all of these illnesses and things that are wrong with me. I am not saying that we are different from the way we are raised.

I have learned my whole life that change is a bad thing, not only from my parents but from my old elementary school. At my elementary school, the teachers taught us to be independent. They taught us the idea of independence but never taught us exactly how to fulfill that idea. They taught us to live in our bubble. Of course, that bubble is metaphorical. But imagine living in a bubble your whole childhood and imagine trying to get out of that bubble as soon as you turn thirteen.

Imagine that for a minute. Your whole life, you're excited to come out of your bubble. But as soon as the time comes, you don't know what to do. You don't know how to talk to people outside of this bubble, you don't know how to be independent, and you are scared of asking for things. Well, that was pretty much how I lived for my whole life until I met Sebastian.

Sebastian is popular, he has no problem talking to anyone, and he has a lot of friends, but for some reason, he picked me. The quiet girl who can't speak to anyone without having someone else do it for her. He went to an elementary school where they focused on academics and the student's well-being, unlike my elementary school, where they taught us that Jesus would guide us. I went to a Catholic school, while my boyfriend went to a Jewish school. He learned Hebrew and much more. They were more focused on his education than praying on a day-to-day basis like my school was.

I was not the only one from my old school stuck in this bubble. My friends who went there and went to the same high school as I have the same issue. In an article titled, Why Child Independence Is Important by FirstDiscoveries in the United Kingdom, they discuss how essential it is for a kid to have independence. Children who are given freedom develop self-efficacy (I can do it on my own). Self-efficacy promotes self-esteem and self-confidence. In becoming independent, the child also gains a sense of importance and belonging.

Without having this sense of significance and belonging, I was unable to find myself. So, unintentionally I have created this other version of myself. The part of myself I show to everyone. Do I willingly expose this to everyone? No. I am, like most people, afraid of what the real world is going to think of me.

Now that I am out of this bubble and showing my true self to people, I realize that a lot more people like the real me. At the beginning of my Freshman year in high school, people like me were having trouble finding their true selves. So I helped them, to the best of my abilities, find their true authentic self.

I have had difficulty breaking out of my bubble for so long, and now I understand why. Humans are almost physically and mentally unable to change their ways. It is so hard to adjust our lives because, for the most part, we spend it living in fear, worry, pressure, and anxiety, dealing with negativity from others and ourselves. We can be our own worst enemies at times.

We need to understand our self-worth. Don't let it take over your whole life. There will be a moment, your moment for your authentic self to come through, and you have to let it shine through. It will not only boost your confidence but also boost the people around you.

Please don't let the idea of not doing anything right go into your head. Trust me. It is not your fault, so don't play it out. I couldn't do it all by myself, so my boyfriend, Sebastian, indirectly helped me through this identity crisis. Find the person who will help you if you can't do it on your own.