How I’m Trying To Explain Being Non-Binary

I can hear her in my head as I try to claim this. It’s all the poets you’re around. What is this? You wouldn’t have this new word, new label if you didn’t know them.

I think my family would accept it, just like coming out gay most of my life, and now bisexual is okay enough for my mom. But, don’t tell the boys in the family. We are a confessional of secrets. Tell it to me. It is sacred, don’t tell the others.

Secrets have always been a tomb for me. But I’ve loved that closeted space. It’s safe that I can’t see anyone sneaking up to attack me. All four walls are in sight. All things I know are right here.

I am she/they pronouns. As I explained, I like them, but she can be used. I have been studying non-binary, which sounds like a subject to get a good grade. But, honestly, it makes a lot of sense to me.

I never felt a part of the gender spectrum. Not she, or he, but more they than anything. Neither of these explains what I think well, and non-binary is more on point with my perception than ever.

But, I don’t want to fight for my pronouns like I’ve had to fight for my sexuality. Bisexuality erasure is a reality for me, for us, that we are neither spectrum. Not straight enough to be straight, not gay enough to be truly gay.

I fight hard enough daily to be an advocate for survivors. To tell my stories in poetry about what I’ve experienced with domestic violence and abuse. I don’t want to fight for one more thing in my life. I don’t want to keep correcting people who say they “get it,” but when I say I am non-binary, they still ask me if they can call me a title that is binary.

And, I’d rather be called my name or nothing at all. I don’t want to rule over anyone. It’s hard enough getting through daily bullshit of my mental health trying to kill me some days and depleting my energy reserves.

I am so many things that I’m fighting for that I feel like I don’t have the strength for one more. I guess this is why the pronouns she/they, I look feminine presenting, but most times I don’t dress like that, to be honest. I always felt better with having a look that defined neither of them. I’ve only recently got into dresses because I enjoy and love my form.

I live two lives no one knows about. I live the life of an author, a slam poet, an advocate for survivors in my one world. I live in a world of deflection and not letting anyone know what I do in the other world. I live these two worlds because I'm a private person despite writing articles, poetry, and further details of my life.

I've always been private. So much so that friends would say to me, do you think people care? But they seem to care enough to engage me in things that I turn down explaining. I don't talk about my work, but my work is writing, teaching, and performing poetry. It is freelance. It is a world unto itself. All these worlds join together when I'm in my element of poetry—but being out of that world? I protect what my name is outside of this author name I chose.

I am still discovering non-binary, so it feels too new to have already explained to others when they don't "get" what I am.

I’m just beginning to explain what it is, but already the pre-conception is hard for me. I sometimes have to hear people tell me to be a “warrior” because I am not victim of sexual assault, abuse, and violence. That all these celebrities survived it and never talked about it again. If my past makes you uncomfortable, don’t look at it. I’m not ashamed of what I’ve been through, and I never will.

I will never have shame live in the home of this body or perception again.