Holding On To Hope

I sit here tonight, in this very moment starting to write down all the things that need to be said or that I feel that I need to say. I'll start off with the most obvious, I have loved you since the very first day that I meet you in May of 2008. We have been through so much good and bad, and its taken us so long to get to where we are now. It's taken us 11 years to be able to speak to each other about things, and not yell. Do we still fight oh yes we do, but everyone argues or has a disagreement. We have an amazing son, who seems to be more and more like you with each passing day, and not just with his appearance.

We were young when we meet, and still young when we had our son. We both made mistakes, and we both had things we had to work through. On and off is what we seemed to be. Never giving an actual definition to us again until so many years later. And then betrayal and heart break happened. And we parted ways in a very bad and messy way. With plans to never see or speak to the other again.

Two years later, and we find ourselves trying to find a way to reach out to the other. Hoping for some type of contact and nothing messy like the past had been. Hoping that the universe will give us peace, and the things that we need from the other no matter what it will be. I was searching for closure for so long with us, and what you were searching for I'm still not quite sure 'til this day what it was. But hear we are now a year and 6 months into us talking again, and hanging out. Here we are a year into the what ever type of relationship this will be.

We now live closer to each other than we ever have before, we spend time together. You are getting to know my youngest children I have, whom both seem to adore and love you. Which I guess they just know that you are a good man. When you came back into my life, I was broken and hurt. I was lost and felt so alone with all the things that had happened and were happening. You helped saved me, when I didn't even know I needed saving. You were there when it all came down around me, and you've been there as I have been trying to build it all back up, and here for the things that I have built up. Good and bad you've been here lately.

Yes we argue and fight. Yes there are so many things that are said sometimes and taken the wrong way, but as adults we must speak to each other to reach a level of understanding and know that in the end the other is going to be there when things get hard or bad. You need to know I'm here, I'm not going any where.

We have plans to buy a home, take trips, do things with the children. Promises of things changing, can not just be empty promises. Actions have to be taken to show that they are not just empty words, no matter how small those actions are. When things from the outside spill into us, then that's where the problem comes from, that's when it will constantly be brought up and discussed about no matter what.

Home isn't a place, home is with the people you love. We can go out and buy the house with all the space in the world, the wonderful kitchen, the finished basement, the extra bedrooms, the garage you want, and all the land I want, and it still wouldn't be a home to me without the people that I love there. Home isn't a place, home is a feeling and its with the people you love.

Do I want all the things we have talked about, yes I do. Do I want the trips we are talking about, yes. Do I want all of these things with you, yes I do. But there is one thing you have to remember, and you have to keep in mind. We both are broken and damaged, and have our insecurities and things we have to work through. But please remember it is not just my life you are in, and its not just my life you would leave if you would chose to walk away.

We have come full circle again, in the universes plans for us. We always end up here in this spot we are in. Where we are doing the things we are doing, just now we are more mature, grown up adults.

This right here, us together is exactly where we are meant to be. You are meant for me, as much as I am meant for you. We were made for each other. And I hope that no matter where things take us this time, we both find the courage and the strength to not walk away.

I'm hoping, that this time the universe will keep pushing us closer. I hope we get to buy the home we talk about, and we get to see the kids playing outside with each other or their friends. I hope we get to take all the trips we talk about, and do the things we want to do. I hope we can raise the children together, as we have our son and my girls who adore and love you.

I hope you stumbled across this some how, and have found these words and it all just clicks into place. I will leave it with these final words.

I love you

xx