Confessions logo

Hey Mom

by Yaseen a day ago in Family

I have something to say to you

Hey Mom.

I never told you this before, but... man I don't even know how to start or where to begin. I wish I had all the strength to say this in a different way, except I can't and I don't have the strength. I can't sit and face you, I don't know if I ever will be able to after this. It started off like any other day. For some people, they can remember the exact day and time. They can tell you that it was a Tuesday at 6:05 am when it happened to them. For me? I couldn't tell you anything about what day it was. The day I came to realization and finally acceptance about what had gone on between us.

All I do remember was that I had reached a limit. What that limit was specifically, I could say was the abuse, except it didn't feel that way. It never felt like it was only the abuse reaching an all-time high, that made me look. It always felt like it was more than that; like there was more going on, that I couldn't even begin to describe to you. You remember right? You've told me as much, then again you have always been so good at minimizing everything. That day, it felt like I wanted to explode, and yet it felt like I was slowing melting. As if my entire being was falling into an unknown space and falling at the slowest pace imaginable. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, except slower... if that was possible.

It felt so out of body for me. I remember crying, and I remember feeling empty and dark. You couldn't, wouldn't see it. I tried so hard to hide it all from you because I knew what you would do or say. "Stop crying! Swallow your tears! I do not want to see those fake tears!" I have more memories of the things you would say to me when I was stuck and down and crying. When we would fight, I would be so mad at you, so stuck so sad and you would tell me to stop crying like I wasn't allowed to cry. So I sought help and it was during this time that I learned and discovered the feeling I am struggling to explain to you.

I had been told one day, that I couldn't continue the things that I allowed to enter into my life and did nothing to stop. Many things occurred in my life that I had no control over, however, I did have control over the duration in which these things stayed. It didn't make sense to me until later and now I think I get it. I think I can't keep you and her. I was and still am in some way wanting you in my life, despite everything. I still want my mom.

Except I can't have you, because if I do I keep allowing pain, trauma, and hurt into my life because of you. You have hurt me, have taken advantage of how much I wanted you to just accept me. I had and have done everything for you and what did you do? In layman's terms, you told me I meant nothing to you, that I was nothing but your puppet and toy. Is that what I am? A toy? A mound of clay needing shaping? Well, you didn't shape me, you broke me.

I miss you every single day. I got married, I wanted you there, except I knew you wouldn't come. In fact, you would have disowned me, because I married her.

I got married mom, that is what I've been begging to tell you. I'm married and happy and I want you to know that I am good and healthy.

Except you won't read this, you won't see this.

I miss you mom, truly.

Family

About the author

Yaseen

Find us on social media

Miscellaneous links

  • Explore
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Use
  • Support

© 2022 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.