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Help is Available

An observation of suicidal tendencies. As well as a poem for good measure.

By Dannielle NelsonPublished 2 years ago 9 min read
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Pinterest.ie Red Flags. canvas by Jonathan Long

***Trigger warning: This article talks about suicide, the feelings that lead up to it, the darkness that engulfs people and how to overcome it. If you are sensitive to this subject, you may want to skip this one. It holds no punches.***

I stand before you, showing up every single day of my life.

It’s been a year and four months since I decided the world would be better off without me in it.

The vacuous space of suicidal thoughts has a sucking tug on every ounce of light in this world.

It is consuming in a way that differs from depression. Depression removes the color of beautiful experiences, dulls sound, and numbs emotional stimulation. It robs us of the chance to enjoy the simple and ordinary moments. It steals our joy and replaces it with the constant nagging voice of doubt that becomes so loud between our own ears, we cannot hear, see or feel much else.

Suicidal thoughts have a way of making sure you feel that there is no escape from an inevitable outcome.

That is the black hole of danger that is difficult to escape.

But escape we must! At all costs, we must. There is nothing in the black hole, that keeps sucking the life out of us slowly, day after day, insisting on itself as the only way out. That void drawing closer around its edges, is where light cannot penetrate. It is devious enough to make one believe that there is absolutely no light left at all, when in fact the light is just in the opposite direction, and far, far away from the vacuous demise whispering, teasing, alluring lullabies in our ears that are nothing but insidious lies.

Life is a thread. Threads are made up of woven fibers. Each life is an individual thread. (lets just work with that as a metaphor here) With as many people on the planet as we have today, the tapestry of life would be such a glorious sight to behold if one could glimpse it, even for a second, they would be great awe and reverence.

The thread of life has many enemies, each of which cut through our fibers like a knife, slicing away at our resolve. Suicidal thoughts come beyond the threshold of depression or anxiety. It is the last step forward towards that darkness that has frayed our thread so completely, that the final cut is only a thought or action away from tearing us right out of the tapestry forever.

There are suicide prevention lines. “Help is Available” is the tagline. Sounds pleasant right? Sounds reasonable right? What if pleasant and reasonable no longer exist? When you've reached a point where you no longer trust anyone or anything with problems that you have been battling silently for so long, you no longer see that “help is available” in any form. Because you of course are the problem. After all, the world would be better off without you. You know why. You’ve been told repeatedly day after day, and no amount of counter-dialog with anyone can make you believe otherwise.

Have you ever been there?

The friends who see you smiling and carrying on with daily life as if nothing is wrong may very well be someone struggling with suicidal thoughts. Maybe they are the “joker” of the friend group. What a perfect cover for that vast black hole that no one can see. Maybe they are the “nice” friend. The one who is always doing things for others, so altruistic and kind that others cannot touch their suffering, or even notice that it exists. And maybe they, like you, are just sad sometimes. Which is normal right? Everyone gets sad, so why would that create a red flag for you and your friends to do a serious intervention? It doesn’t.

Everyone gets caught up in their own lives. Everyone has their struggles. Why would anyone commit suicide? It's not rational at all!

But we do (people do), all the time in fact.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports, in 2019:

The full article is here at their website. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide

Suicide was the tenth leading cause of death overall in the United States, claiming the lives of over 47,500 people.

Suicide was the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 34, and the fourth leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 35 and 44.

There were nearly two and a half times as many suicides (47,511) in the United States as there were homicides.

So with statistics like these, it’s nearly impossible to deny the reality that suicide is a big problem. A really big one. That’s a lot of people who choose not to be here anymore and do something about it, and a staggering number of those people are children.

Below is an excerpt from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6978712/

And highlights the effectiveness of crisis line services.

Crisis lines are a standard component of a public health approach to suicide prevention. Clinical aims include reducing individuals' crisis states, psychological distress, and risk of suicide. Efforts may also include enhancing access and facilitating connections to behavioral health care. This review examines models of crisis line services for demonstrated effectiveness.

Thirty-three studies yielded effectiveness outcomes. In most cases findings regarding crisis calls vs. other modalities were presented. Evaluation approaches included user- and helper-reported data, silent monitoring, and analyses of administrative records. About half of studies reported immediate proximal outcomes (during the crisis service), and the remaining reported distal outcomes (up to four years post-contact). Most studies were rated at Oxford level four evidence and 80% were assessed at high risk of bias.

High quality evidence demonstrating crisis line effectiveness is lacking. Moreover, most approaches to demonstrating impact only measured proximal outcomes. Research should focus on innovative strategies to assess proximal and distal outcomes, with a specific focus on behavioral health treatment engagement and future self-directed violence.

As we can see from the above examples, there is no way to prove the effectiveness of these services. I am sure they have helped some, but as a broad sweep, shotgun approach, it is failing miserably. Wouldn't you agree?

What do we need to fix within our society as a whole in order to see changes that matter and will make any kind of real dent in the numbers above? That's a great think tank topic if you ask me.

This article blurb focuses on John Draper, director of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) https://www.vice.com/en/article/9k884v/do-suicide-hotlines-work

And I like where the author went with it. It is still sad to think that suicide rates are incredibly high, but she points out here that “after a high profile suicide is shown on television and they flash the number at the end of the report, calls always go up.”

While that’s a good thing, she goes on to say that there’s no real indication that the person will be fine once the operator hangs up. They can reduce the anxiety, or the risk of harm to oneself in the moment, but ultimately the caller is still on their own at the end of the call.

I have this phone number saved in my contacts as “Help is Available” just for the sheer hilarity of it alone, it brightens my mood. I just did this yesterday actually. Although it has been a year and four months since my brush with death and the bony fingers of non-existence, I still struggle with these kinds of thoughts. I still have to talk myself down from the cliff edge. I have to laugh unashamedly at myself while I write something absolutely pathetic and self deprecating. It will never be read by another person, but somehow writing it out, whatever the subject matter -because it varies greatly from piece to piece- I end up feeling better and coming out of that intoxicating spell of deceit, doing okie-dokie. I’ve written goodbye notes to my family, long, drawn out dissertations on my suffering in great detail, and once I even wrote my own eulogy. Wow… right… she’s off her rocker you think to yourself… or am I?

The fact of the matter is…

I’M. STILL. HERE.

It’s as simple as those three words.

I am not on medication.

I am not in counseling.

I am not nor have I ever been in jail.

I am still a colorful strand of thread in the tapestry of life.

I am also not afraid of dying.

What I am, is so much more than the fleeting brush with death in moments of weakness. I am brave, strong and compassionate. I understand the deeper and oftentimes much darker aspects of reality that many people fear discussing openly and in polite, or public spaces. I am infinite, but I am also still human, and still fragile, and still succumb to such feelings that grab one by the hand and guide down the path towards suicidal thinking. And that’s okay. The practices I use to keep me here add meaning to my life. They are the reminders I need to drag me by the bootstraps back onto the pier so I am not drowning in knee deep water. I use writing as an outlet, a therapy and a place of connection. I can connect with you, the reader, or the highest Source of ALL life, or just myself. But connection and suicide are entangled together, married to one another because connection is the death of suicidal thoughts.

I make fun of the macabre, and dance with the devil.

I laugh at futility and revere wonder.

I exist, and that is a gift in which I practice gratitude for openly and daily.

There will always be more to say, and I will remain here, with all of you and tell it, in as many ways I possibly can.

Suicide: A Poem

The last marble removed from the jar.

The last choice that kept you here.

Regardless of all that you left behind,

You remain now and forever quite near.

To our hearts

In our memories

Through pictures

You live.

Now bathed in the light

Pictures of still life experiences

Before you acquiesced the fight

Against specter-reaper appearances

Scattered fragments of your expansive world

the choice suddenly becomes too easy

Internal peril, soul twisted and gnarled

Filtered back into the ALL, un-weaved from the tapestry.

Chinese Qing Dynasty Silk Embroidered Tapestry

I write about everything, and I do hope you enjoyed this multifaced piece of writing. Gremlins follows this same train track/wreck as I wrote it during a bout of severe depression. Life Dance covers the tough topic of grief in a motivational and inspiring way.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.

800-273-8255

Blessings friends!

Humanity
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About the Creator

Dannielle Nelson

I have no taboo subjects. Buckle up & prepare for the journey! From Steampunk, reality, mental health, poetry, & eclectic philosophy. Enjoy.

I have 2 Websites where other works can be read.

Plant People Heal

Read More Live Better

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