HEAUXLISTIC THERAPY

Entry 2

I can remember the day that I found out that I was adopted. I had to be maybe four or five years old. My mother was in the living room watching something on TV. Maybe Phil Donahue or something like that. I was outside and a neighbor named Kenny was in his backyard lifting weights. I remember going over to his yard and asking him what he was doing and I remember him saying something like, "WTF YOU THINK I'M DOING". I remember telling him that he was mean and whatever else I said to him really set him off because he said to me, "That's why yo ass was adopted"...

I really did not understand what that meant. So I asked him and he told me to go ask my mama. He was a bold lil black ass nappy headed motherfucka. Well anyway I did run in and ask my mom and I remember that she looked so angry. I remember she blurted out "Now why did he say that"? She went next door to cuss his mammy the fuck out. Then she explained it to me. She really had no choice. I don't remember all of the words that she used but I remember her explaining over and over that I was chosen and how that made me special. I don't remember feeling sad about it. I remember just feeling different from that day on. I remember studying my parents features and looking for myself. I looked for myself in my sisters and brother too. I did feel loved, but I never found myself in any of their faces. My childhood was pretty normal. We did not always have everything that we wanted, but we always had everything that we needed. We did not go hungry or cold or unclothed or unloved. The years before 12 were really simple. It was somewhere around 12 years old that things shifted for me.

I was a 12 year old skinny girl with some toxic ass neglected friends. I would often sneak out to hang with my friend Moe. She was my age but basically an adult with no real guardian. Her mom was murdered right in front of her when she was 7. She had like 99 siblings & the underage kids were all sent to live with her obese aunt. This woman would eat all day and rarely left her bed. So these kids ran around the neighborhood like clowns and nobody checked them. Moe was one of my favorite friends though. She was so independent and at the time she seemed so mature and responsible. We had a group of girls that we would chill with and Moe was always the leader. She introduced us to this child molester from her neighborhood. I don't know his real name but we called him Chester the Molester. Soon after meeting him Moe told us that we were going to rob him. THAT SHIT WAS HELLA EXCITING! I thought that we would need a weapon or something but she had other plans. "Bitch all we gotta do is squeeze some Visine in his drank. He'll pass out, then we just take the money & leave his ass in his own piss!" So we actually went to chill with this man & she asked for a sip of his drink. She took a sip then passed it to me, then started talking to distract him. I took the Visine out of my bag & squeezed the whole damn bottle in. I passed it back to Moe & she pretended to sip. Chester was not paying attention when she dropped a pill in his bottle then handed it back to him. The first time we did this we got a few hundred dollars. I really couldn't believe it. I remember knowing that Chester would rape me if he ever got the chance. So if he ever pulled up on me while walking to see Moe, I would always refuse to take a ride from him. We all knew to stay away from him if we're not all together. He was a tall muscular man & we could all probably beat his ass together, but not one on one. We robbed this man almost every pay day. He would drive around the neighborhood looking for us and see us walking from the store or wherever, he would pull up blowing the horn and sometimes waving money. We would pile in his car and direct him to a fast food restaurant & then St. Vincent Mall. He would let us spend some money but not too much, but we didn't complain because we knew that we would get it all anyway. I was always so confused about why he never asked what happened to his cash. One time we left his drunk ass PASSED OUT in Bel-Air projects by the dumpster. We took his car and drove around all night. We went back to get him but he was pissy and dirty so we just parked the car by him and left. We didn't see him for a while and we all got so scared because we thought that we might have killed him! Was it too much Visine? What else did Moe put in his drink? She never told us what that pill was. But eventually he came around again. Never mentioned anything about waking up in those dangerous ass projects. This went on for a while, but eventually Chester was murdered by a boy from Moe's neighborhood. Chester raped his 10 year old sister and that was the end of his ass.

I have a lot of memories of crazy things that I did during my teens & pre-teens. I had a lot of friends who were on their own and I wanted to be around them and be like them. My mom was just always there! She didn't work and didn't run the streets so she always had time to be present and in our business. I did not understand why my friends always liked to hangout at my house. Most of them had freedom because their mom was always at work or in the streets, dad always at work or asleep or not around at all. I wanted that kind of freedom but THEY wanted parenting and guidance and safety. They loved that I had my own room, and that my mom actually cooked. I get it now but back then I was so annoyed that they preferred to be in my room listening to music. I wanted to run the streets and scrape together enough food to get through the day and find a nigga to rob. Looking back on it, maybe this is why I was so determined to move to NYC even though I had no real money and no real plan. EVERYBODY told me that I would end up on the streets or dead but I was so excited about making it on my own. Struggling to figure it out and failing and learning and picking myself up. For about 2 years I suffered through homelessness and damn near glamorized it. I hated being hungry and tired but I LOVED the freedom of it. The people in NY did not know me. They saw me as a blank canvas. They did not respect me or protect me because I was Mrs. Green's child. They didn't give a fuck about my family or upbringing, or my church or school or house. If I wanted any respect I had to fucking earn that shit from scratch. Not inherit it. It was the most exciting freeing shit ever.

But back to my teens. We will get to NY later.

My name was Sarah Renee. This was the name that I was given by social workers before I left the hospital. My birth mother did not name me. My name was later changed to Kenyatta Aiyanna Green. My nickname is Sunshine. You can call me that.

During my teen years I formed this odd friend/enemy type bond with a girl named Monisha. We were both 14 when we met. She had 3 sisters and a nasty dirty childish annoying ass brother. His nickname was Pooh. Her dad was in jail when we met. Her mom was a nurse and also had a boyfriend who kept her busy while her husband was in jail. So her mom was literally NEVER AROUND. I spent a lot of time with Monisha & through her I met my first real boyfriend. His name was Chauncey. He was her sister's boyfriend first but that was before I met them. Chauncey was absolute TRASH! This nigga would break in people's homes & bring me stolen gifts! He was a complete mess and always in trouble. One day a bunch of guys beat his ass in my yard. I regret not being there to see it. Shortly after that he was arrested. While he was in jail word got around the street that he stole this big ass stereo system from this huge guy named Joe. Now, I did get the stereo from Chauncey but I had no idea where it came from. Joe was friends with Monisha's brother Pooh. I found out later that Monisha saw the stereo in my room & told Pooh, & Pooh told Joe. Joe was HUGE and his brother Sid was short and fat, and these 2 big males were so so angry about this stereo. So guess what happened? I went to see Monisha & she was acting weird, as if she did not want to be too friendly with me. Joe Sid & Pooh were sitting outside. Pooh would randomly come inside & smirk at me. It made me super uncomfortable & the energy was just way off, so I told her that I was going home. When I said that I was leaving I noticed that Pooh got excited and ran outside. At that time I knew what was up. I went outside and these 3 males, all 3 of them, they all jumped me. I was 14 years old. Under 100 pounds for sure. Pooh was maybe 12 but bigger than me. Joe & Sid were around 17 18, maybe 19. Way too old for that shit. My so called friend saw the stolen stereo and said NOTHING! She pumped me up and talked about how my nigga must really love me because he was always bringing me shit. Smiling in my face while planning to stab me in my fucking back. She did not care that I was a small girl, just like her. She fed me to the wolves! They seriously could have killed me. And my "friend" didn't give a fuck. She didn't give me any warnings. She encouraged me to be with Chauncey then turned on me when he did exactly wtf she knew that he would do. I learned a lot from Monisha. The main lesson? Bitches will side with dick every single time. Chauncey later got out of jail and when he found out that they jumped me, he actually burned down Joe's house. That nigga was a trash ass thief but he was loyal. I eventually moved on to a more dangerous more trash ass nigga & Chauncey went back to jail & I guess he moved on too. I saw him years later and he was fat and his front tooth was missing. Who knows what the fuck happened to that tooth. The next nigga was crazy and actually shot a cop. He's still in prison as far as I know. But I'll talk about him in the next entry. I learned from his ass too & those lessons haunted me later in my life, and maybe still to this day. If you have questions just leave a comment & I'll pickup where I left off in a few days.